The difference between psychiatrist, psychologist, psychotherapist/counsellor and coach
The answer to this question differ, depending on where in the world you live. Even across Europe there isn't a consensual agreement, except when it comes to a psychiatrist and life coach.
In Denmark and the UK, counsellor or psychotherapist are not protected titles, so anyone can call themselves that and have no, little or extensive training. Always have a nosy around a practitioners training and experience before committing to working with them. I have a 4 year university degree in counselling/psychotherapy from Scotland and have worked 1-2-1 with clients since 2015.
In other places, like the United States, you have to have extensive training to call yourself a psychotherapist and these requirements change from state to state.
In Denmark, psychologist is a protected title. Once you hold a bachelors and masters (kandidat) in psychology, you can call yourself a psychologist and set up a private practice, offering talk-therapy, without necessarily having had much training in the art of 1 to 1 therapy. In the UK the title psychologist is not protected, only specific branches like clinical or educational psychologist are protected titles.
I'm not sure what the rules are for USA or other places.
I hold a bachelors (BSc) and masters (MSc) in psychology but because it was done in Scotland, Denmark has not approved of my degrees (despite being approved of by the Danish state's educational ministry) so I can't call myself a psychologist in Denmark (but was allowed to when I lived and worked in the UK).
A psychiatrist is a medically trained doctor who went on to specialise in mental illness. This is also a protected title and I believe that to be true across the world.
A life coach is not a protected title anywhere in the world. Anyone can call themselves this and have no, little or lots of training and experience. I hold a diploma in transformational life coaching by the biggest coaching school in the UK - Animas Centre for Coaching.
A counsellor and psychotherapist offer talk-therapy (I've written an article about what this means under Articles) and are often focused on the past and what's wrong in your life. It's a lot of talking (by you), listening (by the therapist) and answering reflective questions. You may also be asked to do worksheets if you see a CBT therapist, for example.
A life coach is more focussed on the here-and-now and future goals. What do you want to achieve? Who do you want to become? What limiting beliefs do you hold? Some life coaches offer strategies and tasks to complete between sessions, while others don't.
A psychologist, who offers talk therapy, will work much like a psychotherapist but might also offer to give you a diagnosis, like BPD or ADHD. In Denmark the norm is to talk to a psychologist when life's proving hard and difficult, where in the UK, it's more the norm to talk to a psychotherapist or counsellor.
A psychiatrist can also offer diagnoses and also medication. Usually, a psychiatrist will work directly with the health system in the UK and in DK.
In Denmark and the UK, counsellor or psychotherapist are not protected titles, so anyone can call themselves that and have no, little or extensive training. Always have a nosy around a practitioners training and experience before committing to working with them. I have a 4 year university degree in counselling/psychotherapy from Scotland and have worked 1-2-1 with clients since 2015.
In other places, like the United States, you have to have extensive training to call yourself a psychotherapist and these requirements change from state to state.
In Denmark, psychologist is a protected title. Once you hold a bachelors and masters (kandidat) in psychology, you can call yourself a psychologist and set up a private practice, offering talk-therapy, without necessarily having had much training in the art of 1 to 1 therapy. In the UK the title psychologist is not protected, only specific branches like clinical or educational psychologist are protected titles.
I'm not sure what the rules are for USA or other places.
I hold a bachelors (BSc) and masters (MSc) in psychology but because it was done in Scotland, Denmark has not approved of my degrees (despite being approved of by the Danish state's educational ministry) so I can't call myself a psychologist in Denmark (but was allowed to when I lived and worked in the UK).
A psychiatrist is a medically trained doctor who went on to specialise in mental illness. This is also a protected title and I believe that to be true across the world.
A life coach is not a protected title anywhere in the world. Anyone can call themselves this and have no, little or lots of training and experience. I hold a diploma in transformational life coaching by the biggest coaching school in the UK - Animas Centre for Coaching.
A counsellor and psychotherapist offer talk-therapy (I've written an article about what this means under Articles) and are often focused on the past and what's wrong in your life. It's a lot of talking (by you), listening (by the therapist) and answering reflective questions. You may also be asked to do worksheets if you see a CBT therapist, for example.
A life coach is more focussed on the here-and-now and future goals. What do you want to achieve? Who do you want to become? What limiting beliefs do you hold? Some life coaches offer strategies and tasks to complete between sessions, while others don't.
A psychologist, who offers talk therapy, will work much like a psychotherapist but might also offer to give you a diagnosis, like BPD or ADHD. In Denmark the norm is to talk to a psychologist when life's proving hard and difficult, where in the UK, it's more the norm to talk to a psychotherapist or counsellor.
A psychiatrist can also offer diagnoses and also medication. Usually, a psychiatrist will work directly with the health system in the UK and in DK.
Why is mental health support so expensive?
How I wish all mental health support was covered the same way our physical health is, especially in Denmark and the UK where medical help is free. However, we haven't reached this enlightened space yet that mental and physical health is one and the same and deserve equal attention. In Denmark you may get discounted support via insurance companies or doctor referrals and the same in the UK. In America, your private health insurance may cover the costs but in all cases, you can't usually pick who you want to work with but only who has signed up to work with or for the national health service or insurance companies (which is a lot of hassle usually so not many sign up for these types of options).
In the UK, you'd usually see a counsellor or psychotherapist for your mental health problems and, privately, they'll usually charge between £40-60 per 50-minute session.
In Denmark, it's the norm to talk to a psychologist who usually charges £120-140 per 50-minute session.
This is a lot of money!
A psychologist in Denmark will have 5+ years university education, plus various extra training, in a specialist field.
Usually, other professionals with this much training are also paid very well.
But more than that, it's encouraged to not see more than 20 clients a week due to the heavy nature of talk therapy.
We're expected to remember each client's story and hold their information in our memories for weeks, months or even years.
The rest of our many working hours (admin, marketing, training, etc) is unpaid.
We have to pay for our own continued professional development (and don't have a nifty HR department that sorts that type of thing for us on the company's bill) and we don't get paid when we're sick or take time off work. But we still pay the same in rent and bills as everyone else who're paid for a 37 working week. So our fees have to accommodate this.
We also have to pay for our own office space, software licences (like Zoom, accountancy programmes, diary software, etc), as well as insurance, pension, office equipment, transport, an accountant and so on. Again, this isn't taken care of by HR for us who are self-employed.
Doing the maths, we tend to earn an average wage with higher costs attached to our jobs.
I wish that all mental health services were paid for by tax and inclusive for all. Or, that schemes were offered for reduced rent to those of us working within this field to make therapy affordable and accessible for all.
In the UK, you'd usually see a counsellor or psychotherapist for your mental health problems and, privately, they'll usually charge between £40-60 per 50-minute session.
In Denmark, it's the norm to talk to a psychologist who usually charges £120-140 per 50-minute session.
This is a lot of money!
A psychologist in Denmark will have 5+ years university education, plus various extra training, in a specialist field.
Usually, other professionals with this much training are also paid very well.
But more than that, it's encouraged to not see more than 20 clients a week due to the heavy nature of talk therapy.
We're expected to remember each client's story and hold their information in our memories for weeks, months or even years.
The rest of our many working hours (admin, marketing, training, etc) is unpaid.
We have to pay for our own continued professional development (and don't have a nifty HR department that sorts that type of thing for us on the company's bill) and we don't get paid when we're sick or take time off work. But we still pay the same in rent and bills as everyone else who're paid for a 37 working week. So our fees have to accommodate this.
We also have to pay for our own office space, software licences (like Zoom, accountancy programmes, diary software, etc), as well as insurance, pension, office equipment, transport, an accountant and so on. Again, this isn't taken care of by HR for us who are self-employed.
Doing the maths, we tend to earn an average wage with higher costs attached to our jobs.
I wish that all mental health services were paid for by tax and inclusive for all. Or, that schemes were offered for reduced rent to those of us working within this field to make therapy affordable and accessible for all.
Isn't it only 'crazy' people who need to talk to a mental health professional?
Not at all. This is a common misconception that you should be 'crazy' or 'mentally ill' or have a 'serious problem' to talk to a therapist. In my opinion, but I'm bias, everyone should see a mental health professional at some point in their lives and feel the joy of being able to talk openly and freely about their inner worlds without judgement or criticism.
Not only would it help those who find life hard or confusing to navigate but it'd also help all those who make life hard to navigate for others; those who might be low in empathy or consideration of others based on their lack of knowledge.
We're taught literacy skills (reading and writing) and maths and science at school to enhance our knowledge but why aren't we taught emotional literacy skills? How to think about our thoughts and feelings in a helpful way? How to be kinder towards one another and to ourselves? How to communicate in a healthy and helpful manner? How to form and keep good relationships with others? How to navigate uncertainty, perfectionism and conflicts? How to build confidence and self-esteem and happier lives?
If you think you could improve in some way in your life, personally or professionally, a talk therapist/life coach might be a great way to do that, much like you'd hire a personal trainer to help you get in shape, guided by professional help, or book a physiotherapist to help you get rid of aches and pains. Of course, you can do these things on your own, but it's quite nice to have a professional help guide you sometimes.
But, likewise, if you do feel like you're going crazy, or that you're broken, or that you can't cope with life, please do yourself a favour and stop suffering alone and seek help and support. It's a really wonderful experience if you take the time to find the right fit for you and your needs. And best of all, you'll likely discover that you're not as crazy or broken as you think. You're just needing the skills to think differently about your problems.
Not only would it help those who find life hard or confusing to navigate but it'd also help all those who make life hard to navigate for others; those who might be low in empathy or consideration of others based on their lack of knowledge.
We're taught literacy skills (reading and writing) and maths and science at school to enhance our knowledge but why aren't we taught emotional literacy skills? How to think about our thoughts and feelings in a helpful way? How to be kinder towards one another and to ourselves? How to communicate in a healthy and helpful manner? How to form and keep good relationships with others? How to navigate uncertainty, perfectionism and conflicts? How to build confidence and self-esteem and happier lives?
If you think you could improve in some way in your life, personally or professionally, a talk therapist/life coach might be a great way to do that, much like you'd hire a personal trainer to help you get in shape, guided by professional help, or book a physiotherapist to help you get rid of aches and pains. Of course, you can do these things on your own, but it's quite nice to have a professional help guide you sometimes.
But, likewise, if you do feel like you're going crazy, or that you're broken, or that you can't cope with life, please do yourself a favour and stop suffering alone and seek help and support. It's a really wonderful experience if you take the time to find the right fit for you and your needs. And best of all, you'll likely discover that you're not as crazy or broken as you think. You're just needing the skills to think differently about your problems.
How long will I need therapy for before I'm better?
Unfortunately, there isn't a neat answer for this often asked question.
It really depends...
Depends on what issues you're bringing to therapy, where you're at on your own journey, how much support you have or don't have outside of the therapy room, how healthy (or unhealthy) your surrounding environment is, how much work you put into your wellbeing outside of sessions and random life events.
You might have worked through a childhood issue and being doing better and then your partner leaves you and rips open new, unexpected wound, adding to your journey. Or you might be working through trauma and win the lottery and somehow this opens up unexpected healing for you as you can now leave a job that you hated or buy a home that's safe and warm and shortens your expected therapy time.
But, the longer you've been struggling before seeking help, the longer it'll take to bounce back.
If you've had an unhappy childhood, struggled through your teen years and been unhappy in your 20s, don't expect that 3 decades of problems will go away after a handful of therapy sessions. It's not very realistic.
Your mental health is no different than your physical health in that if you stop taking care of it, it will decline.
If you train for and run a marathon, you won't stay fit for life. You'll have to carry on training to maintain that level of fitness. And even if you lost 10 pounds once, it won't stay off if you go back to eating lots of junk food. The same goes for your mental health. If you work through an issue that doesn't mean you'll be immune from other issues for the rest of your life. You'll have to practice mental fitness for life if you want to have peak health. And sometimes that includes seeing a therapist for a long time or one and off for the rest of your life. That's not embarrassing or problematic. Our attitude to mental health is what's problematic. You'd never mock someone who has a gym membership that they use frequently - in fact, you'd probably think they're inspiring. The same ought to be the case for training your mind frequently and sometimes that includes in the company of a professional.
It really depends...
Depends on what issues you're bringing to therapy, where you're at on your own journey, how much support you have or don't have outside of the therapy room, how healthy (or unhealthy) your surrounding environment is, how much work you put into your wellbeing outside of sessions and random life events.
You might have worked through a childhood issue and being doing better and then your partner leaves you and rips open new, unexpected wound, adding to your journey. Or you might be working through trauma and win the lottery and somehow this opens up unexpected healing for you as you can now leave a job that you hated or buy a home that's safe and warm and shortens your expected therapy time.
But, the longer you've been struggling before seeking help, the longer it'll take to bounce back.
If you've had an unhappy childhood, struggled through your teen years and been unhappy in your 20s, don't expect that 3 decades of problems will go away after a handful of therapy sessions. It's not very realistic.
Your mental health is no different than your physical health in that if you stop taking care of it, it will decline.
If you train for and run a marathon, you won't stay fit for life. You'll have to carry on training to maintain that level of fitness. And even if you lost 10 pounds once, it won't stay off if you go back to eating lots of junk food. The same goes for your mental health. If you work through an issue that doesn't mean you'll be immune from other issues for the rest of your life. You'll have to practice mental fitness for life if you want to have peak health. And sometimes that includes seeing a therapist for a long time or one and off for the rest of your life. That's not embarrassing or problematic. Our attitude to mental health is what's problematic. You'd never mock someone who has a gym membership that they use frequently - in fact, you'd probably think they're inspiring. The same ought to be the case for training your mind frequently and sometimes that includes in the company of a professional.
What's the difference between talking to a mental health professional and a friend? And can I become friends with my therapist?
Friends are great! If you feel you have a friend (or multiple) that you can talk to and feel better afterwards, please do so!
However, friends tend to want to give advice, or say things we can find hurtful or confusing. Friends, sometimes, don't even have our best interest at heart. Friends might lack the self-awareness to understand that they're projecting their own issues onto you. Friends might not be able to listen in a way that makes you feel truly heard and understood. And friends tend to show up in your life over and over and get to know other people in your life, like your partner, or children, or other friends or family members. This can feel a bit awkward if you've complained a lot about your partner and then your friend comes over for dinner and know stuff you might regret them knowing.
A therapist is a trained listener. They listen to understand you, not to give advice (as much as you might think that is what you want). A therapist will teach you how to listen to yourself to find your own answers to reduce the confusion of all the shouty voices in the world, telling you how to live, based on their own agendas and wants from you. A therapist will teach you to listen to your own needs. And a therapist will not show up at dinner with your friends and family and make it all a bit awkward.
You can come and tell a therapist anything you want, even if you find it embarrassing. Things you might hide from those closest to you.
And best of all - therapy will be all about you! You don't need to listen back to your therapist's problems and try to support them, the way you will a friend.
But no, you can't be friends with your therapist during or after therapy. It's not healthy for either parties. I've written an article about that under the section Articles. It might seem like the ideal friend, or even romantic partner, because they've made you feel so heard and understood, but we are doing a job. That doesn't mean we don't truly care but it means that when we're not in session, we're just normal people too and we yell unjustifiably at our partners and children, we give bad advice to friends and we get grumpy and emotional too, as well as wanting to moan about our lives to our friends. So, if you think highly of your therapist and wish they'd be your friend, know that we're just ordinary people outside of sessions and no better or worse than your existing friends.
However, friends tend to want to give advice, or say things we can find hurtful or confusing. Friends, sometimes, don't even have our best interest at heart. Friends might lack the self-awareness to understand that they're projecting their own issues onto you. Friends might not be able to listen in a way that makes you feel truly heard and understood. And friends tend to show up in your life over and over and get to know other people in your life, like your partner, or children, or other friends or family members. This can feel a bit awkward if you've complained a lot about your partner and then your friend comes over for dinner and know stuff you might regret them knowing.
A therapist is a trained listener. They listen to understand you, not to give advice (as much as you might think that is what you want). A therapist will teach you how to listen to yourself to find your own answers to reduce the confusion of all the shouty voices in the world, telling you how to live, based on their own agendas and wants from you. A therapist will teach you to listen to your own needs. And a therapist will not show up at dinner with your friends and family and make it all a bit awkward.
You can come and tell a therapist anything you want, even if you find it embarrassing. Things you might hide from those closest to you.
And best of all - therapy will be all about you! You don't need to listen back to your therapist's problems and try to support them, the way you will a friend.
But no, you can't be friends with your therapist during or after therapy. It's not healthy for either parties. I've written an article about that under the section Articles. It might seem like the ideal friend, or even romantic partner, because they've made you feel so heard and understood, but we are doing a job. That doesn't mean we don't truly care but it means that when we're not in session, we're just normal people too and we yell unjustifiably at our partners and children, we give bad advice to friends and we get grumpy and emotional too, as well as wanting to moan about our lives to our friends. So, if you think highly of your therapist and wish they'd be your friend, know that we're just ordinary people outside of sessions and no better or worse than your existing friends.
Why doesn't my Therapist say/speak more? Or offer any direct advice? What am I paying for exactly?
This is a common question. After all, in what other industry do you pay for something and don't get what you want? You wouldn't pay a divorce lawyer to ask you how a divorce makes you feel. You expected them to sort out the paperwork and guide you through the process. You don't pay a restaurant to give you an empty plate and ask you to imagine the meal you want to explore what feelings come up for you doing that.
If the therapist speaks for than you, they're not good at their jobs.
We're there to listen. Being listened to is such a wonderful experience that most of us haven't truly experienced. Most of the people in our lives listen to reply. A therapist listens to understand. There's a huge difference. Indeed, in an argument, we often listen so we can gather ammunition to shoot back. It's not very helpful to get to the core of a problem and to resolve it in a helpful manner.
You have to do most of the talking because us therapists are trying to gather information to understand your world and perspective. We're gathering clues and puzzle pieces, like a detective, to uncover the mystery that's your psyche. But not to solve it for you but to offer you insights to solve it for yourself.
How often have you been given advice about how to live your life and it didn't fit with your way of seeing the world and it made you feel worse, or confused? Or how often have you received advice and it felt great but shortly after you were back to the same problem because the advice didn't work for you?
That's because the advice wasn't based on who you are, what you want, your unique experiences and needs.
That's what a therapist is trained in doing - getting to know you on a deeply personal level, so you can get to know yourself on a deeply personal level and, ideally, be able to solve your own issues with more ease and less pain.
If the therapist speaks for than you, they're not good at their jobs.
We're there to listen. Being listened to is such a wonderful experience that most of us haven't truly experienced. Most of the people in our lives listen to reply. A therapist listens to understand. There's a huge difference. Indeed, in an argument, we often listen so we can gather ammunition to shoot back. It's not very helpful to get to the core of a problem and to resolve it in a helpful manner.
You have to do most of the talking because us therapists are trying to gather information to understand your world and perspective. We're gathering clues and puzzle pieces, like a detective, to uncover the mystery that's your psyche. But not to solve it for you but to offer you insights to solve it for yourself.
How often have you been given advice about how to live your life and it didn't fit with your way of seeing the world and it made you feel worse, or confused? Or how often have you received advice and it felt great but shortly after you were back to the same problem because the advice didn't work for you?
That's because the advice wasn't based on who you are, what you want, your unique experiences and needs.
That's what a therapist is trained in doing - getting to know you on a deeply personal level, so you can get to know yourself on a deeply personal level and, ideally, be able to solve your own issues with more ease and less pain.
My Question isn't covered here!
Then, please, do get in touch and let me answer it directly and I can also add it to this list to help others that might be wondering the same as you!
You can either email me directly on kansted@outlook.com or contact me via social media (clickable icons at the button of this page).
You can either email me directly on kansted@outlook.com or contact me via social media (clickable icons at the button of this page).
I'm not the one needing help - my partner/child/parent/friend/collauge/boss needs to change - can you help?
There's a standard joke within my industry that the people seeking therapy are not the one's needing the help. It's not exactly true but most people do end up in therapy because their parents neglected them in childhood, or they're being bullied at work, or their partner is abusive or has cheated or is emotionally unavailable. So, it's really those other people who should be in therapy, right?
Well, yes and no.
It'd be great if people who cause harm to others would realise it and seek help, but on the other hand, since you're the one finding it a problem, you're also the one that could benefit from working with your thoughts and feelings to create a healthier life for yourself.
I mean, it'd also be neat if someone got cancer, that cancer alone could go and get chemo and the innocent human body didn't need to follow and go through the treatment but unfortunately, that's just not how the world is.
Is that super unfair? Yes, it is! But, fairness and justice are mental concepts we humans have developed and not really universal truths or facts of living in this complicated world. The antelope might not find it fair to be eaten by a lion either but it nevertheless happens daily.
So, no, a therapist can't help or fix your partner, or bullying co-worker, or parents, friends, children or narcissistic boss. You can't change someone who isn't looking to change. That includes you, by the way. If you come to therapy to change others but find yourself without fault or blame, therapy won't work for you either. And we can't change someone who isn't in the room with us either. We can't do proxy therapy.
But you can learn the skills to help yourself to make your relationships with others better - either by improving your communication skills, change the way you think, feel and react to others or by getting to a place where you stop having a relationship with those who aren't good for your mental health.
None of which will be easy processes but they will be worthwhile.
Well, yes and no.
It'd be great if people who cause harm to others would realise it and seek help, but on the other hand, since you're the one finding it a problem, you're also the one that could benefit from working with your thoughts and feelings to create a healthier life for yourself.
I mean, it'd also be neat if someone got cancer, that cancer alone could go and get chemo and the innocent human body didn't need to follow and go through the treatment but unfortunately, that's just not how the world is.
Is that super unfair? Yes, it is! But, fairness and justice are mental concepts we humans have developed and not really universal truths or facts of living in this complicated world. The antelope might not find it fair to be eaten by a lion either but it nevertheless happens daily.
So, no, a therapist can't help or fix your partner, or bullying co-worker, or parents, friends, children or narcissistic boss. You can't change someone who isn't looking to change. That includes you, by the way. If you come to therapy to change others but find yourself without fault or blame, therapy won't work for you either. And we can't change someone who isn't in the room with us either. We can't do proxy therapy.
But you can learn the skills to help yourself to make your relationships with others better - either by improving your communication skills, change the way you think, feel and react to others or by getting to a place where you stop having a relationship with those who aren't good for your mental health.
None of which will be easy processes but they will be worthwhile.
What do you do as a 'narrative psychology coach & Psychotherapist'?
My bachelors in psychology (from the University of Stirling; graduated 2013) taught me a lot about the human mind and behaviour, evolutionary psychology, neuroscience and how society and other people impact us. All things I use today in my sessions as an educational element to help my clients gain greater insight into their own psyche and behaviours.
My three-year, university education in pluralistic counselling (psychotherapy) taught me a lot of different models and methods to apply when working with individuals to help them grow self-awareness and become better at dealing with personal struggles, including mental health problems. In therapy it's no uncommon to talk about the past but not a requirement, and when working with me, we won't spend a lot of time in the past at all and I don't work directly with trauma.
I strongly believe in the idea that no one size fits all when it comes to therapy and it's about meeting you where you're at and not where I think you ought to be.
My coaching qualifications are based around looking forward, looking at what you want from life and your goals. It ensures we keep one foot in the future and don't get lost in the past and is designed to help you move forward and achieving the life you want.
My Masters in Psychology was focussed on autism and neurodiversity - something I have since specialised in - and I work a lot with newly diagnosed autistic adults.
I do not offer diagnoses as part of my practice but will, of course, respect any diagnosis you have and want to explore in sessions with me. Nor can I offer medication for any conditions.
Some people come to me because they see me as an expert - and whereas I do know a lot of things about a lot of things relating to the mind - I can never be the expert of you and your lived experience, thoughts and feelings. That's why you have to help me see the world through your eyes so we can find the best way forward for you, based on your wishes, needs and wants.
My three-year, university education in pluralistic counselling (psychotherapy) taught me a lot of different models and methods to apply when working with individuals to help them grow self-awareness and become better at dealing with personal struggles, including mental health problems. In therapy it's no uncommon to talk about the past but not a requirement, and when working with me, we won't spend a lot of time in the past at all and I don't work directly with trauma.
I strongly believe in the idea that no one size fits all when it comes to therapy and it's about meeting you where you're at and not where I think you ought to be.
My coaching qualifications are based around looking forward, looking at what you want from life and your goals. It ensures we keep one foot in the future and don't get lost in the past and is designed to help you move forward and achieving the life you want.
My Masters in Psychology was focussed on autism and neurodiversity - something I have since specialised in - and I work a lot with newly diagnosed autistic adults.
I do not offer diagnoses as part of my practice but will, of course, respect any diagnosis you have and want to explore in sessions with me. Nor can I offer medication for any conditions.
Some people come to me because they see me as an expert - and whereas I do know a lot of things about a lot of things relating to the mind - I can never be the expert of you and your lived experience, thoughts and feelings. That's why you have to help me see the world through your eyes so we can find the best way forward for you, based on your wishes, needs and wants.
