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Hello, Beautiful Thinkers...  A big part of what I preach and what I practice is self-acceptance and self-compassion, as well as growing our awareness around which stories belong to us and which stories belong to others. What exactly do I mean by that? We're not born a blank canvas (as once believed) but we are born a very impressionable canvas and from an early age we suck information and other people's beliefs and behaviours into our brains and let them take root because we're unequipped to ask critical questions and take an objective stance against all these worldly impressions thrown our way. We learn to suppress our needs when we're told to be quiet when eagerly and joyfully trying to explain something we find super interesting, or when we aren't picked up when we're crying, or when we’re told to stop fidgeting or we can't go to the toilet till later. We're programmed into becoming perfectionists who value our worth based on external validation due to how the school system is set up and by being told we're good boys or girls when we've cleaned our rooms or tidied our beds. Via observation, be that of our family, or friends or via television and social media, we learn what a beautiful woman and handsome man are supposed to look like and we learn that some things are cool and others aren't. Capitalism teaches us that success means a good job, a big house, a fancy car, beautiful things and amazing holidays. Depending on our culture, the society we've grown up in, the political climate and family traditions, we learn how to behave, think and feel but so often we presume that our beliefs are ours rather than something installed in us. Our beliefs become stories, narratives, of how to be a good human in this world. How to fit in, how to show up. And many of us end up feeling crappy because we can't live up to these expectations, or don't want to but also don't know how to say no or struggle to admit to ourselves that we reject the norm. As a consequence, we often see the new year as a chance to improve ourselves - lose weight, get organised, save up to buy that thing (house/car/outfit), become happy (whatever that means?!), stop smoking/drinking/moaning - New Year, New You! And, statistics show that most of us fail, and rather quickly, but what doesn't tend to fail is the inner critic telling us all about how shit we are for not improving or for quitting. So, I practice New Year, Same You! Of course, you're allowed to change, improve, lose weight or whatever you like and if the 1st of the month of a new year is a good motivating date for you - go nuts! But what change might occur if you chose to focus on self-acceptance and self-compassion above all else? To love your body as is. To be happy with what you have instead of craving more? To accept your messy, non-saving-up, smoking and drinking you as you are> What radical change might lie ahead of you start this new year by accepting what is – including you, warts and all – to relax more, to create more space to do nothing in, to be bored, to leave the dishes, to nap, to stare out the window, to skip gym day to cuddle instead? To, literally, stop and smell the roses (as well as metaphorically). What would happen if your focus was on self-love over self-criticism? On loving what is over what could have been? On good enough over perfection? On judging yourself less and giving everyone else a break too? Maybe that sounds like a lot of work and change, but what if all that comes from simply accepting it’s a new year and it’s the same you, instead of focussing so much on hard work and change that’s based on you not accepting yourself as you are in this glorious moment? Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed this article. If you did, or didn't, or want to add something or have a question, feel free to comment below (but try and be kind about it - I'm a terribly sensitive soul).
Don't forget that this is just my opinion. You don't have to agree. These pieces of writing are just here to make you think and take from it what you like and find helpful and ignore the rest. At the end of the day, it's your life and, therefore, what you consume, what you believe, and what you think and feel is your choice. Also, this article has been brought to you by a perfectly imperfect, flawsome dyslexic. I hope any potential spelling or grammar mistakes didn't take away from your enjoyment.
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OK, so on here there are articles about the differences between counsellors, psychotherapists, coaches, psychologists and psychiatrists. There is an article about the different methods, approaches and frameworks used and what these terms even mean. There are articles about why you’ll thank yourself for booking an appointment and how I specifically practice and also on why so many mental health practitioners are so private and secretive compared to the many loud life coaches on social media, telling you how to live your life. Well, I can only speak for myself but I do know that how I do it is not hugely unique, so it’s probably a good enough measurement of what a session looks like. First and foremost, you need to find a practitioner that offers what you’re wanting. That in itself can be tough, take time and be a bit overwhelming, to be honest. Whether you’re in the UK, US or in tiny Denmark there are different online directories where you can look up practitioners and their profiles. Otherwise, a quick Google search can help you identify individual people’s websites, like typing in ‘counsellor Glasgow’ or ‘life coach New York’ or ‘psychologist Copenhagen’. Depending on the size of your city, you may get hundreds of hits or only a few. Are you looking for a counsellor/psychotherapist, a psychologist or a coach? If you don’t know the difference, you can read about that here. Do you know what you want to talk about? Is it a problematic past, to get an ADHD diagnosis or to plan your future success? A counsellor or psychotherapist can help you with the first, a psychologist with the second and a coach with the third. If you are feeling overwhelmed and stressed then all three might be able to help you, depending on how you want to go about dealing with this stress. Get a feel of the person via their website or online profiles. Do they seem relatable? Set up a free or discounted first chat with them and see how you get on. Do they explain how they work? Did they make you feel safe and comfortable? Would you recommend them to your best friend? If yes, book another session. If not, find someone else. Don’t waste time on ‘giving it another chance’. Trust your initial reaction and follow your intuition. Now, each practitioner out there will handle each session differently. Confidentiality, respect and kindness should be a the heart of it for all though. But generally speaking, you’re expected to do most of the talking. The focus is on you. And it’s about going deep and not wasting time on small talk and pleasantries. It’s not about listening to the therapist dispense advice or tell you how to live (bummer, I know! But there’s a reason for that! I’m working on an article about that which will come out soon). You need to figure out solutions for yourself so that you can go and apply them later in life on your own. It’s kind of like getting a personal trainer to get fit and hoping to achieve this by simply watching him do the exercises or by being told which exercises to do. That won’t work. Nor will therapy where you’re told what to do. It needs to make sense from within you or it won’t work. If being told what to do worked, there’d be no therapists as everyone would be fixed by reading a self-help book. Because the reason self-help books don’t work in the long run is that the insights gained didn’t come from within you. And that’s really it! We talk. Well, you mostly talk and the practitioner listens. They will reflect on what you say, they’ll challenge you, or offer a different perspective, and they might offer you some resources to engage with between sessions, depending on their methods and approach. Some sessions will feel harder than others, some will come with more insights than others. There are no quick fixes and those who claim there are, are out to sell you something really overpriced (or are potentially in denial about their unresolved issues). There is no fixed timeframe for feeling better, even if someone offers you a 6-package deal. It takes whatever amount of time it takes for you. Some people have more time to reflect and ‘do the work’ in between sessions than others. Some people have more resources – energy, money, support – than others which might slow down or speed up their process. Some have harder lives to deal with than others. And some are faced with sudden and unexpected challenges. There are no big secrets, there are no magical cures, there is no one answer that works for all, and there is nothing dramatic or otherwise mysterious going on in talk therapy. It’s all rather dull on the one hand, and super exciting on the other (if you like reflecting on your life, that is – otherwise, it might be your idea of hell!) Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed this article. If you did, or didn't, or want to add something or have a question, feel free to comment below (but try and be kind about it - I'm a terribly sensitive soul).
Don't forget that this is just my opinion. You don't have to agree. These pieces of writing are just here to make you think and take from it what you like and find helpful and ignore the rest. At the end of the day, it's your life and, therefore, what you consume, what you believe, and what you think and feel is your choice. Also, this article has been brought to you by a perfectly imperfect, flawsome dyslexic. I hope any potential spelling or grammar mistakes didn't take away from your enjoyment. The thing about talk therapists, whether they call themselves counsellors, psychotherapists, coaches or psychologists, is that they're just as unique as you and so each practitioner will offer their own style and approach - which is both fantastic that there are so many options available for you to find your perfect match but it can also feel a bit overwhelming, during a time where you're probably already feeling overwhelmed - who to pick and why, right? So, first thing first: All talk therapists offer a confidential and safe space to explore your inner world, thoughts, feelings and behaviours and whatever 'problem in living' you're currently dealing with. Secondly, one of the most important things, for you to get the most out of therapy, isn't necessarily the therapist's techniques and experience but rather how you feel in their company. Is it easy for you to open up? Do you feel you can trust the person? Do you feel comfortable enough to open up despite the discomfort? If not, that therapist isn't for you. Third, each therapist will be trained in a specific model and depending on your preferred style of working (which you may not know until you've tried it) it might be worth looking into the specific therapist's style to make sure it works for you. You're also allowed to ask questions about how they work when you meet them for the first time. Personally, I work within something called the 'pluralistic framework' which is part philosophy, part method. The philosophy part is a belief that 'no one size fits all' when it comes to talking therapy. You're a unique person and it's my job to try and tailor the session to your needs and wants, as much as I can. You can find more about this method here. My approach and training mean I can work with a large array of people and issues, but specialise in helping people who feel a bit lost in life and who're unsure what direction to take, those who're struggling with their self-worth, procrastination, perfectionism, imposter syndrome, those dealing with a harsh and negative inner dialogue or those who feel that they've lost a sense of who they are and what their authentic voice sounds like in a world that's busy telling them who to be and how to live, and I love working with creative types who want to make a change to their future, direction and self-beliefs. I also specialise working with neurodivergent people, mainly autistic people (if that applies to you, you might find this programme I’ve created interesting – click here). **If you're wanting to explore complex trauma or are dealing with a complicated diagnosis like BPD or an eating disorder, you should seek a therapist with specialist trauma training. If you're aware that your issue perhaps falls into this category but feel a bit lost in what to do next, please do get in touch and ask for recommendations/advice.** Sometimes talk therapy is simply a place to off-load and talk things through while feeling understood and validated. It can be an incredibly cathartic feeling. Some ask what the difference is between talking to a therapist and a friend. After all, you have an established relationship with a friend. Wouldn't it be easier to open up to them instead of a stranger (as well as cheaper!)? I cannot recommend highly enough talking to friends about your problems if you have some good friends to do that with. However, friends will have a unique set of skills a talk therapist lack (I've written an article about that here). Other people go to a therapist to ensure change. They want to move away from a problem or situation. It's important to stress, in that scenario, that you cannot overcome a problem simply by talking about it, nor can a therapist fix you or your life for you. You have to do the work yourself, much like when you want to get stronger muscles. You can hire a personal trainer to guide and support you but the trainer cannot give you the muscle gain on your behalf. You have to be ready to do the work, willing to do the work and able to do the work (I’ve written a longer piece about that here). And by 'work', I mean actively engaging with your challenges, dedicating time to it, committing to the tasks needed for change and prioritise yourself, whether that's carving out more self-care time, saying no to working late, setting better boundaries with your family, making sure you try and change a bad habit and install new better ones and so on. However, you cannot start changing a thought, feeling or behaviour if you do not understand why you're doing it in the first place. So, part of talk therapy is to help you gain awareness of why you think, feel and behave the way you do to be able to change it. That's why my motto is: "If you don't change anything, nothing will change". If you want to change your life, you have to start by changing your habits and creating new and healthier ones for the life you want to make for yourself. In my many years of working within this field, I've often pondered the answer to the question 'how do you define talk therapy?'. The problem is, that it means different things to different people, depending on what they're needing at any given time, what 'problem in living' they're dealing with at that moment and what they're wanting moving forward. Talk therapy is about meeting you where you're at, and not where I think you ought to be. Now, the first thing I want to address before breaking down the different terms of talk therapy, is that you don't have to have something 'wrong' with you to go talk to a therapist. It's not something reserved for those who are a bit 'crazy'. This is to be understood in two ways: Talk therapy can be for anyone interested in personal development and growth. So, even if you just want to take your amazing life and make it even better, talk therapy might help you become clearer on what steps you need to talk to achieve that. If you're procrastinating on a big project or a lifelong dream, like writing a book, talk therapy can help you find motivation and inspiration while addressing thoughts and feelings that are holding you back (what the coaching world would call 'limiting beliefs'). The other way to understand this, which I talk much more about here, is that even if you feel broken or 'crazy', I am fairly certain you're not! And talking to a therapist might just make you see that you're not. The hardship of defining talk therapy is also that different talk therapists will answer this differently depending on their training, their personal preferences and their offerings. A psychotherapist will do things a bit differently than a psychologist and a psychiatrist will again offer something completely different and a coach will offer something entirely different. So, it’s important that you know for yourself what you’re seeking and wanting. This might be hard if you haven’t had help before, so you might want to do some online searches to help yourself get that clarity. I might also be able to help via my article about the differences between talk therapists and mental health practitioners (available here), or my article about the different methods offered by talk therapists (you can read that here), what’s needed from you to get the most out of talk therapy (see here) and more about how I, uniquely, work and the kind of people I usually talk to (that’s here), or, indeed, why you’ll thank yourself for booking an appointment at all (see here). Looking at the Manual of You, what do you know to already work for you? One-to-one support, reading books, attending courses or workshops? Have you had therapy before – what did you like and what didn’t you like? Have you changed something about yourself or your life before? If so, what did you do that worked for you? Why are you even thinking about seeing a talk therapist? What’s going on in your life that you’re wanting support for? Are you ready, willing and able to start this journey? Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed this article. If you did, or didn't, or want to add something or have a question, feel free to comment below (but try and be kind about it - I'm a terribly sensitive soul).
Don't forget that this is just my opinion. You don't have to agree. These pieces of writing are just here to make you think and take from it what you like and find helpful and ignore the rest. At the end of the day, it's your life and, therefore, what you consume, what you believe, and what you think and feel is your choice. Also, this article has been brought to you by a perfectly imperfect, flawsome dyslexic. I hope any potential spelling or grammar mistakes didn't take away from your enjoyment.
As humans, we tend to do an awful lot of self-bullying. Which it pretty sad. But, as if it wasn't enough that we have a tendency to over-think, over-analyse, criticise ourselves and replay negative memories on repeat, we tend to blame ourselves for for thinking, feeling and behaving in ways that been pre-installed in our systems from thousands and thousands of years ago. Thoughts, feeling and behaviours that serve as important survival mechanisms and yet we often see them as personal flaws and shortcomings. So, allow me to tell you why you're way more sane than you think! Professor and clinical psychiatrist Dan Siegel once said that we're hardwired for unhappiness! And psychologist Dr Rick Hanson says the brain is like Velcro for bad memories and Teflon for good ones. So, what do they mean by that? You might be a modern, 21st century human and though the brain in your scull is as old as you, it's evolutionary design is much, much older - over 40.000 years actually. Imagine that - the software you're walking around with is over 40.000 years old and yet, you're somehow managing to function relatively well in current times. I don't think you'd be able to say the same for a PC running on a 40.000 year old Windows update, do you? Very often the people I work with call themselves 'people-pleasures' and it's certainly not a compliment! Even though, we're designed to people please, to fit in, to not rock the boat. If you got kicked out of your tribe back in the day, you'd die. Fitting in and learning to please those around you have been a survival mechanism for centuries. Other people complain about how negative they are and how they can't stop replaying negative memories, whereas they can hardly remember the good times. What's wrong with them, they ask me. I'll tell you... Nothing! We also come delivered with a negativity bias pre-installed! That's the thing about being hardwired for unhappiness and the Teflon/Velcro metaphor. From a survival perspective, you gained nothing from walking around, happily day dreaming about all the good times while forgetting the bad. But your chances of survival were much higher if you worried in advance. If you replayed bad outcomes over and over you'd be much better prepared if the same bad situation happened again. And if you got scared easily by brown sticks on the ground, you stood a better chance of escaping that one time the brown stick turned out to be a poisonous snake! I could go on but then it'll become a rather long post. But so many of the things we label as 'bad' nowadays and give mental health labels to, like anxiety, have an evolutionary basis. They served a purpose. Perhaps the purpose is less obvious or some of these designs less desirable today but that doesn't make you broken or crazy or stupid. All our negative emotions serve a purpose, whether we can tie them back to evolution or not. Just like all positive feelings do too. Our feelings don't deserve to be demonised the way they typically are today and these 'good' and 'bad', 'positive' and 'negative' labels are, often, more hindering than helpful. Our emotions are there to tell us a story but we have to learn to listen instead of judge so much. To stay curious and open to them so we can figure out their meaning and reason. Depression isn't some random thing that happens to some people (and it's not a chemical imbalance - that myth has been debunked quite a few times but instead of writing an article about it, you can just Google 'chemical imbalance myth'). Depression is a reaction to something. Question is, are you paying attention to what its reacting to? Johann Hari wrote, in his excellent book, Lost Connections: Depression and anxiety are normal reactions to abnormal circumstances. I think that's true for all mental health problems. Like Dr Bruce D Perry writes in this must-read book What Happened to You, we must stop asking 'what's wrong with you?' (or to say, what's wrong with me?) and start asking 'what happened to you?' (or, ask yourself with love what happened to me?) Our reactions serve a purpose. They tell a story. It's sometimes hard to know what that story is without a bit of help and growing our own self-awareness. Certainly, for a long time when I was younger I thought the answer was plain and simply: What's wrong? I'm stupid, I'm a failure, I'm useless. That's also a story but it's not the story I'm talking about. What happened to set those sorts of thoughts in motion because none of us were born thinking like that. Those kind of thoughts are installed in us as we grow up. And at some point, you have to decide if you want to keep telling yourself the same old story if it no longer serves you or whether you're ready to do the work to find a better story, to create a narrative that works for you. As they say, insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. So, it's up to you if you want to keep trying the same thing, tell the same story, carry on living life as you are now and get the same results, or if you want to try something different, something new? And just to be clear, I'm not talking about lying to yourself. I'm not talking about fake affirmations or denying anything. I'm not asking you to gaslight yourself. Chances are that you already are and I'm offering you a chance to expand your perspective and create a 'thicker', more balanced and nuanced story. It's up to you... Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed this article. If you did, or didn't, or want to add something or have a question, feel free to comment below (but try and be kind about it - I'm a terribly sensitive soul).
Don't forget that this is just my opinion. You don't have to agree. These pieces of writing are just here to make you think and take from it what you like and find helpful and ignore the rest. At the end of the day, it's your life and, therefore, what you consume, what you believe, and what you think and feel is your choice. Also, this article has been brought to you by a perfectly imperfect, flawsome dyslexic. I hope any potential spelling or grammar mistakes didn't take away from your enjoyment. Hello, Beautiful Thinkers...  Words are so powerful that I feel intimidated even writing this article, ironically. Words create our reality. The words we choose to describe ourselves, the world around us and the people in it will determine how we feel about these things. Words carry tremendous power - we can build someone up, simply by the words we use, we can make someone cry via our words, we can hurt, we can heal, we can support, we can destroy - simply by using the right words. It is not innocent when we call ourselves stupid or useless, nor when we call our partners arseholes or naggers, even if in gist. Likewise, labels are words and labels have the capacity to make someone feel empowered or helpless. I often talk about my experience of finding out that the struggles I had as a teen had a name - depression - and how finding out this piece of information was incredibly healing. Suddenly, I felt less alone in it. I realise so many people felt the same way as me that it had a name! I wasn't a freak of nature. I belonged, in a sense. But after a while, this label that had offered me such relief became my prison. I was a depressed person. It became part of my identity and I believed it to be a life sentence. But what happens if, instead of saying 'I'm depressed' or 'I'm a depressive', we say 'I have depression' or even better 'right now, I'm going through a depressive episode'. What happens when we stop identifying with a label and create some distance with our language? In Irish Gaelic they don't say 'I am sad', they say 'sadness is on me'. Suddenly, it changes the whole relationship between us and the sadness. It's like a rainy cloud hanging on us, but we are not the cloud itself. If it is on us, it can also lift from us. Fortunately, I didn't come across the word 'imposter' until a few years ago. I say 'fortunately' because I've felt like an imposter many times but because I didn't know this label I never identified with being an imposter. Instead, I noticed the feelings and labelled them as something else - a need to update my knowledge. as awe of others, as inspiration to improve myself. And even though I now know that the feelings I had has the name 'imposter syndrome', I still don't feel like a fraud or imposter because I've always used different words, more empowering and helpful words to describe my experience. Equally interesting, when talking about the word imposter is the addition of 'syndrome' when, originally, it was called 'imposter phenomenon'. What happens to our perception of ourselves when we talk about having a syndrome versus being part of a phenomenon? "I have a dream..." and with those words Martin Luther King Jr inspired a nation, giving hope, sending a message of unity and love. "Drain the swamps..." also inspired many people but with these words hate and segregation was encouraged when uttered by Donald Trump. "You're so sensitive." How many people have had their emotions and experience shut down by these unempathetic words? This is a gaslighting sentence often used by shaming people who know they've done wrong, or are too ignorant to look at their own behaviours and making their unkindness someone else's problem. Gaslighting - another interesting word we throw around frequently nowadays. It stems from a movie where the husband drives the wife insane by denying her her reality to such an extend she starts to question her own mind. It's an excellent word, and it's good to be aware of how this technique is used to control others but what's often overlooked is how often we gaslight ourselves - deny ourselves reality to punish, avoid or reject ourselves. I once had a boyfriend who gaslighted me all the time but as I got distance from that relationship I had to admit how often I'd gaslighted myself to make the relationship work. So, we can take words we use about others and hold it in our hands and gently, kindly wonder - does this word apply to me too? Am I judging others because I'm really judging myself? I use suggested to a client that they told themselves better stories. Stories that supported being kind towards themselves instead of always finding flaws. The client made a face. They were not interested in lying to themselves to feel better. They'd just be gaslighting themselves if they were denying their reality to tell a more positive story. But as The School of Life posted on Facebook: The difference between hope and despair is a different way of telling stories from the same facts. I was bullied as a child - fact. I grew up in a safe neighbourhood with a loving mother - fact. I had a critical father - fact. I went on many wonderful holidays with my family - fact. Depending on which fact I focus on, I can tell a story of despair or one of privilege. I do stupid things and I sometimes hurt people in the process - fact. This does not make me feel good about myself and it hurts my self-esteem. I sometimes do stupid things and in the process hurt people. That's never my intention. My intentions are always good but I make mistakes. Fact. This is the same situation but with a better narrative attached. A narrative that's kinder. I'm not lying in the second narrative, I'm just being more nuanced in my answer. Speaking of judgement, our language is rife with common, everyday remarks that are meant to make us feel bad about ourselves or make others feel bad about themselves: - attention seeking - grow up - put your big girl/boy pants on - grow thicker skin - throwing my toys out the pram If someone is 'attention seeking' its because they're wanting attention. There's nothing bad about that. They're clearly feeling lonely, overlooked, sad, rejected or some other unpleasant feeling and they're craving love - that's what attention is - love. They're seeking connection. That's what 'attention seeking' means - connection and love seeking. Why have we demonised this word? Why do we berate children craving connection and love? Grow up, put your big pants on, grow thicker skin, stop being so childish, throwing toys out the pram - all of these are there to reduce a person's behaviour into something to be ridiculed, something to be dismissed or a taunt. What do we achieve by this, except to isolate people and make them feel shame and/or unaccepted? Wouldn't it be better if we asked what was going on? What need wasn't being met for them? Why do we think that growing thicker skin (which usually means to be less bothered or less offended) is a good thing, compared to being thin-skinned, sensitive, empathetic, respectful and considerate? Countless articles talk about how women can be more assertive and talk like men. As if that's a good thing? Why are we not teaching men how to be more kind and caring in their emails? More indirect for the sake of establishing good rapport? I was once told that getting into my Masters was because it was 'meant to be'. By using these three words, my well-meaning friend had complete reduced the past six month of hard work to get into this Masters and find the funding to be able to accept their offer. I didn't get in because it was meant to be. I got in because I worked bloody hard for it. I'm a people-pleaser I'm so negative What's wrong with me, I can't stop ruminating I over-think all the time Common sentences people use that have a negative connotation. Words used to describe a deficit in them. And yet, as I write about here, these are pre-installed software programmes that comes with the human hardware. These are survival mechanisms that far predates our current environment. In this podcast episode Lisa Feldman Barrett talks about her emotional theory. We've long believed (and are still taught) that there are six basic human emotions - anger, surprise, disgust, enjoyment, fear and sadness. Except that's not true. We don't have any universal understanding of emotions. But what we do have is a shared language and our words shape our reality. Much like the brain doesn't have the concept that a tight chest means we're anxious. But if we have a tight chest in many anxious situations, we start to create an automatic narrative and it becomes a self-fulling prophecy. Due to our words and word association. This means we can deconstruct this reality - also by using words. If you have clammy hands, your breath is laboured, your heart is racing and you have butterflies in your stomach - you may label your symptoms as nervousness if you're about to give a speech. But, if you're about to jump out of an airplane and that's your favourite thing to do, you might also label these same feelings excitement. You body doesn't know the difference but the words you choose will determine how you feel about the situation. I used to think that butterflies in my stomach when dating someone meant I was in love. Now, I associate those with being anxious because I don't trust the person. Neither are a universal truth but experience have taught me that the butterflies are there when the person I'm dating isn't making me feel safe. I once received a text message from a friend telling me that I was spending too much time with my boyfriend. This happened the same week another friend told me to ignore her fully and go and enjoy my new relationship. One of these are still my friend. The words we choose to communicate with others can create deeper and lasting connection or it can break a bond. Passive-aggressive, indirect, unkind or dismissive words are seldom going to bring you closer to someone. And yet, these are ways we often communicate with our partners when tensions run high. It's often said that we hurt the ones we love most. This is not a universal truth about love and being in a romantic relationship but a truth about projecting our unresolved issues onto others and choosing those we hope won't abandon us but it's a technique that usually ends in heartbreak for both parties. Sticks and stone may break my bones but words... can hurt forever. We can't ever unlearn or forget but we can suppress, numb and avoid and we can also learn to change our relationship with words. When my inner critic calls me stupid, I now know it's telling me I'm tired. When I question my partners love and commitment, I know I'm really worried about being rejected. When someone calls me unkind words, I know it's because they're hurting and don't know where to put that hurt. When I call other people unkind words, I know it's because I have work to do within myself. I recently came across something called a 'thought-terminating cliché' and it's used to end a discussion, like saying 'it is what it is'. What a dismissive thing to say, right? Whether we're dismissing ourselves and our feelings or someone else's. A couple of weeks later I came across the concept 'emotional regulation strategies', which can include saying 'it is what it is' as a way to put things into perspective, acknowledge the situation for what it is and how it is and try to move on. In other words, the same sentence can be used to help ourselves. Words are powerful! Use them wisely. But never presume that everyone put the same meaning into a word as you. 'Treat others like you'd like to be treated'. No - treat others like they'd like to be treated. Ask. Never presume. Use your words with kind consideration. They have the power to break someone, and the power to put them together again. So, why not choose respectful, kind, considerate words? Towards yourself as well as others. Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed this article. If you did, or didn't, or want to add something or have a question, feel free to comment below (but try and be kind about it - I'm a terribly sensitive soul).
Don't forget that this is just my opinion. You don't have to agree. These pieces of writing are just here to make you think and take from it what you like and find helpful and ignore the rest. At the end of the day, it's your life and, therefore, what you consume, what you believe, and what you think and feel is your choice. Also, this article has been brought to you by a perfectly imperfect, flawsome dyslexic. I hope any potential spelling or grammar mistakes didn't take away from your enjoyment.
That’s quite a mouthful, isn’t it? It’s not snazzy or super concise but I am hoping it gives the impression of ‘it does what it says on the tin’. The only problem is you might not understand any of the words in this context. I hold a bachelor's and master's of science in psychology. How I think and how I practice is deeply rooted in psychology – the study of the human mind – and research, data and science. Though I respect individuals’ belief systems and can hold on to their truths without letting my opinion influence a session, I am better suited to work for people who share my beliefs in research, data and science above religious and spiritual beliefs. That also means that in the work I do with people, I introduce current scientific thinking as an educational element to sessions – so, that might mean that I explain how the brain works and why we can create certain mental barriers for ourselves. For example, I don’t view procrastination as a personal failing and flaw but see it as a natural, psychological coping mechanism. When the brain is overwhelmed it changes its focus to something more manageable as a stress response. So, when you’re procrastinating it’s not about overcoming a personal deficit in attention but about making the task at hand more manageable so the brain doesn’t get overwhelmed. So, that’s the ‘psychology-informed’ bit of my practice and what it might look like when working with me. I’m also a coach – to be precise, my diploma says I’m a ‘transformational life coach’, meaning I focus on ‘life’ issues rather than being a career coach or executive coach and I focus on creating transformation – deep, insightful change – so, not quick fixes and ‘band-aid’ solutions to big wounds. A coach, put very simplistically, focuses on the future. It’s about setting goals (meaning, what you’re hoping to achieve, build, create or accomplish), so that we know we’re going in the same direction in our sessions, so we know what we’re working towards and to ensure there’s a proactive dynamic in our sessions and we’re not just going over old ground from the past, over and over, dwelling and getting stuck in old emotions and patterns of the past. This might sound appealing but it’s important to note that this means that my approach is not for everyone. Those who want to do deep, intense past work and focus on complex childhood trauma or PTSD should seek a trauma expert (not a ‘trauma informed’ therapist but someone specialised in trauma work with the appropriate methods in place – you can read about methods here). However, I also believe that life coaching can be too future-focused and though we might feel great after a coaching session – alive, energised, inspired and ready for action – there’s a risk we’ll fall back into our old patterns and habits and feel stuck once more while blaming ourselves for not maintaining the momentum our coaching gave us – because we didn’t look back to identify where the old patterns and habits stem from. Not to sit and dig around in it but to grow our self-awareness so that next time we’re feeling stuck, instead of blaming ourselves as incapable, we can recognise where the stuckness comes from and take action in a much more informed manner. That’s the therapeutic part of what I’m offering. We will look back into the past – and that can be tricky and uncomfortable if you’re not ready to do that work, you should probably wait or seek a different practitioner. Part of a successful outcome of seeing a talk therapist is that you’re ready, willing and able (I write about that here). Finally, I’m a pluralist which, for me, above all else, is a philosophy – a way of thinking about the work I do and my approach to others. Technically, I’m trained in the Pluralistic Framework, created by Mick Cooper and John McLeod (if you Google this, you’ll get some helpful articles about this). What being a pluralist means to me is that I will meet you where you’re at and not what I think you ought to be in life and in your process. I recognise that no one size fits all when it comes to therapy as we’re all wonderfully different and unique. So, it’s not about coming to me and I’ll apply one method or framework or approach (again, this is the article that explains what this means here) that works for me but about having a conversation about where you’re at and what works for you and with the knowledge and skills I have, I’ll do my best to tailor our sessions after your needs, wishes, experiences and desires. Now, sometimes, especially if we’re new to the world of talk therapy, we might not know what we want or need or desire. That’s ok too. Then we’ll work from that starting point (as I said, it’s about meeting you where you’re at) and together we’ll try and figure out what works for you and what doesn’t. This includes me asking sometimes what has been helpful and what might you want less of and relying on your ability to be honest with your feedback above any kind of people-pleasing tendencies. You’re not here to soothe my ego or please me. We’re here to support you become the version of yourself that you want. Talk therapy is like a dress rehearsal – let’s set the table, let’s get all dressed up, let’s play it out and see what works and what doesn’t so you can show up much better prepared and satisfied when the real event occurs. That includes being allowed to get angry with me, cry, or express frustration with me or the sessions and not be criticised, scolded, or experience any other negative consequences for expressing your emotions. So, there you have it – I’m a pluralist, meaning I’ll meet you where you’re at and don’t believe in ‘one size fits all’ approach to talk therapy. I’ll apply different methods at different times as suit you. And it’s always ok to change your mind or want different things on different days. I use psychology to inform my practice and our conversations as a means to educate you about how the mind works (I also use research from sociology, anthropology and other sciences as well as philosophy). It’s about enhancing our knowledge and learning to become better thinkers and observers of ourselves, others and the world around us. The therapeutic part means that we will do some deep, emotional work too. Look into your complicated inner self and talk a bit about past experiences and your mental health (strengths as well as perceived weaknesses). And finally, the coaching means that we’ll look ahead, we’ll create a plan for what you hope to achieve by coming to me and talking to me. We’ll talk about the version of you that you want to be. If you don’t want to change anything, then you might be wasting your money. If you’re hoping to change other people by talking to me, you’ll also be wasting your money. But if you want to change your relationship with other people by changing yourself, we can absolutely do that. I’ve also written an article you might find helpful about the difference between a counsellor, psychotherapist, psychologist, psychiatrist and coach that you can find here. I hold a BSc and MSc in psychology. In Denmark, that’s the requirement for calling yourself a psychologist but as my degrees are from Scotland I do not qualify for using the title ‘psychologist’ which is protected in Denmark. However, it’s not protected in the UK, for example, where I can call myself a psychologist. I’m also a university-trained and qualified counsellor and psychotherapist but these are not protected titles, at least not in Denmark and in the UK (but they are in certain other European countries, as well as in the US). I’m not and never will be a psychiatrist and can’t offer diagnoses nor medicine. And I’m also a life coach but again this is not a protected title anywhere in the world and you do not need to have completed any training to use this title. Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed this article. If you did, or didn't, or want to add something or have a question, feel free to comment below (but try and be kind about it - I'm a terribly sensitive soul).
Don't forget that this is just my opinion. You don't have to agree. These pieces of writing are just here to make you think and take from it what you like and find helpful and ignore the rest. At the end of the day, it's your life and, therefore, what you consume, what you believe, and what you think and feel is your choice. Also, this article has been brought to you by a perfectly imperfect, flawsome dyslexic. I hope any potential spelling or grammar mistakes didn't take away from your enjoyment.
So, you're thinking about booking an appointment with a talk therapist, such as a counsellor, psychotherapist, psychologist or coach (confused about the differences, check out this article), but you're not sure... Is it for you? Is your problem 'big' enough? Will it be too awkward and/or embarrassing and/or shameful? What if you don't like it? What if it makes things worse? What if other people find out? (If there's another reason not mentioned here, that's making you hesitate, why not pop it in the comment section below so I can address it in another post?) Talk therapy is one of the most misunderstood concepts in the world of health (OK, that was an overstatement but I'm going to stick with it for emphasis). I'm sure Freud and his obsessions with sex and female hysteria have something to do with this and certainly Hollywood isn't helping in the way they often portray what talk therapy is like (to be honest, for anyone not in the client's chair, talk therapy would be so boring to observe that no one would want to watch an honest show about it and us therapists live such normal lives that it wouldn't be worth making any movie or TV character a therapist if portrayed accurately). There's still stigma attached to seeing a talk therapist and the word 'crazy' and still creeps into my sessions (as in, 'I'm not crazy or anything' as if that was my presumption when a new client comes to see me). Nor is talk therapy necessarily about having a mental health problem (notice how I write 'problem'. We've developed a bad habit in our society of simply using the words 'mental health' to mean something bad, but the two words 'mental' and 'health' put together mean nothing. You need an adjective like 'poor' or 'good' or verbs like 'fitness' or 'problem/struggle/issue' to make those words have any meaning. Just like you don't tend to talk about 'physical health' without saying 'improvement' or 'bad' to make it clear what you're talking about). First of all, a talk therapist, like a counsellor or psychotherapist or life coach of some sort, is not a psychologist or psychiatrist and each of these disciplines works differently though a psychologist and a psychiatrist can offer talk therapy too (yes, it all gets a bit muddled at times). So, it's important, to ensure you get the desired support, that you're clear on why you're seeking support and what for. Some talk therapists are trained in specific areas like complex trauma, eating disorders, EMDR, hypnotherapy or other techniques/approaches, and if you have a problem that's causing serious disruption to your day-to-day living, it may be best you seek someone with specialist training. Others get trained in a specific approach/framework that can be applied across a variety of issues, such as Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) which is what the NHS will offer you, for example (I'm a pluralist, and you can read all about that here). If you're seeking a diagnosis, you may want to seek out a psychologist or psychiatrist. So, what does a talk therapist do? We talk... Or rather, we expect you to talk. Though we can sit in complete silence as well - that's OK too. I've written a post about what talk therapy is here so I'm not going to bore you any further with that just now. Instead, let's get specific as to why you should book an appointment and why you'll thank yourself afterwards. When we live in our heads, our thoughts can become quite overwhelming. It's really good and healthy to just let it out. That in itself has been proven to be cathartic. Even more so when in the company of a professional talk therapist as they're trained in listening in a way you won't have experienced before among friends. A talk therapist listens deeply and will hear, see and understand you in a way you might never have felt understood before. They're also amazing at putting themselves in your shoes and seeing the world through your eyes (that's what empathy is, compared to 'sympathy' which is when you feel sad or sorry for someone else). A talk therapist won't judge you or make you feel bad for what you've said because they understand that being a human is complex and we sometimes do or think things that society would frown upon. But not us. We'll respect you and make you feel validated in how you feel and think (though we might challenge you in it if how you're thinking and feeling isn't very healthy for you, but we'll be respectful and kind about it). We think talk therapy is so awesome and that absolutely everyone should try it and we don't see any problem as too small. Because of our ability to empathise, we do not have to have lived through your problems to be able to relate. Actually, sometimes it can be quite helpful to talk to someone quite different from you because they might offer you insight that someone who has lived through your experiences cannot. Talk therapists are not very interested in diagnoses and labels. It's not because they aren't helpful (to some, sometimes) but because they're much more interested in what makes you tick and how a specific problem impacts you uniquely. We don't see you as being 'mentally ill' either but rather as someone with 'a problem in living' - and we all experience that at some point in our lives or another, and often, rather frequently. Because life is tough! Our modern, Westernised world is not geared towards our ancient brains - all that noise, and busyness, and long to-do lists. Just think back to our ancestors... No generation before us has ever lived such stressful lives! It's really hard for us to cope in this environment. And never in history have we been so disconnected from each other, and as we're a group animal, it makes sense that we're struggling. For us, talk therapists, coming to talk to someone like us, is not about being 'ill' in any way. We think of it as a fundamental thing that absolutely everyone should have access to and be offered across their lifespan, and the stuff we explore in therapy should be taught in schools. Because the stuff we talk about is: How to communicate better with other people to avoid misunderstandings; how to think in ways that are healthier for your mood; how to take good care of yourself so that you can be the best possible you and, thereby, be of much more help to others as well; how to make relationships work; how to be more assertive instead of aggressive or invisible; how to let go of your parents' problems and not let them become yours; how to make friends; how to feel good about yourself, and your body, and your way of seeing the world; that we all see the world slightly differently; that we are indeed just part of the animal species but we're living far beyond skills and ability in this crazy, modern world; that you're OK the way that you are... but so are other people; how to learn self-compassion; how to let go of judgement; how to be happier; how to raise happier children; how to create a life that works for you; how to say no more; how our words impact our lives; how to grow in self-esteem and confidence; how to know you're a person of worth; how to deal with shame and regrets; how to grieve the loss of a loved one; how to deal with loss of control, change and challenges; how to turn obstacles into opportunities; how to conduct first aid on your emotions, just like you would on a cut or wound. We can explore why you're feeling so anxious or depressed, why you're struggling to make friends, how to deal with office bullies or breakdowns in relationships and much, much more. All day-to-day stuff. Nothing 'crazy' about it. What would your life have looked like if you'd been taught these things instead of Shakespeare and how to sit standardised tests? However, if you feel like you are going 'crazy', talk therapy can still really benefit you. Because I'll tell you a well-kept secret: You're not crazy! Even if you're sitting with a diagnosis like schizophrenia or BPD, or an eating disorder or OCD - you're not one bit crazy. Rather, your mind is saying 'mayday, mayday, we have a problem!!' but the world around you, and maybe even your over-riding thoughts are ignoring this mayday signal and carrying on as if nothing is the matter. At one point our emotional well-being is going to say 'STOP! I want off! You're not taking me seriously, so I'll MAKE YOU!" and so it does stuff like make you feel depressed or anxious, or worried that you'll do something horrible to your family, or it'll create a second voice in your head that tells you nasty things. It can make you feel suicidal and you might start harming yourself to feel the pain in your body, rather than in your head or to punish yourself because the voice tells you that you deserve to be punished. Again, you're not crazy if this is the case, but you really should be listening to your emotions because they're wanting something better for you. Maybe you've been ignoring a harmful childhood for too long; maybe you're unwilling to recognise that your relationship is not good for you; or maybe you've experienced something traumatic in your past that you haven't worked through yet - we can't do that as humans. We can't just bury things and hope they'll go away. It's like when we've had an argument with our partner and we don't resolve it but choose to just sweep it all under the carpet... We all know it doesn't stay there but instead, while busy ignoring it, it'll grow arms and legs and come out a much worse monster than it was, to begin with. Pandora's Box might have been pushed way back in the closet but it will not stay quiet there. Going to see a talk therapist will allow you to open Pandora's Box yourself instead of waiting for it to spring open of its own accord at some inconvenient time. So, there is no such thing as 'too small' a problem. Sometimes, some problems may be 'too big' for a non-specialist talk therapist but you can talk that through with them. You can talk to a talk therapist about anything, as long as you are clear on your expectations of them and you've explored with them if they can meet those, and you're clear on the limitations of therapy and confidentiality (a good therapist will offer you a contract where it's all there in black and white but some might choose not to, so do ask them about confidentiality, note taking and record keeping - after all, these are your private details). If you're hoping for a quick fix... If you're hoping there's this easy-to-follow formula to clear away several decades of trauma... If you think we can read your mind... If you think all your problems will go away by themselves... If you think that the therapist can 'fix' other people in your life so you don't have to change... If you think making big life changes is easy... You will be disappointed by talk therapy. Anyone who offers you the above is not being honest with you - and quite possibly, not with themselves either.  There's a famous, American, self-help guru who says he can cure your depression in a matter of minutes. He'll do a few party tricks and you'll feel instantly better. But if you return later and tell him you're depressed again, he'll make it out to be your fault for not wanting to be cured enough. This is dangerous, and an ethical talk therapists with proper training, do not say or offer these things. We understand there are underlying causes that won't go away after a few minutes due to some fancy tricks and we understand that life will keep throwing spanners in the works and you may develop issues again, and again. (That's the other secret of mental health - it's not a one-off fix. Just like with your physical health - if you want to keep staying fit, you'll have to keep exercising. For the rest of your life! The mind-muscle is no different. Talk therapy is not about 'curing you'. It's about giving you an emotional education. It's about teaching you how to be your own therapist eventually and how to apply emotional first aid. It's about teaching you healthier ways of dealing with your life, your past and your (probably) unrealistic expectations of yourself and others. It's about supporting and guiding you, and not fixing you or doing the work for you. It's like getting a personal fitness trainer, but for the mind. It's like going to the GP to get a cast on your broken leg, but this time it's a metaphorical cast on your mind. It's needed but also temporary as long as you follow the proper care instructions. It's about seeking a specialist so you don't have to do all the work yourself, much like you'll seek an electrician for your house if something goes awry instead of doing it all yourself (and risk being electrocuted). It's really good. It can be tough at times, but no tougher than sitting with it all in your head, all alone. It will be worth it. BUT! Finding a good talk therapist is kind of like finding a new friend. You will not be friends in real life, nor after your treatment, but you should feel safe and comfortable in their company. You should feel able to be fully yourself and say whatever pops into your mind without censoring yourself or fearing their reaction. You should trust them fully. Otherwise, it's unlikely to work well, or at all. But your therapist can't guess what's going on for you if you don't tell them, so if it doesn't feel right for you, find someone else. Don't think you're not right for therapy, or that all therapists are like the one you've tried and didn't like or that you should just give it more time because it's probably you that's the problem (it's not!). We, therapists, are as unique as you. We all offer different things and different ways of dealing with stuff, and we all have our own unique personalities. Find someone who matches you and your needs. And there's nothing wrong with shopping around. It's quite the investment after all. Not just financially, but also emotionally and time-wise. So, if you find a therapist and you don't quite understand the format of how therapy will work, how the therapist will work, what's expected of you, how it all works, or you feel you don't understand the questions you're asked, or the point of the questions, or if you're both just sitting there in silence and you don't understand why - ask! If you're unsure if the session is 50 minutes or 60, or if you're supposed to lie down or sit, if you're expected to do homework, or if you know that you are but don't want to, or if you don't understand why the therapist is behaving like they are - ask! These are your sessions! Your time! Your money! You are the one in charge. If you're not put at the centre of therapy - as in, this is about you, your needs and your wants - ask yourself if that's the sort of therapy you want (it might be! Some therapists don't believe in the person-centred approach but rather that they are the authority. If that works for you - great! If not, be honest with yourself and find something/someone who will work for you). And if the therapist doesn't want to answer, or doesn't give a clear answer, or doesn't think you're in charge - don't come back. So, what are you waiting for? You can always try it out and if you don't like it, you don't have to come back! It's not like a gym membership where you sign up for a month or a year. You can totally 'pay as you go'. And at The Manual of You you even start with a heavily discounted taster session, so what's there to lose? Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed this article. If you did, or didn't, or want to add something or have a question, feel free to comment below (but try and be kind about it - I'm a terribly sensitive soul). Don't forget that this is just my opinion. You don't have to agree. These pieces of writing are just here to make you think and take from it what you like and find helpful and ignore the rest. At the end of the day, it's your life and, therefore, what you consume, what you believe, and what you think and feel is your choice. Also, this article has been brought to you by a perfectly imperfect, flawsome dyslexic. I hope any potential spelling or grammar mistakes didn't take away from your enjoyment. 
I made the classic mistake while growing up, of thinking that everyone thought and felt the same way as me. This caused much confusion and problems for me. Not only because I made wrongful presumptions about other people which led to many misunderstandings and breakdowns in various platonic and romantic relationships but it also meant I felt continuously hurt and puzzled as I, again, presumed I understood a person's motivation behind a behaviour but I didn't understand the behaviour. As someone who valued kindness and being very considerate, I presumed everyone else felt and thought the same way, so when they went out of their way to hurt me, I struggled to understand why. Part of studying psychology is to learn the many ways humans think and behave and when adding counselling/psychotherapy training to the mix, you learn to never presume you understand someone else's reality and that it's important to ask questions to try and gain some understanding of the other person's worldview - you should never assume as it makes an 'ass out of u and me' (as the saying goes)... Well, except to presume that you'll never master knowing someone else's reality regardless of how long you've worked (or lived) together. As a self-proclaimed 'word nerd' and story collector, I also learned, not just the power of words (you can read more about that specifically here but, generally, my daily blogs are about challenging our understanding of words and narratives), but that even words, despite their dictionary definitions, mean different things to different people. Indeed, one question I ask the people I work with is 'what is your concept of self-esteem, self-worth and confidence' and people have very varied and differentiating replies. Another thing I often do with the people I work with is to look at their values (principles or standards that people hold highly - value, such as needs and personality traits). And when people have identified their top values, I always ask them to tell me how they define each value word - it's seldom the same way as I do. So, that leads me to the word 'trust' and how, despite knowing all of the above for many years, I still made a wrongful presumption about another person's understanding of this important word.  'Trust' is a word often used in my world. We, practitioners, value trust very highly and we tend to go as far as to promise trust to the people we work with. Trust is considered essential to do therapeutic work. You have to be able to trust your therapist to be able to fully open up and do the work needed to change and heal. But even if I was to hand out the definition as written above to the people I work with to try and ensure we're coming from the same place in terms of understanding trust, each additional word in that definition has to be defined by each individual as well. 'A firm belief in the reliability, truth or ability of someone or something'. But what does reliability mean to you and does it mean the same to me? What about truth? Or ability? Though it's encouraged within the methods I've trained in, to be honest, transparent and congruent with the people we work with, raw and blunt truths are not encouraged. If I'm working with someone who's making decisions that aren't aligned with what I'd consider healthy or helpful choices, me being honest about that wouldn't serve a purpose. Therapy isn't about my opinion, first of all. Why not, you might ask - ain't I the 'mental health' expert? Aren't you paying me for my advice? Yes and no (or as Australians would say 'yeah nah'). I know a lot about mental health and the workings of the mind but I can never be an expert on your reality or the sense you're making of your mental health (we're back to the point of not making presumptions) and secondly, my advice might harm you. My advice would be based on what works for me, who I am, who I choose to be and the resources, knowledge and support available to me. Counter-productive as this may sound (especially from a marketing perspective), you're paying me to not give you advice. You're paying me to ask questions to help you to figure out the right decision for you by yourself, based on your reality, your needs, your unique life experiences and your knowledge, resources and support available at that given moment. So, my truth is not relevant, no matter how keen you might think you are to know my thoughts. This leads me to point number two - there is no such thing as a universal truth, so how can we talk about a belief in someone's truth? Some people are diehard believers in an afterlife, while others will throw everything at you to prove you wrong based on their truth. You might think it's a universal truth that self-harming is bad but what if self-harming for someone is the thing that keeps them from killing themselves? What would happen if they listened to your truth and the emotional overwhelm without the coping mechanism of self-harming became so great that they ended things instead? My truth is not a fact. Furthermore, most people's truth is based on faulty presumptions and some form of unresolved childhood trauma, or at the very least, drama that's projected onto others. Personally, I'm very fearful of anyone claiming truths. Let's look at 'ability' now - trust is a belief in someone's ability. To be honest, this scares the pants off me as a therapist. You see, I have clients who believe I know everything and that I'm flawless and perfect. Or, at the very least, want me to be. And I'm not! I'm just an imperfect, flawed human. And I sit with limited knowledge. The only thing I like to say with certainty is that I know I know nothing at all (right now I don't even know who I'm quoting but it's one of the big philosophers, or at least, he's credited with having said something like that). So, what one person expects of my abilities might not be what is - at all - within my powers. So, when we practitioners tell our clients that trust is at the core of what we do. That they should trust us... What are we really asking? And is that clear to the people we work with? When I talk about being able to trust me as a practitioner, I mean that you can trust that I won't intentionally harm the person I'm working with. Trust that I will do my very best while working with them. Trust I won't break the conditions set out in the contract, like confidentiality. Trust that I will have their best interest at heart. Trust that I will hold them with positive regard and not try to manipulate them. But what the word doesn't mean is that they can trust that I won't make any mistakes whatsoever. They can't trust that I won't do something they view as wrong (I wish I could promise I wouldn't but, as already stated, I am just a flawed, imperfect human being, just like everyone else and it's more my job to role model that it's ok to be imperfect that to be a flawless professional). They can't trust that I will have all the answers and know everything there is to know about psychology and therapy in the whole wide world and, perhaps most importantly, they cannot trust that I can read their minds and respond as they hope in their hearts. Not least because trust goes both ways. Now, that's the thing that's not talked about as often in therapy. I cannot do my job, or at least not very well if the person I'm working with isn't trustworthy too. If they lie, withhold information or hope that I can read their minds and react based on that the relationship and therapeutic outcome are likely to fail. If they are searching high and low for ways to prove that I do not have their best interest at heart, I can't trust them to want to be in partnership with me and the way I work (not all therapists work like this) is to try and create a relationship of equals in the therapeutic space. If a person believes that I can memorise every single word shared, I'll fail based on their misplaced trust in my memory abilities but nor can I trust their sense of what's realistic from our working relationship. If they get mad at me and don't voice it, I can't trust their honesty either. Now, everything stated above is quite normal ways for people to behave in the therapeutic space if they are traumatised and I don't blame a single person for thinking or behaving in that way and this is one of the causes there might be a breakdown in the therapeutic relationship. Most therapists (I'd love to say all therapists but then I'll go on and presume again), will be very forgiven of a client's inability to be trustful in therapy, but again, not if they don't know there's an issue, to begin with, because no matter how masterful a therapist is, they cannot read minds (common misconception. We can't magically heal anyone either... People might be mistaking us for Jesus... or Darren Brown...). Another thing therapists are quite famous for, however, is their ability to not get angry, vengeful or otherwise display hostile emotions towards a client who admits to having been dishonest, or to a client who opens up about their grievances about the therapist. In fact, it's an incredibly helpful tool to work through personal issues when using what has happened - good or bad - between a therapist and their client. The therapeutic relationship often plays out and thus represents the ways a client is with others as well as their underlying attachment styles and struggles in relationships. But again, this form of honest therapy can only be achieved if both parties show up in the relationship to work on it. If a client chooses to run away and point a finger from the distance, it's hard for the therapist to keep themselves safe in what is no longer a trusting relationship for both therapist and client. So, the thing about trust is that it's a complicated concept, let alone a complicated word that might mean different things to different people. Therapists are incredibly sketchy when it comes to making promises. But, I can promise you one thing: The last thing I want in this world, and something I strive passionately and determinedly towards, is to not add to anyone's trauma as a practitioner. That doesn't mean I don't sometimes fail... And each time I'm aware of having made a mistake, my heart breaks, so I promise you, I do not take my job or my clients' wellbeing lightly. You can trust that. But what about you? What does the word trust mean to you? If you were to add an entry to the Manual of You about trust, what might you add? What have you experienced in terms of broken or gained trust? About trust in others as well as towards yourself? Because, the thing is, what we fear about others is often a projection of what we don't like that we're doing to ourselves and what we dislike about others is often a representation of something we don't like about ourselves. So, when we live a life low on trust, it's often a sign that we don't trust ourselves either. Maybe we don't trust ourselves to be kind towards ourselves or have our best interest at heart in our decisions but instead of working on our trust issues towards ourselves we project the problem onto others and make them the problem. And when we're low on trust towards others or society, we're often the people not trustworthy because we're showing up with cynicism, and scepticism and creating barriers instead of connection as we're not operating from a place of love, kindness and compassion but distrust. Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed this article. If you did, or didn't, or want to add something or have a question, feel free to comment below (but try and be kind about it - I'm a terribly sensitive soul).
Don't forget that this is just my opinion. You don't have to agree. These pieces of writing are just here to make you think and take from it what you like and find helpful and ignore the rest. At the end of the day, it's your life and, therefore, what you consume, what you believe, and what you think and feel is your choice. Also, this article has been brought to you by a perfectly imperfect, flawsome dyslexic. I hope any potential spelling or grammar mistakes didn't take away from your enjoyment.  "Our adversaries are not demons, witches, fate, or mental illness. We have no enemy whom we can fight, exorcise, or dispel by "cure." What we do have are problems in living — whether these be biologic, economic, political, or sociopsychological." Thomas Szasz  Hello, Beautiful Thinkers...First and foremost, there's the problem with the words 'mental health'. Usually, when someone talks about 'mental health' or seeking help for their 'mental health' we automatically presume mental health to mean something negative. Mental health are just two words put together and without a supporting adjective, like 'bad' or 'good' or without a noun like 'problem' or 'strength' those two words don't really mean anything. We don't do the same when it comes to physical health. We don't just presume that someone who mentions physical health is refering to something negative. Indeed, we might presume, they're talking about something positive like 'peak physical health'. But even if someoen is talking about wanting to improve their poor physical health we tend to applaud and encourage and still making it a positive thing, despite the problem indicated. So, why this different attitude to mental health? Secondly, the problem with dividing mental and physical health up as if they are two seperate things, as we have in the Westernised world (other, holistic cultures, are not this silly!) is that we start thinking of them as two separate concepts and they are not. You just have the one body and in that one body, your one brain controls. If you're getting a brain scan (MRI) and you experience physical pain, like getting pinched, the pain region of your brain will light up. But if you look at the picture of someone who broke your heart, the same (pain) region will light up. Much like if you're suffering from drug withdrawl, the same part of your brain will light up as when you're going through a bad break-up. According to your brain, pain is pain - it doesn't care and can't tell the difference between physical and mental pain, and therefore, nor should you. Thomas Szasz, whose been quoted above, says there is no 'mental illness' just 'problems in living'. That's to say, you're not 'sick' because you're struggling. Johann Hari calls anxiety and depression 'normal reactions to abnormal circumstances'. Both are saying that if life offers you problems and you have a reaction to these problems, you're not sick - you're normal. If someone got a bee sting and their body reacted to this invasive problem, people don't tend to look at themselves as sick, broken or crazy, they tend to think that their bodies are having a normal reaction to the abnormal circumstance of being stung by a bee. So, if you've experieced unpleasant or horrible things growing up, if you find yourself suddenly in the midst of a war, if you experience a significant loss, if you feel lonely and isolated, if you get bullied at work, or is asked to work harder than what's realistic and healthy, or if you have an unkind friend, partner or parent, or if your child is going through a rubbish time at school, or if the world suddenly comes to standstil due to an unknown virus, or you lose your job and your mortgage is at risk and your mental health suffers as a consequence - you're not ill. You're having a sane reaction to insane circumstances. Dr Bruce D. Perry encourages the world of psychology and psychiatry to ask 'what happened to you?' instead of 'what's wrong with you?'. Because there isn't anyting wong in that sense. Something happened to you and it's much more beneficial to figure that out than to pretend that there's a medical and biological reason for your suffering. No one with a happy childhood and with a good, healthy adult life suddenly finds themselves with mental health problems. However, anyone with a happy childhood and good and healthy adult life can suddenly become mentally unwell if a problem in living occurs, like a divorce, redundantcy, berevment, a global lockdown, illness, bullying, unrealistic demands, geopolitical war or a million other problems that happen to people every day, across the globe. OK, so you will call yourself 'sick' or 'ill' if you catch the cold or a flu, right? And nothing wrong with that. But you didn't create it or cause it. It wasn't because of some sort of personal flaw that you picked up this virus going around, and you might find it really annoying, but we don't tend to criticise ourselves for having caught someone else's bug. We don't see a cold or flue, or similar, as something to take away from our worth or humanness - we don't tend to think less of ourselves because we're physically sick. But we do do that with 'mental illness'. We think it's our fault, we think we ought to be stronger or better. We harshly criticise ourselves for feeling the way that we do. Yet, all we've done is catch some societal decease, like the one spread by social media about how a woman ought to look and what size she ought to have, or the very deadly societal decease that's roamed for decades of men needing to 'man up', that 'boys don't cry' and that showing emotions is a weakness. This horrible, societal virus causes a staggering amount of suicides among men. So, when our minds get 'sick', it's actually a normal reaction to an abnormal situation - like, getting really anxious before going to work because you're being bullied there. Your anxiety is a normal and a healthy reaction to an abnormal, unhealthy and unacceptable work situation. Or, if you feel depressed and don't want to leave your bed, could it be because you're feeling dissatisfied with life, because you're in the wrong career, or your job is endlessly boring, because your life feels meaningless, because your relationship is on the rocks, because you feel lonely, because you've fallen out with a family member or because you think you're without worth in this world? Heck, anyone would feel depressed facing any on of those things, let alone if facing multiple! Health is health. If you have poor physical health it'll eventually impact your emotional wellbeing and you might feel increasingly angry or irritated or sad but, likewise, if you're feeling emotionally burnt out, you might encoutner physical problems like stomach aches, joint pains or headahces. The body is one and the brain is the Master Controller. If we only focus on our fitness and body, and give our minds no nutrition, we'll still get sick. And if we become wise scholars that never move or eat anything healthy, we'll also get sick. We need to treat our health as one and respect all aspects of it. Your mind needs exercise - this includes being creative, laughing, feeling connected to others, being kind to yourself, giving back to others, as well as learning new things, feeling stimulated (not bored), getting rest, seeing sun light, trying new things, being allowed to feel and show those feelings outwardly, like crying, sulking, giggling, being angry, disappointed and sad, without being punished. Much in the same way that your physical body needs exercise, nutrition, TLC, to go to the toilet, to not get over-worked, to be taken care of when hurt or broken. We know that pushing our physical bodies can do us harm - the same goes for pushing our minds too hard by overworking, living by perfectionistic standards, by critisising ourselves all the time or punish ourselves for mistakes. We all know that we need to eat every day, and get fluids and when we need to go to the loo we try and achieve that as soon as possible. We don't ever say "I'll just go to the toilet next week when I have more time." or "I'll have something to drink next weekend. I'm too busy just now." Nor, do we tend to tell ourselves to 'put your big girl/boy pants on and stop whining' when our stomachs growl with hunger, or say 'I'm so weak' because we need to pee. And yet, that's exactly what we do when it comes to our mind's well-being. We don't always feed it daily, we don't often prioritise it and its needs and we often look at its needs as weaknesses or personal flaws. Our minds, our emotional well-being, our mental health if you prefer, gets treated like a side project, like an unimportant and uninteresting hobby. It gets spoken about as being 'indulgent' - like, if we take a self-care day, or if we call in sick with a mental health day. Yet, we brag if we sign up for the gym and get a personal trainer. We Instagram our healthy lunch. We may even discuss our bowel movement with a loved one (in case you're making a face right now, research has indicated that couples who talk about their toilet habits are happier together). We invite colleagues with us to lunch, or for after work drinks but when was the last time you invited someone along for an 'all you can handle' crying session? When was the last time you Instagram'ed your face full of tears or anger? When did you last proudly proclaim to the world that you've signed up for counselling? We talk freely about all the weight we want to lose, where we got our hair done and which clothes we've bought for our holiday, but where is the same openness when we want to talk about the emotional weight we want to lose, when we had our last mental health check-up and which self-help books we've bought lately because we're struggling? Your mind's health is super important! It shouldn't be treated like a side project or something to deal with once you're retired, or indeed be entirely ignored. It should not be hidden and shamed. You just have your one health - and your green smoothie is as important as your mood. Your thoughts and feelings about yourself and your future is more important than any spray tan or tattoo. Being honest about who you are and what you're dealing with should be the norm on social media, not a filter over your holiday pictures. Having deep and meaningful conversations should be a priority over 'happy hour', and finding real friends should be more important than your social media following. Health s health. Without one (physical) you don't have the other (mental). They're one and the same. Lack of sleep will hurt your body and your mind - because they're one. Lack of food or too much of the wrong kind of food will hurt you body and your mind - because they're one. Of course, you're free to call your needs and your ideas about yourself whatever you like - even when in a room with me - and if it's a bit easier to make it clear what you're talking about by referring to your emotional well-being as mental health, you go right ahead. All I wanted to say is that the way we talk about 'mental health' with a presumption it's something negative and the presumption that it's seperate from our physical health is a bit of a misconception. There's just one health and it needs tender love and care. Now, another reasons we got the wrong end of the stick when it comes to being mentally fit or mentally unwell has to do with not understanding our design as humans. A lot of what we consider to be wrong with us, like 'people pleasing' or our fear of rejection, or our rumination (replaying bad events over and over in our heads), or how negative we are and how hard we find it to be more positive, or how we compare ourselves to others makes a lot of sense if you look at it through an evolutionary lens. If your interst is peak, why not have a look at this article about just exatly that: You're Saner Than You Think. Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed this article. If you did, or didn't, or want to add something or have a question, feel free to comment below (but try and be kind about it - I'm a terribly sensitive soul).
Don't forget that this is just my opinion. You don't have to agree. These pieces of writing are just here to make you think and take from it what you like and find helpful and ignore the rest. At the end of the day, it's your life and, therefore, what you consume, what you believe, and what you think and feel is your choice. Also, this article has been brought to you by a perfectly imperfect, flawsome dyslexic. I hope any potential spelling or grammar mistakes didn't take away from your enjoyment. What's the Difference Between a Counsellor, Psychotherapist, Coach, Psychologist and Psychiatrist?30/11/2022
Figuring out all the different names for services that are quite similar can be a confusing mess. Here, I've tried to explain, as simply as possible, the varoius different terms and approaches for common mental health support practitioners. Counsellor "Counselling falls under the umbrella term ‘talking therapies’ and allows people to discuss their problems and any difficult feelings they encounter in a safe, confidential environment. The term can mean different things to different people, but in general it is a process people seek when they want to change something in their lives or simply explore their thoughts and feelings in more depth. A counsellor is not there to sit you down and tell you what to do - instead they will encourage you to talk about what's bothering you in order to uncover any root causes and identify your specific ways of thinking. The counsellor may then look to create a plan of action to either help you reconcile your issues or help you to find ways of coping. Counselling does not come in a cookie-cutter format and each session is generally tailored to the individual. There is flexibility within this type of therapy that allows for a variety of counselling methods." (Source: Counselling Directory) There are over 450 recognised counselling methods in the world which can, quite frankly, make the process of finding a therapist a bit daunting and confusing. One of the more common methods are called Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) which is a wonderful framework but it tends to ignore issues from the past as well as bigger problems in society that might impact a person's mental health, such as racism or sexism, as CBT's focus is on creating better thoughts for yourself to promote more helpful feelings and actions. I've trained in a number of methods such as CBT, narrative therapy (and coaching), transactional analysis (TA), existentialism, positive psychology, solutions-focused therapy as well as using psychology in my session, such as offering insights into the science of our brains and the impact of evolutionary psychology. Psychotherapist Psychotherapy in the UK is the same as counselling, at this moment in time, and neither are protected titles. This is different in different countries. In The United States there are very strict definitions and requirements to be able to use these titles. In Denmark, the word 'counsellor' doesn't exist and the title 'psyhotherapist' is unprotected, so you don't have to have any training to set up a private practice as a psychotherapist. In Denmark, psychotherapists are also trained at private organisations that have no links to the Danish educational system, whereas my counselling and psychotherapy training happened at a recognised Scottish university and earned me a degree qualification. Some people prefer to call themselves 'psychotherapists' to illustrate that they have a very lengthy degree in a very specific area, often within 'psycho-analysis' or 'psycho-dynamic analysis' or 'transactional analysis'. A criticism of counselling and psychotherapy can be that it's a whole lot of navel gazing and going round and round in your emotions and focussing on the past and it can leave you feeling exhausted, helpless and wonder 'but how do I move forward'? or 'I've gained all this personal insight but what do I do with it now'? This is where coaching can be really helpful or if you find yourself a counsellor or psychotherapist with a more proactive and solution focussed approach. Above information is correct to my knowledge as of 2022. Life Coach No training is needed to call yourself a 'life coach' and those who have done training or gained a diploma or certificate can do so from so many different places and sources, it's hard to say if their qualifications are particularly good or not. Coaching still offer you a private and (ideally) confidential space to talk about your problems and obstacles in life. However, generally speaking, coaches are more focussed on 'goals' and 'outcomes' and you're looking ahead, planning, creating new habits or breaking old ones and focussing on the future, whereas counselling, traditionally, focus more on the past and on feelings above actions. Coaching is therefore considered more action-based and dynamic than counselling and can have a more proactive approach to it. Life coaches are not suppose to offer advice, but some might still. You might think that sounds really appealing but there are many dangers in giving advice, something I'll write about soon (so keep an eye out). Or, you can read my free e-book about the problem of being a 'rescuer' here. Psychologist In Denmark 'psychologist' is a protected title (unlike in the UK, where only specific areas of psychology are protected, like 'clinical psychologist' and 'educational psychologist'). In Denmark a BSc (bachelors) and a MSc (Masters/kandidat) in psychology, automatically, earns you the title 'psychologist' if you've taken your degree at a Danish university. You can then go on to prove your experience and knowledge and become an 'accredited' or 'authorised' psychologist. Not all psychologists will have extensive training in the art of 1 to 1 talk therapy but might still set up a private practice. A psychologists degree will be far more extensive than a psychotherapists and in Denmark, psychologists are trained in offering diagnoses, such as Bipolar Disorder or ADHD. A psychotherapist should never diagnose you, though they might talk about symptoms relating to a diagnosis (like depression or anxiety) and suggest further investigation through the proper channels. A psychologist can, therefore, work in many areas, including HR. Psychiatrist A psychiatrist is a medically trained doctor who's done extra training within the field of mental health problems. They can also offer diagnoses as well as medicine. They are often big believers in the biological/medical model of mental health problems which is a hotly debated topic across the world. I'm currently working on a piece about that which will be published soon. My All-Round Approach At The Manual of You(TM) I offer an all-round approach (well, nearly). I believe it's really important to understand our past and how it's shaped us to be able to truly break those patterns (that's the counselling/psychotherapy bit), but I've, likewise, seen the damage of people who've attended counselling for years and feel stuck and confused because they keep just muddling around in their unhelpful feelings and though they've gained lots of insights into their feelings, they don't know how to move forward or create a better life for themselves, and that's where coaching comes in. I believe it's very important to have an eye on the goal you want to achieve and actively work towards a better future. However, we can get ourselves stuck by not understanding basic, underlying principles like how our brains work or how they were designed, so I infuse all my sessions with psychology and psycho-educational means (a fancy word for 'information'). I do not, however, offer diagnoses. Nor am I part of the Danish health system, and as mentioned on other places on this website, I am not allowed to use the title 'psychologist' in Denmark, as my degrees are from Scotland, despite having a BSc and MSc in Psychology (even paid for by the Danish state), so I offer therapeutic psychology coaching and call myself a psychotherapist and psychology coach. If you'd like to know more about me, you can read the About Me section. If you have more questions about what I offer or about the world of therapy, you might find your answers under Articles or my Frequently Asked Questions section. If you'd like to see what else I have on offer, check out the Offers section. And if you'd like to get in touch to set up a cheap taster session, please get in touch via the form here. Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed this article. If you did, or didn't, or want to add something or have a question, feel free to comment below (but try and be kind about it - I'm a terribly sensitive soul).
Don't forget that this is just my opinion. You don't have to agree. These pieces of writing are just here to make you think and take from it what you like and find helpful and ignore the rest. At the end of the day, it's your life and, therefore, what you consume, what you believe, and what you think and feel is your choice. Also, this article has been brought to you by a perfectly imperfect, flawsome dyslexic. I hope any potential spelling or grammar mistakes didn't take away from your enjoyment. |
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