It seems everyone is stressed or overwhelmed at the moment - and no wonder! We've had to face Covid-19, the war in Ukraine and increased living costs, as well as lots of political unrest globally, not to mention climate change worries. But, the brain is actully surprisingly good at ignoring information that isn't in our faces, like the climate change and the Ukrainian war on a daily basis. What the brain occopies itself with instead are the daily stressers of modern day life - work demands, relationship conflicts and the demands of raising children and to live in a world that's not designed for us or to help us thrive. We live in societies far more noisy, busy, taxing and detached than ever before and does not aligned with our evolutinary design. Adding to that we've become globally connected, meaning we know everything that's wrong with everywhere due to media's focus on click bait news, feeding our inbuilt negativety bias, while drowning in fake, toxic and shaming social media, distorting our sense of reality and leading to negative comparision, often finding ourselves falling short. No wonder we're feeling stressed and overwhelmed! The bad news - there is no quick cure or fix. I know that's really annoying but the reasons we're looking for quick fixes is the same reason that we got into the stress and overwhelm mess to begin with. We've become so disconnected from our bodies and from living in the moment, pausing to appreciate the here-and-now, instead worrying about the future and things we cannot control (you can read more about that in the article Anxiety & Depression). Capitalism is designed to make you feel unhappy - because the more unhappy you are the more money you'll spend on feeling good, whether that's on doing up your home, on holidays, buying more clothes (you don't technically need) or a new car, on food, or going to the gym to get that 'perfect' body, Capitalism have sold you as the desired goal, or on alcohol or drugs, or, indeed, on therapy! Capitalism is behind the comparison and perfectionism culture and it thrives on you continuing to stay disconnected from yourself and from forming true and deep connections with others. Just like Capitalism have you fed you a lie that life should be a productivity race and that you're running out of time on living your best life, thus seeking quick fixes, such as buying the latest self-help book or overpriced motivational workshop by some charismatic coach, and it'll make you feel motivated and inspired... for a small amount of time before things go back to the way it was before and you blame yourself for not being able to change or not deserving a better life, and so the cycle continues of feeding the Capitalist machine with your unhappiness by spending money, seeking greater fulfillment and joy in life. The good news... This is absolutely fixable! But only by going against the brainwashing of quick fixes and learning once again to connect deeply with your body and thoughts in a healthy and helpful way. To learn to notice what you have now and lean into the gratitude of this. To slowly but surely build youself up in a realistic way. Much like you can't go from couch potato to professional bodybuilder via a quick solution. It's about long-term, sustainable changes, commitment and determination. Much like the good guys in the weight loss industry tell you it's not about following a fad diet but about creating a lifestyle that works for you - the same goes for the mind. So, you might be disappointed to find that this article won't offer you a solution for your stress and overwhelm. Instead, my desire is to normalise feeling stressed and overwhelmed and invite you to think about how serious you are about addressing it - how committed are you at making a change? Ideally, we'd change the environment you live in that's causing you to feel this way but it is a lot easier (that's not to say that it is easy) to work with changing what you're in control of which is your thinking, emotions, attitudes, reactions and beliefs. So, it's not about changing 'you' because you're not ok the way that you are now but rather to change how you think and feel about being stressed and/or overwhelmed. Often it's our belief system that creates the biggest problems for us moving forward. As the founder of person-centered therapy, Carl Rogers, said: "the curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change." So, it's really not about changing you but changing how accepting you are around the way that you are. If you'd like to explore this topic further, feel free to get in touch for a free, 20-minute, Zoom chat to talk about whether I'd be a good fit for you for further sessions to work on your stress and overwhelm. Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed this article. If you did, or didn't, or want to add something or have a question, feel free to comment below (but try and be kind about it - I'm a terribly sensitive soul). Don't forget that this is just my opinion. You don't have to agree. These pieces of writing are just here to make you think and take from it what you like and find helpful and ignore the rest. At the end of the day, it's your life and, therefore, what you consume, what you believe, and what you think and feel is your choice. Also, this article has been brought to you by a perfectly imperfect, flawsome dyslexic. I hope any potential spelling or grammar mistakes didn't take away from your enjoyment.
0 Comments
If there was a quick way to describe and explain both of these terms and offer solutions and fixes, I don’t think we’d be having a global mental health crisis (as described by the media). Not only are the feelings of anxiety and depression very complicated but the words themselves have a lot of problematic issues. So, rest assured, this article will not do either words or the topic justice! Anxiety is the medicalised term for worrying. Worrying is normal and healthy – we’re actually designed to worry a lot and have a whole dedicated part of our brains for this. However, sometimes worrying becomes so overwhelming and takes over our day-to-day life and that’s when it gets labelled with a medical term like anxiety. However, this term has made its way into daily language and it's no longer used in a strictly medical term or to describe a mental health disorder. Now, we’re a ‘bit anxious’ when we have to do a presentation at school, or anxious about our upcoming date or anxious about, well most things that worry us a bit or cause us to have a healthy, or at least, natural amount of fear. Because anxiety is a fear response. It’s a reaction to a fear stimulus. I guess, you’d refer to it as fear if something bad is about to happen or is happening, whereas anxiety tends to refer to the prospect that something bad might happen. It’s an imagined fear. But a fear, nevertheless, and it’s triggered by things that can harm our successful survival. Once upon a time that might be an animal attack whereas nowadays it’s more likely to be the fear of social rejection or ridicule. We used to fear our children dying of hunger and disease, now, it’s more normal to be fearful that our children don’t get into the right university. That’s not, in any way, to trivialise worrying, fears or anxiety. It’s merely to say that our focus has shifted. Often, there is nothing to fear but we do so anyway as a learned coping mechanism because we grew up in unsafe homes around unsafe caregivers and our brains have become programmed towards and highly sensitive to fear stimuli. Anxiety is a bitch. No doubt about it! It robs you of your time and peace of mind and it can make everyday life a trembling, horrible, isolating, soul-crushing, heart-racing, dizzying experience. I’ve often pondered if depression is worse than anxiety. I’ve no answer to this yet and I doubt I’ll ever be able to give a defining answer that will satisfy all. The reason I ponder that is that depression is also horrible, isolating and soul-crushing but it’s also very dark – like quicksand made of tar, pulling you down into something with no solid edges and no visibility, and it robs you of time as well and your peace of mind but on top of that it robs you for your very sense of self, of your personality and of hope. You feel helpless and that’s a terrifying feeling. A feeling of lacking control and certainty which we humans crave. This, anxiety does too! Again, the word depression is a medicalised term. Everyone will deal with low moods and dark thoughts from time to time but it’s when it makes your daily life near impossible to live that it gets a diagnosis and, officially, the name depression. But, it’s another word that’s become minimised in its severity and has entered the daily language. Now, we’re ‘depressed’ when simply tired and in a bad mood. We’re depressed when we’ve had one bad day or an argument with someone. It’s ‘depressing’ when the weather is not to our liking or we’ve worn the wrong outfit to school. Personally, I can’t figure out if I encourage these terms, that were once reserved for those really struggling, to become daily chat as it reduces stigma when it’s a word openly used and by the majority. However, it also takes away due respect for just how depressing having a depression is or how worrisome anxiety is; how absolutely debilitating, immobilising and skin-crawling both a true depression and anxiety is and how many lives are lost every year to these terrifying states of mind. In the brilliant book Lost Connections, author and journalist Johann Hari explores some of the reasons we’re a nation of anxious and depressed people and makes a compelling argument for the loss of connection we have – without others, with nature and without ourselves – to be t he leading cause. We live in a highly toxic environment that isn’t remotely designed for how we, as humans, are designed to thrive. Capitalism is literally killing people and we all go about our days as if it’s not. Because Capitalism has also convinced us that we’re the problem and thus, we have to fix ourselves to get rid of mental ills – ideally by spending money. Buy happiness or pay for therapy – either way, as long as there’s money coming into the system, Capitalism is happy and thriving on your misery. It’s Capitalism that’s convinced you that titles matter and that it’s important to have a solid and impressive career, that working hard is a virtue, that relaxing is for the feeble, that you need money and more money so you can buy things that impress others (and ideally make them jealous too). Capitalism is the driving force behind social media and the fake, filtered life people are sharing causing mental health problems, as well as behind the life-destroying beauty magazines. It’s behind the idea that some people are better than others and more deserving, creating class systems and inequality (socially, financially, between genders and groups of people). It’s behind racism, discrimination, sexism and ableism. Your anxiety and depression is not the real disease, despite you being the one suffering under these conditions, but Capitalism and the modern world as we know it today are the real diseases. You’re, merely, its victim. And the ‘cure’ for anxiety and depression is, in some sense, infuriatingly simple: More time in nature, exercise, socialise, engage in enjoyable tasks, meditation. All of which are free. And people don’t say these things to trivialise how horrible anxiety and depression are, how hard it is to live with these conditions or to take away from the traumatising pasts some people have endured. It’s just that, as social animals, we do thrive on social connection, ‘happiness’ chemicals are released when we exercise (this includes going for a walk or dancing silly to your favourite tune, by the way, it does not necessarily mean a trip to the gym or anything overly exhausting or overwhelming) and when we’re in nature, getting fresh air, connecting with plants and trees, feel the elements on our skin, be that sun or rain or snow, we’re likewise infused by natural, happiness chemicals in our brains. It’d be great if your hobby could include something cheap like drawing, writing or singing and not, necessarily, climbing Everest or driving on a race track (unless you can afford to, of course, then go nuts!) and for most of us, luckily, the things that bring us joy tend to be fairly cheap or free and accessible but we also tend to not prioritise these things because we’re doing overtime at work and saying yes to things we don’t really want to and spending our spare time cleaning and tidying our homes, because apparently dust is far worse than a mental break down. And then there is the whole bastard ‘meditation’ and being ‘mindfulness’ concept. Such annoying buzzwords. But, they’re not only based on centuries of wisdom and proven effectiveness, neuroscience backs up what Buddhists have known for centuries – it literally changes your brain structure. Because, one of the reasons that depression and anxiety thrive is our inability to be in the moment. We’re either obsessing about the past or we’re worried about the future and we’re making ourselves nuts by playing out scenarios that haven’t happened or replaying negative ones that have. Via talk therapy, you’ll gain insight into the root of your problems. You’ll increase your awareness of your struggles. You’ll be in a safe space where you’ll feel heard and understood and validated. You’ll be given tools and strategies to cope with your problems and, depending on the therapist, you might start putting together a proactive plan for the future you want. There’s a whole lot of restructuring needed to change how you think, feel and behave. You’re going to have to create new habits and undo old ones. It’s a lot of work, dedication and effort and whether it’s worth it or not, is an individual decision. There are no guarantees or promised results and there is no realistic or known timeframe to offer people wanting to work on these issues before they’ll see improvements. There is only one question: Would you rather carry on as you are right now or try to change? Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed this article. If you did, or didn't, or want to add something or have a question, feel free to comment below (but try and be kind about it - I'm a terribly sensitive soul). Don't forget that this is just my opinion. You don't have to agree. These pieces of writing are just here to make you think and take from it what you like and find helpful and ignore the rest. At the end of the day, it's your life and, therefore, what you consume, what you believe, and what you think and feel is your choice. Also, this article has been brought to you by a perfectly imperfect, flawsome dyslexic. I hope any potential spelling or grammar mistakes didn't take away from your enjoyment.
I'm yet to meet someone with good self-esteem and no inner critic which is a sad statement to make (to be fair, they probably exist but I just don't come across them... After all, they sound like quite boring people if they have no darkness, right?) but, nevertheless, the truly sad thing is that none of us are born with low self-esteem or with an inner critic. I often say - tongue-in-cheek - that we're all born raging narcissists. For when we're born, we have no problem expressing our needs quite vocally (food, change of diaper, sleep, cuddles, pain) and we are, literally, inable to see or understand the world from anyone else's point of view for quite some time. But what, heartbreakingly, happens over time is that our environment (our parents, peers, siblings, society, cultural norms, etc) makes us think we're not good enough just the way we are, that we should behave in a certain way to gain attention and love, look a certain way to adhere to societal standards, that our worth is measured in our external outputs rather than our personality and inner strengths and we're criticised and rejected in so many ways and places that slowly but surely, we learn to silence our needs because they are either not met or they're not found to be acceptable. We learn that our worth is tied up in whether we tidy our rooms, finish or dinner, look pretty, show that we're smart or 'behave well' because that's, usually, when we're told that we're 'good girls' or 'good boys'. Much like the school systems takes everything that's creative and uniquely us out of us and mould us into these conformist robots, who learn to supress their needs for movement, laughing loudly, fidigting, eating when we want or use the toilet when we want and express ourselves creatively. We learn that our worth is tied up in sitting still, being quiet, answering questions (over that of critical thinking), memorising facts and getting good grades. We're harhly marked down for our mistakes and laughed at by the other children if we mess up. Mistakes become something to fear, something that turns from being a mistake to us being the mistake. We learn to personalise failures, thinking it has something to do with our characters instead of simply something to do with a situation and outcome. And some are unlucky enough to have neglectful and harmful parents and/or experience years of bullying. Eventually, we all develop some form of perfectionism, comparing ourselves to others and finding ourselves falling short, feeling like imposters because we're hiding our true self and feelings to fit in, becoming people pleasures to some degree to minimise the sting of rejection and we develop this coping mechanism of criticising ourselves first before anyone else can manage to somehow soften the blow of other people's hurtful words. All of these are acts of disrecept, unacceptance, rejection and unkindnesses towards ourselves and we cannot develop a healthy sense of worth, when we feel ashamed of how we are and who we are. Moreover, the more judemental we are towards ourselves the more judgemental we become towards others and whatever we dislike the most about ourselves we start to pick on on others, meaning we create distance instead of closeness with those around us - again, as a form of protective mechanism - but while craving deeper connections and thus feeling worse until it's all become one vicious circle you're going round and round in. There is no quick fixes for this. When you've walked into the woods for 100 miles, you cannot expect to be able to make your way out again in 5 minutes. The same goes for your inner work. When you've been unkind and disrespectful towards yourself for decades, you won't be able to change that mindset overnight or via a couple of therapy sessions. Nor can you talk your way out of it. No amount of talking and processing your feelings can make you feel better about yourself. That's kind of like trying to lose weight while sitting on the sofa, eating cakes and watching arobic videos. You have to take action. But, talking about your feelings is a very helpful process in terms of developing a greater awareness around your patterns and triggers. And awareness leads to being able to take the right kind of action to 're-wire' your brain towards better and kinder habits. Much like learning about nutrition and safe exercises are important parts to become aware of before you start a new exercise routine. Some people advocate positive affirmation to get yourself to like yourself again, others suggest loving-kindness meditation, or learning about self-compassion and self-acceptance and there are many other ways to think about liking yourself and I do recommend trying all sorts of methods but what I've found is that it's a lot easier to take action than to try and think yourself well. Much like you wouldn't try to think yourself out of a cold, you'd be more likely to take action in form of keeping warm, eating well, taking pills. Trying to convince yourself that you like yourself if you don't, via powerful thinking, is really hard. Try instead to make decisions and act in a way that's respectful and kind towards youself even if you think you don't deserve it. Eventually, a new, kinder habit will form and it'll become a more natural and normal thing for your brain to do than the previous disrespectful and unkind decisions you'd been making before. Some advertise telling your inner critic (that voice that tells you that you're not good enough or that you're a fuck-up, or that you're an emberrrassment or unlovable) to shut up and fuck off. I don't. For me that's fighting hate with hate. You're just fueling your brain with even more disrespect and unkindness. Rather, treat it like the scared child that it is. The child that's trying to protect itself from harm, from ridicule, from rejection. Talk to it tenderly and with understanding like you would an actual child who came to you and shared they had unkind or even hateful thoughts about themselves. Talk to it with understanding as to why it's there. Again, that is an act of kindness and you're fighting the critical voice with kind and respectful action, by using a compassionate voice in return. Now, much like with growing muscles or becoming fit, you can't just do this once in a while if you want to see long-lasting results. You have to practice this sort of respectful and kind decision making and compassionate self-talk every single day and for the rest of your life. Just like running one marathon once means you'll be physical fit for life, becoming mentally fit and healthy won't last either if you only make the effort once for the rest of your life. There's also the art of learning what your inner critic is actually trying to tell you. It might use simple language like 'I'm stupid' or 'I'm useless' or 'I'm unlikeable' or 'I'm a fuck-up' but it might actually be saying 'I'm scared of being dumped by my partner because I was rejected as a child and that still hurts'. Or, 'I haven't had enough or good quality sleep for a few days and it's impacting my ability to think clearly and kindly'. Or, 'I used to be belittled for not knowing enough, so now I worry about being seen as stupid'. Or, 'I haven't connected enough with others or been out in nature for a long time and it's impacting my mental health.' Or, 'I'm not living a good life. I'm stuck - I don't like my job/relationship/living situation, but I feel able to make changes'. It's also a helpful technique to not over-identity with the inner critic and this might sound a bit useless in its simplicity but try to change 'I' statements to 'I notice that my inner critic is saying...'. So, for example, instead of thinking 'I'm stupid', try to change that statement to 'I notice that my inner critic is calling me stupid'. You might also want to give the inner critic a name (there was a certain period of my time in private practice where many people called it 'Donald' or 'Trump' but you might also name it after the key person who made you feel not good enough as a child, or give it a name of someone you don't like, or of a creature (The Darkness or even just The Critic), so you could say, for example, 'I'm noticing that The Critic is telling me I'm a fuck-up because my partner isn't happy.' And then go on to ask, what is The Critic trying to really communicate, such as 'I'm so used to being criticised and rejected, I'm just assuming that my partner's unhappiness is about me, instead of actually paying attention to what they're saying. My assumptions and taking things personal is preventing me to fully hear and understand them.' Bearing in mind that, unfortunately too often, our partners do talk to us in a disrespectful or unkind way because they're dealing with their own critic and are projecting their own dislike for themselves onto their loved ones. But even then we can talk to our inner critic by saying 'The Critic is taking my partner's comments personally and it's telling me it's all my fault. And though I want to agree with my critic, I'm going to make the decisions that's kind and respectful towards myself and instead of assuming I am to blame, I'll choose to believe my partner is hurting and taking it out on me. I'll also choose to hear their complaint as that there is a problem - which can be solved - rather than me being the problem and that being unfixable.' But trying to figure out where our low self-esteem or inner critic stem from, or when and how it's triggered or which of our beliefs are rooted in unhelpful coping stategies that once served us but no longer do and to notice when we're making unkind assumptions about ourselves and others can be hard to do on our own. That's why professional support like talk-therapy or seeing a coach can really help us to gain perspective and learn to see things in a different light. You can book a free, 20-minute, Zoom call with me to see if we're a good fit if you'd be interested in talking more about this with me. You can book this here... Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed this article. If you did, or didn't, or want to add something or have a question, feel free to comment below (but try and be kind about it - I'm a terribly sensitive soul). Don't forget that this is just my opinion. You don't have to agree. These pieces of writing are just here to make you think and take from it what you like and find helpful and ignore the rest. At the end of the day, it's your life and, therefore, what you consume, what you believe, and what you think and feel is your choice. Also, this article has been brought to you by a perfectly imperfect, flawsome dyslexic. I hope any potential spelling or grammar mistakes didn't take away from your enjoyment.
The right to an education is considered a human right by many international conventions. While at school, we're given handbook after handbook on how to excel at reading, writing, maths, history, biology, physics and chemistry and once we leave school even more training options become available – like, learning to become a doctor, carpenter, pilot, teacher, plumber or lawyer – but what about our education in becoming a mentally strong and happy human being? Or our training in becoming a great friend, a wonderful partner, a caring citizen, a good parent, or even just how to be a nice person towards ourselves? Where's that handbook? Indeed, we equate success with material goods like money, houses, cars or external validation, or following the path of marriage and kids, or growing in status via promotions by climbing the career ladder but what about internal success? Like, how we feel when we wake up in the morning? How fair we fight with our partners? How patient and generous we are with our children? How we talk to ourselves? How we manage stress and overwhelm? How content in life we are and whether we live for each day or only for the weekend and holidays? Aren’t these important areas for success? Where is our education in understanding our feelings, thoughts and behaviours; in how to communicate in a helpful, conflict- escalating manner, or, how to create healthy, sustainable and happy relationships? Where's the handbook that tells us how to deal with our uncomfortable feelings like guilt, shame, fear, grief, anger or stress? What about our teachings on how to think about the meaning of life, our purpose on this planet and who we really are? Or, how to deal with an existential crisis or a big loss; how to move forward when stuck with crippling anxiety or intense depression? Or how to deal with the uncertainty of global viruses, wars and recessions? Or, simply, how to cope with peer pressure, exam stress and deadlines, workplace bullying, narcissistic parents or exes, surviving a divorce or break-up, or coping with parenting a child with mental health problems? In our human right to an education, where’s the focus on mental health and what it is and how to maintain it? Or how to be happier in life, decrease drama and increase satisfaction? How to build strong habits and lasting motivation? Well, yes, there are many such books and they might come under the category of philosophy (thinking about thinking and how to live well), or psychology (the study of the human mind), or sociology (how everything is socially constructed) or even just good, old self-help books (teaching you to say 'fuck it' to everything, or 'stand in your power' or give in to the law of attraction). But if you've read any of these books and you're still finding yourself looking for a psychologist, psychotherapist or coach, chances are that they didn't work. Or, perhaps, you haven't read any such book and wondering where the heck to start when it comes to figuring out who you are, where you want to go in life and how to handle all those pesky emotions (and people) who get in the way of you living a more satisfying life. I'd argue that this is because you haven't learned how to create your own manual yet. After all, all these generalist books don't take into account your unique story and life circumstances. So, for you to learn 'how to human' and how to do so well, you need to write your own manual - the manual of youTM! The Manual of YouTM is a one-stop-shop for your education in 'how to human', including 1 to 1 support, workshops and courses, group support, corporate training and free resources like the Manual of YouTM daily, microblog, podcast or e-book(s). The Manual of YouTM is not just about uncovering your unique story, understanding what makes you tick and honouring your needs and worldview, but also about expanding on this story, adding layers to your current, perhaps unhelpful, narrative, to help you rewrite your story to one that's more empowering, supportive, joyous, liberating and, more importantly, long-lasting. Question is - are you ready to do the work to create the life you want? Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed this article. If you did, or didn't, or want to add something or have a question, feel free to comment below (but try and be kind about it - I'm a terribly sensitive soul). Don't forget that this is just my opinion. You don't have to agree. These pieces of writing are just here to make you think and take from it what you like and find helpful and ignore the rest. At the end of the day, it's your life and, therefore, what you consume, what you believe, and what you think and feel is your choice. Also, this article has been brought to you by a perfectly imperfect, flawsome dyslexic. I hope any potential spelling or grammar mistakes didn't take away from your enjoyment.
A big part of what I preach and what I practice is self-acceptance and self-compassion, as well as growing our awareness around which stories belong to us and which stories belong to others. What exactly do I mean by that? We're not born a blank canvas (as once believed) but we are born a very impressionable canvas and from an early age we suck information and other people's beliefs and behaviours into our brains and let them take root because we're unequipped to ask critical questions and take an objective stance against all these worldly impressions thrown our way. We learn to suppress our needs when we're told to be quiet when eagerly and joyfully trying to explain something we find super interesting, or when we aren't picked up when we're crying, or when we’re told to stop fidgeting or we can't go to the toilet till later. We're programmed into becoming perfectionists who value our worth based on external validation due to how the school system is set up and by being told we're good boys or girls when we've cleaned our rooms or tidied our beds. Via observation, be that of our family, or friends or via television and social media, we learn what a beautiful woman and handsome man are supposed to look like and we learn that some things are cool and others aren't. Capitalism teaches us that success means a good job, a big house, a fancy car, beautiful things and amazing holidays. Depending on our culture, the society we've grown up in, the political climate and family traditions, we learn how to behave, think and feel but so often we presume that our beliefs are ours rather than something installed in us. Our beliefs become stories, narratives, of how to be a good human in this world. How to fit in, how to show up. And many of us end up feeling crappy because we can't live up to these expectations, or don't want to but also don't know how to say no or struggle to admit to ourselves that we reject the norm. As a consequence, we often see the new year as a chance to improve ourselves - lose weight, get organised, save up to buy that thing (house/car/outfit), become happy (whatever that means?!), stop smoking/drinking/moaning - New Year, New You! And, statistics show that most of us fail, and rather quickly, but what doesn't tend to fail is the inner critic telling us all about how shit we are for not improving or for quitting. So, I practice New Year, Same You! Of course, you're allowed to change, improve, lose weight or whatever you like and if the 1st of the month of a new year is a good motivating date for you - go nuts! But what change might occur if you chose to focus on self-acceptance and self-compassion above all else? To love your body as is. To be happy with what you have instead of craving more? To accept your messy, non-saving-up, smoking and drinking you as you are. What radical change might lie ahead of you start this new year by accepting what is – including you, warts and all – to relax more, to create more space to do nothing in, to be bored, to leave the dishes, to nap, to stare out the window, to skip gym day to cuddle instead? To, literally, stop and smell the roses (as well as metaphorically). What would happen if your focus was on self-love over self-criticism? On loving what is over what could have been? On good enough over perfection? On judging yourself less and giving everyone else a break too? Maybe that sounds like a lot of work and change, but what if all that comes from simply accepting it’s a new year and it’s the same you, instead of focussing so much on hard work and change that’s based on you not accepting yourself as you are in this glorious moment? Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed this article. If you did, or didn't, or want to add something or have a question, feel free to comment below (but try and be kind about it - I'm a terribly sensitive soul). Don't forget that this is just my opinion. You don't have to agree. These pieces of writing are just here to make you think and take from it what you like and find helpful and ignore the rest. At the end of the day, it's your life and, therefore, what you consume, what you believe, and what you think and feel is your choice. Also, this article has been brought to you by a perfectly imperfect, flawsome dyslexic. I hope any potential spelling or grammar mistakes didn't take away from your enjoyment. The thing about talk therapists, whether they call themselves counsellors, psychotherapists, coaches or psychologists, is that they're just as unique as you and so each practitioner will offer their own style and approach - which is both fantastic that there are so many options available for you to find your perfect match but it can also feel a bit overwhelming, during a time where you're probably already feeling overwhelmed - who to pick and why, right? So, first thing first: All talk therapists offer a confidential and safe space to explore your inner world, thoughts, feelings and behaviours and whatever 'problem in living' you're currently dealing with. Secondly, one of the most important things, for you to get the most out of therapy, isn't necessarily the therapist's techniques and experience but rather how you feel in their company. Is it easy for you to open up? Do you feel you can trust the person? Do you feel comfortable enough to open up despite the discomfort? If not, that therapist isn't for you. Third, each therapist will be trained in a specific model and depending on your preferred style of working (which you may not know until you've tried it) it might be worth looking into the specific therapist's style to make sure it works for you. You're also allowed to ask questions about how they work when you meet them for the first time. Personally, I work within something called the 'pluralistic framework' which is part philosophy, part method. The philosophy part is a belief that 'no one size fits all' when it comes to talking therapy. You're a unique person and it's my job to try and tailor the session to your needs and wants, as much as I can. You can find more about this method here. My approach and training mean I can work with a large array of people and issues, but specialise in helping people who feel a bit lost in life and who're unsure what direction to take, those who're struggling with their self-worth, procrastination, perfectionism, imposter syndrome, those dealing with a harsh and negative inner dialogue or those who feel that they've lost a sense of who they are and what their authentic voice sounds like in a world that's busy telling them who to be and how to live, and I love working with creative types who want to make a change to their future, direction and self-beliefs. I also specialise working with neurodivergent people, mainly autistic people (if that applies to you, you might find this programme I’ve created interesting – click here). **If you're wanting to explore complex trauma or are dealing with a complicated diagnosis like BPD or an eating disorder, you should seek a therapist with specialist trauma training. If you're aware that your issue perhaps falls into this category but feel a bit lost in what to do next, please do get in touch and ask for recommendations/advice.** Sometimes talk therapy is simply a place to off-load and talk things through while feeling understood and validated. It can be an incredibly cathartic feeling. Some ask what the difference is between talking to a therapist and a friend. After all, you have an established relationship with a friend. Wouldn't it be easier to open up to them instead of a stranger (as well as cheaper!)? I cannot recommend highly enough talking to friends about your problems if you have some good friends to do that with. However, friends will have a unique set of skills a talk therapist lack (I've written an article about that here). Other people go to a therapist to ensure change. They want to move away from a problem or situation. It's important to stress, in that scenario, that you cannot overcome a problem simply by talking about it, nor can a therapist fix you or your life for you. You have to do the work yourself, much like when you want to get stronger muscles. You can hire a personal trainer to guide and support you but the trainer cannot give you the muscle gain on your behalf. You have to be ready to do the work, willing to do the work and able to do the work (I’ve written a longer piece about that here). And by 'work', I mean actively engaging with your challenges, dedicating time to it, committing to the tasks needed for change and prioritise yourself, whether that's carving out more self-care time, saying no to working late, setting better boundaries with your family, making sure you try and change a bad habit and install new better ones and so on. However, you cannot start changing a thought, feeling or behaviour if you do not understand why you're doing it in the first place. So, part of talk therapy is to help you gain awareness of why you think, feel and behave the way you do to be able to change it. That's why my motto is: "If you don't change anything, nothing will change". If you want to change your life, you have to start by changing your habits and creating new and healthier ones for the life you want to make for yourself. In my many years of working within this field, I've often pondered the answer to the question 'how do you define talk therapy?'. The problem is, that it means different things to different people, depending on what they're needing at any given time, what 'problem in living' they're dealing with at that moment and what they're wanting moving forward. Talk therapy is about meeting you where you're at, and not where I think you ought to be. Now, the first thing I want to address before breaking down the different terms of talk therapy, is that you don't have to have something 'wrong' with you to go talk to a therapist. It's not something reserved for those who are a bit 'crazy'. This is to be understood in two ways: Talk therapy can be for anyone interested in personal development and growth. So, even if you just want to take your amazing life and make it even better, talk therapy might help you become clearer on what steps you need to talk to achieve that. If you're procrastinating on a big project or a lifelong dream, like writing a book, talk therapy can help you find motivation and inspiration while addressing thoughts and feelings that are holding you back (what the coaching world would call 'limiting beliefs'). The other way to understand this, which I talk much more about here, is that even if you feel broken or 'crazy', I am fairly certain you're not! And talking to a therapist might just make you see that you're not. The hardship of defining talk therapy is also that different talk therapists will answer this differently depending on their training, their personal preferences and their offerings. A psychotherapist will do things a bit differently than a psychologist and a psychiatrist will again offer something completely different and a coach will offer something entirely different. So, it’s important that you know for yourself what you’re seeking and wanting. This might be hard if you haven’t had help before, so you might want to do some online searches to help yourself get that clarity. I might also be able to help via my article about the differences between talk therapists and mental health practitioners (available here), or my article about the different methods offered by talk therapists (you can read that here), what’s needed from you to get the most out of talk therapy (see here) and more about how I, uniquely, work and the kind of people I usually talk to (that’s here), or, indeed, why you’ll thank yourself for booking an appointment at all (see here). Looking at the Manual of You, what do you know to already work for you? One-to-one support, reading books, attending courses or workshops? Have you had therapy before – what did you like and what didn’t you like? Have you changed something about yourself or your life before? If so, what did you do that worked for you? Why are you even thinking about seeing a talk therapist? What’s going on in your life that you’re wanting support for? Are you ready, willing and able to start this journey? Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed this article. If you did, or didn't, or want to add something or have a question, feel free to comment below (but try and be kind about it - I'm a terribly sensitive soul). Don't forget that this is just my opinion. You don't have to agree. These pieces of writing are just here to make you think and take from it what you like and find helpful and ignore the rest. At the end of the day, it's your life and, therefore, what you consume, what you believe, and what you think and feel is your choice. Also, this article has been brought to you by a perfectly imperfect, flawsome dyslexic. I hope any potential spelling or grammar mistakes didn't take away from your enjoyment.
As humans, we tend to do an awful lot of self-bullying. Which it pretty sad. But, as if it wasn't enough that we have a tendency to over-think, over-analyse, criticise ourselves and replay negative memories on repeat, we tend to blame ourselves for for thinking, feeling and behaving in ways that been pre-installed in our systems from thousands and thousands of years ago. Thoughts, feeling and behaviours that serve as important survival mechanisms and yet we often see them as personal flaws and shortcomings. So, allow me to tell you why you're way more sane than you think! Professor and clinical psychiatrist Dan Siegel once said that we're hardwired for unhappiness! And psychologist Dr Rick Hanson says the brain is like Velcro for bad memories and Teflon for good ones. So, what do they mean by that? You might be a modern, 21st century human and though the brain in your scull is as old as you, it's evolutionary design is much, much older - over 40.000 years actually. Imagine that - the software you're walking around with is over 40.000 years old and yet, you're somehow managing to function relatively well in current times. I don't think you'd be able to say the same for a PC running on a 40.000 year old Windows update, do you? Very often the people I work with call themselves 'people-pleasures' and it's certainly not a compliment! Even though, we're designed to people please, to fit in, to not rock the boat. If you got kicked out of your tribe back in the day, you'd die. Fitting in and learning to please those around you have been a survival mechanism for centuries. Other people complain about how negative they are and how they can't stop replaying negative memories, whereas they can hardly remember the good times. What's wrong with them, they ask me. I'll tell you... Nothing! We also come delivered with a negativity bias pre-installed! That's the thing about being hardwired for unhappiness and the Teflon/Velcro metaphor. From a survival perspective, you gained nothing from walking around, happily day dreaming about all the good times while forgetting the bad. But your chances of survival were much higher if you worried in advance. If you replayed bad outcomes over and over you'd be much better prepared if the same bad situation happened again. And if you got scared easily by brown sticks on the ground, you stood a better chance of escaping that one time the brown stick turned out to be a poisonous snake! I could go on but then it'll become a rather long post. But so many of the things we label as 'bad' nowadays and give mental health labels to, like anxiety, have an evolutionary basis. They served a purpose. Perhaps the purpose is less obvious or some of these designs less desirable today but that doesn't make you broken or crazy or stupid. All our negative emotions serve a purpose, whether we can tie them back to evolution or not. Just like all positive feelings do too. Our feelings don't deserve to be demonised the way they typically are today and these 'good' and 'bad', 'positive' and 'negative' labels are, often, more hindering than helpful. Our emotions are there to tell us a story but we have to learn to listen instead of judge so much. To stay curious and open to them so we can figure out their meaning and reason. Depression isn't some random thing that happens to some people (and it's not a chemical imbalance - that myth has been debunked quite a few times but instead of writing an article about it, you can just Google 'chemical imbalance myth'). Depression is a reaction to something. Question is, are you paying attention to what its reacting to? Johann Hari wrote, in his excellent book, Lost Connections: Depression and anxiety are normal reactions to abnormal circumstances. I think that's true for all mental health problems. Like Dr Bruce D Perry writes in this must-read book What Happened to You, we must stop asking 'what's wrong with you?' (or to say, what's wrong with me?) and start asking 'what happened to you?' (or, ask yourself with love what happened to me?) Our reactions serve a purpose. They tell a story. It's sometimes hard to know what that story is without a bit of help and growing our own self-awareness. Certainly, for a long time when I was younger I thought the answer was plain and simply: What's wrong? I'm stupid, I'm a failure, I'm useless. That's also a story but it's not the story I'm talking about. What happened to set those sorts of thoughts in motion because none of us were born thinking like that. Those kind of thoughts are installed in us as we grow up. And at some point, you have to decide if you want to keep telling yourself the same old story if it no longer serves you or whether you're ready to do the work to find a better story, to create a narrative that works for you. As they say, insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. So, it's up to you if you want to keep trying the same thing, tell the same story, carry on living life as you are now and get the same results, or if you want to try something different, something new? And just to be clear, I'm not talking about lying to yourself. I'm not talking about fake affirmations or denying anything. I'm not asking you to gaslight yourself. Chances are that you already are and I'm offering you a chance to expand your perspective and create a 'thicker', more balanced and nuanced story. It's up to you... Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed this article. If you did, or didn't, or want to add something or have a question, feel free to comment below (but try and be kind about it - I'm a terribly sensitive soul). Don't forget that this is just my opinion. You don't have to agree. These pieces of writing are just here to make you think and take from it what you like and find helpful and ignore the rest. At the end of the day, it's your life and, therefore, what you consume, what you believe, and what you think and feel is your choice. Also, this article has been brought to you by a perfectly imperfect, flawsome dyslexic. I hope any potential spelling or grammar mistakes didn't take away from your enjoyment. Hello, Beautiful Thinkers...  Words are so powerful that I feel intimidated even writing this article, ironically. Words create our reality. The words we choose to describe ourselves, the world around us and the people in it will determine how we feel about these things. Words carry tremendous power - we can build someone up, simply by the words we use, we can make someone cry via our words, we can hurt, we can heal, we can support, we can destroy - simply by using the right words. It is not innocent when we call ourselves stupid or useless, nor when we call our partners arseholes or naggers, even if in gist. Likewise, labels are words and labels have the capacity to make someone feel empowered or helpless. I often talk about my experience of finding out that the struggles I had as a teen had a name - depression - and how finding out this piece of information was incredibly healing. Suddenly, I felt less alone in it. I realise so many people felt the same way as me that it had a name! I wasn't a freak of nature. I belonged, in a sense. But after a while, this label that had offered me such relief became my prison. I was a depressed person. It became part of my identity and I believed it to be a life sentence. But what happens if, instead of saying 'I'm depressed' or 'I'm a depressive', we say 'I have depression' or even better 'right now, I'm going through a depressive episode'. What happens when we stop identifying with a label and create some distance with our language? In Irish Gaelic they don't say 'I am sad', they say 'sadness is on me'. Suddenly, it changes the whole relationship between us and the sadness. It's like a rainy cloud hanging on us, but we are not the cloud itself. If it is on us, it can also lift from us. Fortunately, I didn't come across the word 'imposter' until a few years ago. I say 'fortunately' because I've felt like an imposter many times but because I didn't know this label I never identified with being an imposter. Instead, I noticed the feelings and labelled them as something else - a need to update my knowledge. as awe of others, as inspiration to improve myself. And even though I now know that the feelings I had has the name 'imposter syndrome', I still don't feel like a fraud or imposter because I've always used different words, more empowering and helpful words to describe my experience. Equally interesting, when talking about the word imposter is the addition of 'syndrome' when, originally, it was called 'imposter phenomenon'. What happens to our perception of ourselves when we talk about having a syndrome versus being part of a phenomenon? "I have a dream..." and with those words Martin Luther King Jr inspired a nation, giving hope, sending a message of unity and love. "Drain the swamps..." also inspired many people but with these words hate and segregation was encouraged when uttered by Donald Trump. "You're so sensitive." How many people have had their emotions and experience shut down by these unempathetic words? This is a gaslighting sentence often used by shaming people who know they've done wrong, or are too ignorant to look at their own behaviours and making their unkindness someone else's problem. Gaslighting - another interesting word we throw around frequently nowadays. It stems from a movie where the husband drives the wife insane by denying her her reality to such an extend she starts to question her own mind. It's an excellent word, and it's good to be aware of how this technique is used to control others but what's often overlooked is how often we gaslight ourselves - deny ourselves reality to punish, avoid or reject ourselves. I once had a boyfriend who gaslighted me all the time but as I got distance from that relationship I had to admit how often I'd gaslighted myself to make the relationship work. So, we can take words we use about others and hold it in our hands and gently, kindly wonder - does this word apply to me too? Am I judging others because I'm really judging myself? I use suggested to a client that they told themselves better stories. Stories that supported being kind towards themselves instead of always finding flaws. The client made a face. They were not interested in lying to themselves to feel better. They'd just be gaslighting themselves if they were denying their reality to tell a more positive story. But as The School of Life posted on Facebook: The difference between hope and despair is a different way of telling stories from the same facts. I was bullied as a child - fact. I grew up in a safe neighbourhood with a loving mother - fact. I had a critical father - fact. I went on many wonderful holidays with my family - fact. Depending on which fact I focus on, I can tell a story of despair or one of privilege. I do stupid things and I sometimes hurt people in the process - fact. This does not make me feel good about myself and it hurts my self-esteem. I sometimes do stupid things and in the process hurt people. That's never my intention. My intentions are always good but I make mistakes. Fact. This is the same situation but with a better narrative attached. A narrative that's kinder. I'm not lying in the second narrative, I'm just being more nuanced in my answer. Speaking of judgement, our language is rife with common, everyday remarks that are meant to make us feel bad about ourselves or make others feel bad about themselves: - attention seeking - grow up - put your big girl/boy pants on - grow thicker skin - throwing my toys out the pram If someone is 'attention seeking' its because they're wanting attention. There's nothing bad about that. They're clearly feeling lonely, overlooked, sad, rejected or some other unpleasant feeling and they're craving love - that's what attention is - love. They're seeking connection. That's what 'attention seeking' means - connection and love seeking. Why have we demonised this word? Why do we berate children craving connection and love? Grow up, put your big pants on, grow thicker skin, stop being so childish, throwing toys out the pram - all of these are there to reduce a person's behaviour into something to be ridiculed, something to be dismissed or a taunt. What do we achieve by this, except to isolate people and make them feel shame and/or unaccepted? Wouldn't it be better if we asked what was going on? What need wasn't being met for them? Why do we think that growing thicker skin (which usually means to be less bothered or less offended) is a good thing, compared to being thin-skinned, sensitive, empathetic, respectful and considerate? Countless articles talk about how women can be more assertive and talk like men. As if that's a good thing? Why are we not teaching men how to be more kind and caring in their emails? More indirect for the sake of establishing good rapport? I was once told that getting into my Masters was because it was 'meant to be'. By using these three words, my well-meaning friend had complete reduced the past six month of hard work to get into this Masters and find the funding to be able to accept their offer. I didn't get in because it was meant to be. I got in because I worked bloody hard for it. I'm a people-pleaser I'm so negative What's wrong with me, I can't stop ruminating I over-think all the time Common sentences people use that have a negative connotation. Words used to describe a deficit in them. And yet, as I write about here, these are pre-installed software programmes that comes with the human hardware. These are survival mechanisms that far predates our current environment. In this podcast episode Lisa Feldman Barrett talks about her emotional theory. We've long believed (and are still taught) that there are six basic human emotions - anger, surprise, disgust, enjoyment, fear and sadness. Except that's not true. We don't have any universal understanding of emotions. But what we do have is a shared language and our words shape our reality. Much like the brain doesn't have the concept that a tight chest means we're anxious. But if we have a tight chest in many anxious situations, we start to create an automatic narrative and it becomes a self-fulling prophecy. Due to our words and word association. This means we can deconstruct this reality - also by using words. If you have clammy hands, your breath is laboured, your heart is racing and you have butterflies in your stomach - you may label your symptoms as nervousness if you're about to give a speech. But, if you're about to jump out of an airplane and that's your favourite thing to do, you might also label these same feelings excitement. You body doesn't know the difference but the words you choose will determine how you feel about the situation. I used to think that butterflies in my stomach when dating someone meant I was in love. Now, I associate those with being anxious because I don't trust the person. Neither are a universal truth but experience have taught me that the butterflies are there when the person I'm dating isn't making me feel safe. I once received a text message from a friend telling me that I was spending too much time with my boyfriend. This happened the same week another friend told me to ignore her fully and go and enjoy my new relationship. One of these are still my friend. The words we choose to communicate with others can create deeper and lasting connection or it can break a bond. Passive-aggressive, indirect, unkind or dismissive words are seldom going to bring you closer to someone. And yet, these are ways we often communicate with our partners when tensions run high. It's often said that we hurt the ones we love most. This is not a universal truth about love and being in a romantic relationship but a truth about projecting our unresolved issues onto others and choosing those we hope won't abandon us but it's a technique that usually ends in heartbreak for both parties. Sticks and stone may break my bones but words... can hurt forever. We can't ever unlearn or forget but we can suppress, numb and avoid and we can also learn to change our relationship with words. When my inner critic calls me stupid, I now know it's telling me I'm tired. When I question my partners love and commitment, I know I'm really worried about being rejected. When someone calls me unkind words, I know it's because they're hurting and don't know where to put that hurt. When I call other people unkind words, I know it's because I have work to do within myself. I recently came across something called a 'thought-terminating cliché' and it's used to end a discussion, like saying 'it is what it is'. What a dismissive thing to say, right? Whether we're dismissing ourselves and our feelings or someone else's. A couple of weeks later I came across the concept 'emotional regulation strategies', which can include saying 'it is what it is' as a way to put things into perspective, acknowledge the situation for what it is and how it is and try to move on. In other words, the same sentence can be used to help ourselves. Words are powerful! Use them wisely. But never presume that everyone put the same meaning into a word as you. 'Treat others like you'd like to be treated'. No - treat others like they'd like to be treated. Ask. Never presume. Use your words with kind consideration. They have the power to break someone, and the power to put them together again. So, why not choose respectful, kind, considerate words? Towards yourself as well as others. Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed this article. If you did, or didn't, or want to add something or have a question, feel free to comment below (but try and be kind about it - I'm a terribly sensitive soul).
Don't forget that this is just my opinion. You don't have to agree. These pieces of writing are just here to make you think and take from it what you like and find helpful and ignore the rest. At the end of the day, it's your life and, therefore, what you consume, what you believe, and what you think and feel is your choice. Also, this article has been brought to you by a perfectly imperfect, flawsome dyslexic. I hope any potential spelling or grammar mistakes didn't take away from your enjoyment.
OK, so on here there are articles about the differences between counsellors, psychotherapists, coaches, psychologists and psychiatrists. There is an article about the different methods, approaches and frameworks used and what these terms even mean. There are articles about why you’ll thank yourself for booking an appointment and how I specifically practice and also on why so many mental health practitioners are so private and secretive compared to the many loud life coaches on social media, telling you how to live your life. Well, I can only speak for myself but I do know that how I do it is not hugely unique, so it’s probably a good enough measurement of what a session looks like. First and foremost, you need to find a practitioner that offers what you’re wanting. That in itself can be tough, take time and be a bit overwhelming, to be honest. Whether you’re in the UK, US or in tiny Denmark there are different online directories where you can look up practitioners and their profiles. Otherwise, a quick Google search can help you identify individual people’s websites, like typing in ‘counsellor Glasgow’ or ‘life coach New York’ or ‘psychologist Copenhagen’. Depending on the size of your city, you may get hundreds of hits or only a few. Are you looking for a counsellor/psychotherapist, a psychologist or a coach? If you don’t know the difference, you can read about that here. Do you know what you want to talk about? Is it a problematic past, to get an ADHD diagnosis or to plan your future success? A counsellor or psychotherapist can help you with the first, a psychologist with the second and a coach with the third. If you are feeling overwhelmed and stressed then all three might be able to help you, depending on how you want to go about dealing with this stress. Get a feel of the person via their website or online profiles. Do they seem relatable? Set up a free or discounted first chat with them and see how you get on. Do they explain how they work? Did they make you feel safe and comfortable? Would you recommend them to your best friend? If yes, book another session. If not, find someone else. Don’t waste time on ‘giving it another chance’. Trust your initial reaction and follow your intuition. Now, each practitioner out there will handle each session differently. Confidentiality, respect and kindness should be a the heart of it for all though. But generally speaking, you’re expected to do most of the talking. The focus is on you. And it’s about going deep and not wasting time on small talk and pleasantries. It’s not about listening to the therapist dispense advice or tell you how to live (bummer, I know! But there’s a reason for that! I’m working on an article about that which will come out soon). You need to figure out solutions for yourself so that you can go and apply them later in life on your own. It’s kind of like getting a personal trainer to get fit and hoping to achieve this by simply watching him do the exercises or by being told which exercises to do. That won’t work. Nor will therapy where you’re told what to do. It needs to make sense from within you or it won’t work. If being told what to do worked, there’d be no therapists as everyone would be fixed by reading a self-help book. Because the reason self-help books don’t work in the long run is that the insights gained didn’t come from within you. And that’s really it! We talk. Well, you mostly talk and the practitioner listens. They will reflect on what you say, they’ll challenge you, or offer a different perspective, and they might offer you some resources to engage with between sessions, depending on their methods and approach. Some sessions will feel harder than others, some will come with more insights than others. There are no quick fixes and those who claim there are, are out to sell you something really overpriced (or are potentially in denial about their unresolved issues). There is no fixed timeframe for feeling better, even if someone offers you a 6-package deal. It takes whatever amount of time it takes for you. Some people have more time to reflect and ‘do the work’ in between sessions than others. Some people have more resources – energy, money, support – than others which might slow down or speed up their process. Some have harder lives to deal with than others. And some are faced with sudden and unexpected challenges. There are no big secrets, there are no magical cures, there is no one answer that works for all, and there is nothing dramatic or otherwise mysterious going on in talk therapy. It’s all rather dull on the one hand, and super exciting on the other (if you like reflecting on your life, that is – otherwise, it might be your idea of hell!) Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed this article. If you did, or didn't, or want to add something or have a question, feel free to comment below (but try and be kind about it - I'm a terribly sensitive soul).
Don't forget that this is just my opinion. You don't have to agree. These pieces of writing are just here to make you think and take from it what you like and find helpful and ignore the rest. At the end of the day, it's your life and, therefore, what you consume, what you believe, and what you think and feel is your choice. Also, this article has been brought to you by a perfectly imperfect, flawsome dyslexic. I hope any potential spelling or grammar mistakes didn't take away from your enjoyment.
That’s quite a mouthful, isn’t it? It’s not snazzy or super concise but I am hoping it gives the impression of ‘it does what it says on the tin’. The only problem is you might not understand any of the words in this context. I hold a bachelor's and master's of science in psychology. How I think and how I practice is deeply rooted in psychology – the study of the human mind – and research, data and science. Though I respect individuals’ belief systems and can hold on to their truths without letting my opinion influence a session, I am better suited to work for people who share my beliefs in research, data and science above religious and spiritual beliefs. That also means that in the work I do with people, I introduce current scientific thinking as an educational element to sessions – so, that might mean that I explain how the brain works and why we can create certain mental barriers for ourselves. For example, I don’t view procrastination as a personal failing and flaw but see it as a natural, psychological coping mechanism. When the brain is overwhelmed it changes its focus to something more manageable as a stress response. So, when you’re procrastinating it’s not about overcoming a personal deficit in attention but about making the task at hand more manageable so the brain doesn’t get overwhelmed. So, that’s the ‘psychology-informed’ bit of my practice and what it might look like when working with me. I’m also a coach – to be precise, my diploma says I’m a ‘transformational life coach’, meaning I focus on ‘life’ issues rather than being a career coach or executive coach and I focus on creating transformation – deep, insightful change – so, not quick fixes and ‘band-aid’ solutions to big wounds. A coach, put very simplistically, focuses on the future. It’s about setting goals (meaning, what you’re hoping to achieve, build, create or accomplish), so that we know we’re going in the same direction in our sessions, so we know what we’re working towards and to ensure there’s a proactive dynamic in our sessions and we’re not just going over old ground from the past, over and over, dwelling and getting stuck in old emotions and patterns of the past. This might sound appealing but it’s important to note that this means that my approach is not for everyone. Those who want to do deep, intense past work and focus on complex childhood trauma or PTSD should seek a trauma expert (not a ‘trauma informed’ therapist but someone specialised in trauma work with the appropriate methods in place – you can read about methods here). However, I also believe that life coaching can be too future-focused and though we might feel great after a coaching session – alive, energised, inspired and ready for action – there’s a risk we’ll fall back into our old patterns and habits and feel stuck once more while blaming ourselves for not maintaining the momentum our coaching gave us – because we didn’t look back to identify where the old patterns and habits stem from. Not to sit and dig around in it but to grow our self-awareness so that next time we’re feeling stuck, instead of blaming ourselves as incapable, we can recognise where the stuckness comes from and take action in a much more informed manner. That’s the therapeutic part of what I’m offering. We will look back into the past – and that can be tricky and uncomfortable if you’re not ready to do that work, you should probably wait or seek a different practitioner. Part of a successful outcome of seeing a talk therapist is that you’re ready, willing and able (I write about that here). Finally, I’m a pluralist which, for me, above all else, is a philosophy – a way of thinking about the work I do and my approach to others. Technically, I’m trained in the Pluralistic Framework, created by Mick Cooper and John McLeod (if you Google this, you’ll get some helpful articles about this). What being a pluralist means to me is that I will meet you where you’re at and not what I think you ought to be in life and in your process. I recognise that no one size fits all when it comes to therapy as we’re all wonderfully different and unique. So, it’s not about coming to me and I’ll apply one method or framework or approach (again, this is the article that explains what this means here) that works for me but about having a conversation about where you’re at and what works for you and with the knowledge and skills I have, I’ll do my best to tailor our sessions after your needs, wishes, experiences and desires. Now, sometimes, especially if we’re new to the world of talk therapy, we might not know what we want or need or desire. That’s ok too. Then we’ll work from that starting point (as I said, it’s about meeting you where you’re at) and together we’ll try and figure out what works for you and what doesn’t. This includes me asking sometimes what has been helpful and what might you want less of and relying on your ability to be honest with your feedback above any kind of people-pleasing tendencies. You’re not here to soothe my ego or please me. We’re here to support you become the version of yourself that you want. Talk therapy is like a dress rehearsal – let’s set the table, let’s get all dressed up, let’s play it out and see what works and what doesn’t so you can show up much better prepared and satisfied when the real event occurs. That includes being allowed to get angry with me, cry, or express frustration with me or the sessions and not be criticised, scolded, or experience any other negative consequences for expressing your emotions. So, there you have it – I’m a pluralist, meaning I’ll meet you where you’re at and don’t believe in ‘one size fits all’ approach to talk therapy. I’ll apply different methods at different times as suit you. And it’s always ok to change your mind or want different things on different days. I use psychology to inform my practice and our conversations as a means to educate you about how the mind works (I also use research from sociology, anthropology and other sciences as well as philosophy). It’s about enhancing our knowledge and learning to become better thinkers and observers of ourselves, others and the world around us. The therapeutic part means that we will do some deep, emotional work too. Look into your complicated inner self and talk a bit about past experiences and your mental health (strengths as well as perceived weaknesses). And finally, the coaching means that we’ll look ahead, we’ll create a plan for what you hope to achieve by coming to me and talking to me. We’ll talk about the version of you that you want to be. If you don’t want to change anything, then you might be wasting your money. If you’re hoping to change other people by talking to me, you’ll also be wasting your money. But if you want to change your relationship with other people by changing yourself, we can absolutely do that. I’ve also written an article you might find helpful about the difference between a counsellor, psychotherapist, psychologist, psychiatrist and coach that you can find here. I hold a BSc and MSc in psychology. In Denmark, that’s the requirement for calling yourself a psychologist but as my degrees are from Scotland I do not qualify for using the title ‘psychologist’ which is protected in Denmark. However, it’s not protected in the UK, for example, where I can call myself a psychologist. I’m also a university-trained and qualified counsellor and psychotherapist but these are not protected titles, at least not in Denmark and in the UK (but they are in certain other European countries, as well as in the US). I’m not and never will be a psychiatrist and can’t offer diagnoses nor medicine. And I’m also a life coach but again this is not a protected title anywhere in the world and you do not need to have completed any training to use this title. Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed this article. If you did, or didn't, or want to add something or have a question, feel free to comment below (but try and be kind about it - I'm a terribly sensitive soul).
Don't forget that this is just my opinion. You don't have to agree. These pieces of writing are just here to make you think and take from it what you like and find helpful and ignore the rest. At the end of the day, it's your life and, therefore, what you consume, what you believe, and what you think and feel is your choice. Also, this article has been brought to you by a perfectly imperfect, flawsome dyslexic. I hope any potential spelling or grammar mistakes didn't take away from your enjoyment.
So, you're thinking about booking an appointment with a talk therapist, such as a counsellor, psychotherapist, psychologist or coach (confused about the differences, check out this article), but you're not sure... Is it for you? Is your problem 'big' enough? Will it be too awkward and/or embarrassing and/or shameful? What if you don't like it? What if it makes things worse? What if other people find out? (If there's another reason not mentioned here, that's making you hesitate, why not pop it in the comment section below so I can address it in another post?) Talk therapy is one of the most misunderstood concepts in the world of health (OK, that was an overstatement but I'm going to stick with it for emphasis). I'm sure Freud and his obsessions with sex and female hysteria have something to do with this and certainly Hollywood isn't helping in the way they often portray what talk therapy is like (to be honest, for anyone not in the client's chair, talk therapy would be so boring to observe that no one would want to watch an honest show about it and us therapists live such normal lives that it wouldn't be worth making any movie or TV character a therapist if portrayed accurately). There's still stigma attached to seeing a talk therapist and the word 'crazy' and still creeps into my sessions (as in, 'I'm not crazy or anything' as if that was my presumption when a new client comes to see me). Nor is talk therapy necessarily about having a mental health problem (notice how I write 'problem'. We've developed a bad habit in our society of simply using the words 'mental health' to mean something bad, but the two words 'mental' and 'health' put together mean nothing. You need an adjective like 'poor' or 'good' or verbs like 'fitness' or 'problem/struggle/issue' to make those words have any meaning. Just like you don't tend to talk about 'physical health' without saying 'improvement' or 'bad' to make it clear what you're talking about). First of all, a talk therapist, like a counsellor or psychotherapist or life coach of some sort, is not a psychologist or psychiatrist and each of these disciplines works differently though a psychologist and a psychiatrist can offer talk therapy too (yes, it all gets a bit muddled at times). So, it's important, to ensure you get the desired support, that you're clear on why you're seeking support and what for. Some talk therapists are trained in specific areas like complex trauma, eating disorders, EMDR, hypnotherapy or other techniques/approaches, and if you have a problem that's causing serious disruption to your day-to-day living, it may be best you seek someone with specialist training. Others get trained in a specific approach/framework that can be applied across a variety of issues, such as Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) which is what the NHS will offer you, for example (I'm a pluralist, and you can read all about that here). If you're seeking a diagnosis, you may want to seek out a psychologist or psychiatrist. So, what does a talk therapist do? We talk... Or rather, we expect you to talk. Though we can sit in complete silence as well - that's OK too. I've written a post about what talk therapy is here so I'm not going to bore you any further with that just now. Instead, let's get specific as to why you should book an appointment and why you'll thank yourself afterwards. When we live in our heads, our thoughts can become quite overwhelming. It's really good and healthy to just let it out. That in itself has been proven to be cathartic. Even more so when in the company of a professional talk therapist as they're trained in listening in a way you won't have experienced before among friends. A talk therapist listens deeply and will hear, see and understand you in a way you might never have felt understood before. They're also amazing at putting themselves in your shoes and seeing the world through your eyes (that's what empathy is, compared to 'sympathy' which is when you feel sad or sorry for someone else). A talk therapist won't judge you or make you feel bad for what you've said because they understand that being a human is complex and we sometimes do or think things that society would frown upon. But not us. We'll respect you and make you feel validated in how you feel and think (though we might challenge you in it if how you're thinking and feeling isn't very healthy for you, but we'll be respectful and kind about it). We think talk therapy is so awesome and that absolutely everyone should try it and we don't see any problem as too small. Because of our ability to empathise, we do not have to have lived through your problems to be able to relate. Actually, sometimes it can be quite helpful to talk to someone quite different from you because they might offer you insight that someone who has lived through your experiences cannot. Talk therapists are not very interested in diagnoses and labels. It's not because they aren't helpful (to some, sometimes) but because they're much more interested in what makes you tick and how a specific problem impacts you uniquely. We don't see you as being 'mentally ill' either but rather as someone with 'a problem in living' - and we all experience that at some point in our lives or another, and often, rather frequently. Because life is tough! Our modern, Westernised world is not geared towards our ancient brains - all that noise, and busyness, and long to-do lists. Just think back to our ancestors... No generation before us has ever lived such stressful lives! It's really hard for us to cope in this environment. And never in history have we been so disconnected from each other, and as we're a group animal, it makes sense that we're struggling. For us, talk therapists, coming to talk to someone like us, is not about being 'ill' in any way. We think of it as a fundamental thing that absolutely everyone should have access to and be offered across their lifespan, and the stuff we explore in therapy should be taught in schools. Because the stuff we talk about is: How to communicate better with other people to avoid misunderstandings; how to think in ways that are healthier for your mood; how to take good care of yourself so that you can be the best possible you and, thereby, be of much more help to others as well; how to make relationships work; how to be more assertive instead of aggressive or invisible; how to let go of your parents' problems and not let them become yours; how to make friends; how to feel good about yourself, and your body, and your way of seeing the world; that we all see the world slightly differently; that we are indeed just part of the animal species but we're living far beyond skills and ability in this crazy, modern world; that you're OK the way that you are... but so are other people; how to learn self-compassion; how to let go of judgement; how to be happier; how to raise happier children; how to create a life that works for you; how to say no more; how our words impact our lives; how to grow in self-esteem and confidence; how to know you're a person of worth; how to deal with shame and regrets; how to grieve the loss of a loved one; how to deal with loss of control, change and challenges; how to turn obstacles into opportunities; how to conduct first aid on your emotions, just like you would on a cut or wound. We can explore why you're feeling so anxious or depressed, why you're struggling to make friends, how to deal with office bullies or breakdowns in relationships and much, much more. All day-to-day stuff. Nothing 'crazy' about it. What would your life have looked like if you'd been taught these things instead of Shakespeare and how to sit standardised tests? However, if you feel like you are going 'crazy', talk therapy can still really benefit you. Because I'll tell you a well-kept secret: You're not crazy! Even if you're sitting with a diagnosis like schizophrenia or BPD, or an eating disorder or OCD - you're not one bit crazy. Rather, your mind is saying 'mayday, mayday, we have a problem!!' but the world around you, and maybe even your over-riding thoughts are ignoring this mayday signal and carrying on as if nothing is the matter. At one point our emotional well-being is going to say 'STOP! I want off! You're not taking me seriously, so I'll MAKE YOU!" and so it does stuff like make you feel depressed or anxious, or worried that you'll do something horrible to your family, or it'll create a second voice in your head that tells you nasty things. It can make you feel suicidal and you might start harming yourself to feel the pain in your body, rather than in your head or to punish yourself because the voice tells you that you deserve to be punished. Again, you're not crazy if this is the case, but you really should be listening to your emotions because they're wanting something better for you. Maybe you've been ignoring a harmful childhood for too long; maybe you're unwilling to recognise that your relationship is not good for you; or maybe you've experienced something traumatic in your past that you haven't worked through yet - we can't do that as humans. We can't just bury things and hope they'll go away. It's like when we've had an argument with our partner and we don't resolve it but choose to just sweep it all under the carpet... We all know it doesn't stay there but instead, while busy ignoring it, it'll grow arms and legs and come out a much worse monster than it was, to begin with. Pandora's Box might have been pushed way back in the closet but it will not stay quiet there. Going to see a talk therapist will allow you to open Pandora's Box yourself instead of waiting for it to spring open of its own accord at some inconvenient time. So, there is no such thing as 'too small' a problem. Sometimes, some problems may be 'too big' for a non-specialist talk therapist but you can talk that through with them. You can talk to a talk therapist about anything, as long as you are clear on your expectations of them and you've explored with them if they can meet those, and you're clear on the limitations of therapy and confidentiality (a good therapist will offer you a contract where it's all there in black and white but some might choose not to, so do ask them about confidentiality, note taking and record keeping - after all, these are your private details). If you're hoping for a quick fix... If you're hoping there's this easy-to-follow formula to clear away several decades of trauma... If you think we can read your mind... If you think all your problems will go away by themselves... If you think that the therapist can 'fix' other people in your life so you don't have to change... If you think making big life changes is easy... You will be disappointed by talk therapy. Anyone who offers you the above is not being honest with you - and quite possibly, not with themselves either.  There's a famous, American, self-help guru who says he can cure your depression in a matter of minutes. He'll do a few party tricks and you'll feel instantly better. But if you return later and tell him you're depressed again, he'll make it out to be your fault for not wanting to be cured enough. This is dangerous, and an ethical talk therapists with proper training, do not say or offer these things. We understand there are underlying causes that won't go away after a few minutes due to some fancy tricks and we understand that life will keep throwing spanners in the works and you may develop issues again, and again. (That's the other secret of mental health - it's not a one-off fix. Just like with your physical health - if you want to keep staying fit, you'll have to keep exercising. For the rest of your life! The mind-muscle is no different. Talk therapy is not about 'curing you'. It's about giving you an emotional education. It's about teaching you how to be your own therapist eventually and how to apply emotional first aid. It's about teaching you healthier ways of dealing with your life, your past and your (probably) unrealistic expectations of yourself and others. It's about supporting and guiding you, and not fixing you or doing the work for you. It's like getting a personal fitness trainer, but for the mind. It's like going to the GP to get a cast on your broken leg, but this time it's a metaphorical cast on your mind. It's needed but also temporary as long as you follow the proper care instructions. It's about seeking a specialist so you don't have to do all the work yourself, much like you'll seek an electrician for your house if something goes awry instead of doing it all yourself (and risk being electrocuted). It's really good. It can be tough at times, but no tougher than sitting with it all in your head, all alone. It will be worth it. BUT! Finding a good talk therapist is kind of like finding a new friend. You will not be friends in real life, nor after your treatment, but you should feel safe and comfortable in their company. You should feel able to be fully yourself and say whatever pops into your mind without censoring yourself or fearing their reaction. You should trust them fully. Otherwise, it's unlikely to work well, or at all. But your therapist can't guess what's going on for you if you don't tell them, so if it doesn't feel right for you, find someone else. Don't think you're not right for therapy, or that all therapists are like the one you've tried and didn't like or that you should just give it more time because it's probably you that's the problem (it's not!). We, therapists, are as unique as you. We all offer different things and different ways of dealing with stuff, and we all have our own unique personalities. Find someone who matches you and your needs. And there's nothing wrong with shopping around. It's quite the investment after all. Not just financially, but also emotionally and time-wise. So, if you find a therapist and you don't quite understand the format of how therapy will work, how the therapist will work, what's expected of you, how it all works, or you feel you don't understand the questions you're asked, or the point of the questions, or if you're both just sitting there in silence and you don't understand why - ask! If you're unsure if the session is 50 minutes or 60, or if you're supposed to lie down or sit, if you're expected to do homework, or if you know that you are but don't want to, or if you don't understand why the therapist is behaving like they are - ask! These are your sessions! Your time! Your money! You are the one in charge. If you're not put at the centre of therapy - as in, this is about you, your needs and your wants - ask yourself if that's the sort of therapy you want (it might be! Some therapists don't believe in the person-centred approach but rather that they are the authority. If that works for you - great! If not, be honest with yourself and find something/someone who will work for you). And if the therapist doesn't want to answer, or doesn't give a clear answer, or doesn't think you're in charge - don't come back. So, what are you waiting for? You can always try it out and if you don't like it, you don't have to come back! It's not like a gym membership where you sign up for a month or a year. You can totally 'pay as you go'. And at The Manual of You you even start with a heavily discounted taster session, so what's there to lose? Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed this article. If you did, or didn't, or want to add something or have a question, feel free to comment below (but try and be kind about it - I'm a terribly sensitive soul). Don't forget that this is just my opinion. You don't have to agree. These pieces of writing are just here to make you think and take from it what you like and find helpful and ignore the rest. At the end of the day, it's your life and, therefore, what you consume, what you believe, and what you think and feel is your choice. Also, this article has been brought to you by a perfectly imperfect, flawsome dyslexic. I hope any potential spelling or grammar mistakes didn't take away from your enjoyment. 
I made the classic mistake while growing up, of thinking that everyone thought and felt the same way as me. This caused much confusion and problems for me. Not only because I made wrongful presumptions about other people which led to many misunderstandings and breakdowns in various platonic and romantic relationships but it also meant I felt continuously hurt and puzzled as I, again, presumed I understood a person's motivation behind a behaviour but I didn't understand the behaviour. As someone who valued kindness and being very considerate, I presumed everyone else felt and thought the same way, so when they went out of their way to hurt me, I struggled to understand why. Part of studying psychology is to learn the many ways humans think and behave and when adding counselling/psychotherapy training to the mix, you learn to never presume you understand someone else's reality and that it's important to ask questions to try and gain some understanding of the other person's worldview - you should never assume as it makes an 'ass out of u and me' (as the saying goes)... Well, except to presume that you'll never master knowing someone else's reality regardless of how long you've worked (or lived) together. As a self-proclaimed 'word nerd' and story collector, I also learned, not just the power of words (you can read more about that specifically here but, generally, my daily blogs are about challenging our understanding of words and narratives), but that even words, despite their dictionary definitions, mean different things to different people. Indeed, one question I ask the people I work with is 'what is your concept of self-esteem, self-worth and confidence' and people have very varied and differentiating replies. Another thing I often do with the people I work with is to look at their values (principles or standards that people hold highly - value, such as needs and personality traits). And when people have identified their top values, I always ask them to tell me how they define each value word - it's seldom the same way as I do. So, that leads me to the word 'trust' and how, despite knowing all of the above for many years, I still made a wrongful presumption about another person's understanding of this important word.  'Trust' is a word often used in my world. We, practitioners, value trust very highly and we tend to go as far as to promise trust to the people we work with. Trust is considered essential to do therapeutic work. You have to be able to trust your therapist to be able to fully open up and do the work needed to change and heal. But even if I was to hand out the definition as written above to the people I work with to try and ensure we're coming from the same place in terms of understanding trust, each additional word in that definition has to be defined by each individual as well. 'A firm belief in the reliability, truth or ability of someone or something'. But what does reliability mean to you and does it mean the same to me? What about truth? Or ability? Though it's encouraged within the methods I've trained in, to be honest, transparent and congruent with the people we work with, raw and blunt truths are not encouraged. If I'm working with someone who's making decisions that aren't aligned with what I'd consider healthy or helpful choices, me being honest about that wouldn't serve a purpose. Therapy isn't about my opinion, first of all. Why not, you might ask - ain't I the 'mental health' expert? Aren't you paying me for my advice? Yes and no (or as Australians would say 'yeah nah'). I know a lot about mental health and the workings of the mind but I can never be an expert on your reality or the sense you're making of your mental health (we're back to the point of not making presumptions) and secondly, my advice might harm you. My advice would be based on what works for me, who I am, who I choose to be and the resources, knowledge and support available to me. Counter-productive as this may sound (especially from a marketing perspective), you're paying me to not give you advice. You're paying me to ask questions to help you to figure out the right decision for you by yourself, based on your reality, your needs, your unique life experiences and your knowledge, resources and support available at that given moment. So, my truth is not relevant, no matter how keen you might think you are to know my thoughts. This leads me to point number two - there is no such thing as a universal truth, so how can we talk about a belief in someone's truth? Some people are diehard believers in an afterlife, while others will throw everything at you to prove you wrong based on their truth. You might think it's a universal truth that self-harming is bad but what if self-harming for someone is the thing that keeps them from killing themselves? What would happen if they listened to your truth and the emotional overwhelm without the coping mechanism of self-harming became so great that they ended things instead? My truth is not a fact. Furthermore, most people's truth is based on faulty presumptions and some form of unresolved childhood trauma, or at the very least, drama that's projected onto others. Personally, I'm very fearful of anyone claiming truths. Let's look at 'ability' now - trust is a belief in someone's ability. To be honest, this scares the pants off me as a therapist. You see, I have clients who believe I know everything and that I'm flawless and perfect. Or, at the very least, want me to be. And I'm not! I'm just an imperfect, flawed human. And I sit with limited knowledge. The only thing I like to say with certainty is that I know I know nothing at all (right now I don't even know who I'm quoting but it's one of the big philosophers, or at least, he's credited with having said something like that). So, what one person expects of my abilities might not be what is - at all - within my powers. So, when we practitioners tell our clients that trust is at the core of what we do. That they should trust us... What are we really asking? And is that clear to the people we work with? When I talk about being able to trust me as a practitioner, I mean that you can trust that I won't intentionally harm the person I'm working with. Trust that I will do my very best while working with them. Trust I won't break the conditions set out in the contract, like confidentiality. Trust that I will have their best interest at heart. Trust that I will hold them with positive regard and not try to manipulate them. But what the word doesn't mean is that they can trust that I won't make any mistakes whatsoever. They can't trust that I won't do something they view as wrong (I wish I could promise I wouldn't but, as already stated, I am just a flawed, imperfect human being, just like everyone else and it's more my job to role model that it's ok to be imperfect that to be a flawless professional). They can't trust that I will have all the answers and know everything there is to know about psychology and therapy in the whole wide world and, perhaps most importantly, they cannot trust that I can read their minds and respond as they hope in their hearts. Not least because trust goes both ways. Now, that's the thing that's not talked about as often in therapy. I cannot do my job, or at least not very well if the person I'm working with isn't trustworthy too. If they lie, withhold information or hope that I can read their minds and react based on that the relationship and therapeutic outcome are likely to fail. If they are searching high and low for ways to prove that I do not have their best interest at heart, I can't trust them to want to be in partnership with me and the way I work (not all therapists work like this) is to try and create a relationship of equals in the therapeutic space. If a person believes that I can memorise every single word shared, I'll fail based on their misplaced trust in my memory abilities but nor can I trust their sense of what's realistic from our working relationship. If they get mad at me and don't voice it, I can't trust their honesty either. Now, everything stated above is quite normal ways for people to behave in the therapeutic space if they are traumatised and I don't blame a single person for thinking or behaving in that way and this is one of the causes there might be a breakdown in the therapeutic relationship. Most therapists (I'd love to say all therapists but then I'll go on and presume again), will be very forgiven of a client's inability to be trustful in therapy, but again, not if they don't know there's an issue, to begin with, because no matter how masterful a therapist is, they cannot read minds (common misconception. We can't magically heal anyone either... People might be mistaking us for Jesus... or Darren Brown...). Another thing therapists are quite famous for, however, is their ability to not get angry, vengeful or otherwise display hostile emotions towards a client who admits to having been dishonest, or to a client who opens up about their grievances about the therapist. In fact, it's an incredibly helpful tool to work through personal issues when using what has happened - good or bad - between a therapist and their client. The therapeutic relationship often plays out and thus represents the ways a client is with others as well as their underlying attachment styles and struggles in relationships. But again, this form of honest therapy can only be achieved if both parties show up in the relationship to work on it. If a client chooses to run away and point a finger from the distance, it's hard for the therapist to keep themselves safe in what is no longer a trusting relationship for both therapist and client. So, the thing about trust is that it's a complicated concept, let alone a complicated word that might mean different things to different people. Therapists are incredibly sketchy when it comes to making promises. But, I can promise you one thing: The last thing I want in this world, and something I strive passionately and determinedly towards, is to not add to anyone's trauma as a practitioner. That doesn't mean I don't sometimes fail... And each time I'm aware of having made a mistake, my heart breaks, so I promise you, I do not take my job or my clients' wellbeing lightly. You can trust that. But what about you? What does the word trust mean to you? If you were to add an entry to the Manual of You about trust, what might you add? What have you experienced in terms of broken or gained trust? About trust in others as well as towards yourself? Because, the thing is, what we fear about others is often a projection of what we don't like that we're doing to ourselves and what we dislike about others is often a representation of something we don't like about ourselves. So, when we live a life low on trust, it's often a sign that we don't trust ourselves either. Maybe we don't trust ourselves to be kind towards ourselves or have our best interest at heart in our decisions but instead of working on our trust issues towards ourselves we project the problem onto others and make them the problem. And when we're low on trust towards others or society, we're often the people not trustworthy because we're showing up with cynicism, and scepticism and creating barriers instead of connection as we're not operating from a place of love, kindness and compassion but distrust. Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed this article. If you did, or didn't, or want to add something or have a question, feel free to comment below (but try and be kind about it - I'm a terribly sensitive soul).
Don't forget that this is just my opinion. You don't have to agree. These pieces of writing are just here to make you think and take from it what you like and find helpful and ignore the rest. At the end of the day, it's your life and, therefore, what you consume, what you believe, and what you think and feel is your choice. Also, this article has been brought to you by a perfectly imperfect, flawsome dyslexic. I hope any potential spelling or grammar mistakes didn't take away from your enjoyment.  "Our adversaries are not demons, witches, fate, or mental illness. We have no enemy whom we can fight, exorcise, or dispel by "cure." What we do have are problems in living — whether these be biologic, economic, political, or sociopsychological." Thomas Szasz  Hello, Beautiful Thinkers...First and foremost, there's the problem with the words 'mental health'. Usually, when someone talks about 'mental health' or seeking help for their 'mental health' we automatically presume mental health to mean something negative. Mental health are just two words put together and without a supporting adjective, like 'bad' or 'good' or without a noun like 'problem' or 'strength' those two words don't really mean anything. We don't do the same when it comes to physical health. We don't just presume that someone who mentions physical health is refering to something negative. Indeed, we might presume, they're talking about something positive like 'peak physical health'. But even if someoen is talking about wanting to improve their poor physical health we tend to applaud and encourage and still making it a positive thing, despite the problem indicated. So, why this different attitude to mental health? Secondly, the problem with dividing mental and physical health up as if they are two seperate things, as we have in the Westernised world (other, holistic cultures, are not this silly!) is that we start thinking of them as two separate concepts and they are not. You just have the one body and in that one body, your one brain controls. If you're getting a brain scan (MRI) and you experience physical pain, like getting pinched, the pain region of your brain will light up. But if you look at the picture of someone who broke your heart, the same (pain) region will light up. Much like if you're suffering from drug withdrawl, the same part of your brain will light up as when you're going through a bad break-up. According to your brain, pain is pain - it doesn't care and can't tell the difference between physical and mental pain, and therefore, nor should you. Thomas Szasz, whose been quoted above, says there is no 'mental illness' just 'problems in living'. That's to say, you're not 'sick' because you're struggling. Johann Hari calls anxiety and depression 'normal reactions to abnormal circumstances'. Both are saying that if life offers you problems and you have a reaction to these problems, you're not sick - you're normal. If someone got a bee sting and their body reacted to this invasive problem, people don't tend to look at themselves as sick, broken or crazy, they tend to think that their bodies are having a normal reaction to the abnormal circumstance of being stung by a bee. So, if you've experieced unpleasant or horrible things growing up, if you find yourself suddenly in the midst of a war, if you experience a significant loss, if you feel lonely and isolated, if you get bullied at work, or is asked to work harder than what's realistic and healthy, or if you have an unkind friend, partner or parent, or if your child is going through a rubbish time at school, or if the world suddenly comes to standstil due to an unknown virus, or you lose your job and your mortgage is at risk and your mental health suffers as a consequence - you're not ill. You're having a sane reaction to insane circumstances. Dr Bruce D. Perry encourages the world of psychology and psychiatry to ask 'what happened to you?' instead of 'what's wrong with you?'. Because there isn't anyting wong in that sense. Something happened to you and it's much more beneficial to figure that out than to pretend that there's a medical and biological reason for your suffering. No one with a happy childhood and with a good, healthy adult life suddenly finds themselves with mental health problems. However, anyone with a happy childhood and good and healthy adult life can suddenly become mentally unwell if a problem in living occurs, like a divorce, redundantcy, berevment, a global lockdown, illness, bullying, unrealistic demands, geopolitical war or a million other problems that happen to people every day, across the globe. OK, so you will call yourself 'sick' or 'ill' if you catch the cold or a flu, right? And nothing wrong with that. But you didn't create it or cause it. It wasn't because of some sort of personal flaw that you picked up this virus going around, and you might find it really annoying, but we don't tend to criticise ourselves for having caught someone else's bug. We don't see a cold or flue, or similar, as something to take away from our worth or humanness - we don't tend to think less of ourselves because we're physically sick. But we do do that with 'mental illness'. We think it's our fault, we think we ought to be stronger or better. We harshly criticise ourselves for feeling the way that we do. Yet, all we've done is catch some societal decease, like the one spread by social media about how a woman ought to look and what size she ought to have, or the very deadly societal decease that's roamed for decades of men needing to 'man up', that 'boys don't cry' and that showing emotions is a weakness. This horrible, societal virus causes a staggering amount of suicides among men. So, when our minds get 'sick', it's actually a normal reaction to an abnormal situation - like, getting really anxious before going to work because you're being bullied there. Your anxiety is a normal and a healthy reaction to an abnormal, unhealthy and unacceptable work situation. Or, if you feel depressed and don't want to leave your bed, could it be because you're feeling dissatisfied with life, because you're in the wrong career, or your job is endlessly boring, because your life feels meaningless, because your relationship is on the rocks, because you feel lonely, because you've fallen out with a family member or because you think you're without worth in this world? Heck, anyone would feel depressed facing any on of those things, let alone if facing multiple! Health is health. If you have poor physical health it'll eventually impact your emotional wellbeing and you might feel increasingly angry or irritated or sad but, likewise, if you're feeling emotionally burnt out, you might encoutner physical problems like stomach aches, joint pains or headahces. The body is one and the brain is the Master Controller. If we only focus on our fitness and body, and give our minds no nutrition, we'll still get sick. And if we become wise scholars that never move or eat anything healthy, we'll also get sick. We need to treat our health as one and respect all aspects of it. Your mind needs exercise - this includes being creative, laughing, feeling connected to others, being kind to yourself, giving back to others, as well as learning new things, feeling stimulated (not bored), getting rest, seeing sun light, trying new things, being allowed to feel and show those feelings outwardly, like crying, sulking, giggling, being angry, disappointed and sad, without being punished. Much in the same way that your physical body needs exercise, nutrition, TLC, to go to the toilet, to not get over-worked, to be taken care of when hurt or broken. We know that pushing our physical bodies can do us harm - the same goes for pushing our minds too hard by overworking, living by perfectionistic standards, by critisising ourselves all the time or punish ourselves for mistakes. We all know that we need to eat every day, and get fluids and when we need to go to the loo we try and achieve that as soon as possible. We don't ever say "I'll just go to the toilet next week when I have more time." or "I'll have something to drink next weekend. I'm too busy just now." Nor, do we tend to tell ourselves to 'put your big girl/boy pants on and stop whining' when our stomachs growl with hunger, or say 'I'm so weak' because we need to pee. And yet, that's exactly what we do when it comes to our mind's well-being. We don't always feed it daily, we don't often prioritise it and its needs and we often look at its needs as weaknesses or personal flaws. Our minds, our emotional well-being, our mental health if you prefer, gets treated like a side project, like an unimportant and uninteresting hobby. It gets spoken about as being 'indulgent' - like, if we take a self-care day, or if we call in sick with a mental health day. Yet, we brag if we sign up for the gym and get a personal trainer. We Instagram our healthy lunch. We may even discuss our bowel movement with a loved one (in case you're making a face right now, research has indicated that couples who talk about their toilet habits are happier together). We invite colleagues with us to lunch, or for after work drinks but when was the last time you invited someone along for an 'all you can handle' crying session? When was the last time you Instagram'ed your face full of tears or anger? When did you last proudly proclaim to the world that you've signed up for counselling? We talk freely about all the weight we want to lose, where we got our hair done and which clothes we've bought for our holiday, but where is the same openness when we want to talk about the emotional weight we want to lose, when we had our last mental health check-up and which self-help books we've bought lately because we're struggling? Your mind's health is super important! It shouldn't be treated like a side project or something to deal with once you're retired, or indeed be entirely ignored. It should not be hidden and shamed. You just have your one health - and your green smoothie is as important as your mood. Your thoughts and feelings about yourself and your future is more important than any spray tan or tattoo. Being honest about who you are and what you're dealing with should be the norm on social media, not a filter over your holiday pictures. Having deep and meaningful conversations should be a priority over 'happy hour', and finding real friends should be more important than your social media following. Health s health. Without one (physical) you don't have the other (mental). They're one and the same. Lack of sleep will hurt your body and your mind - because they're one. Lack of food or too much of the wrong kind of food will hurt you body and your mind - because they're one. Of course, you're free to call your needs and your ideas about yourself whatever you like - even when in a room with me - and if it's a bit easier to make it clear what you're talking about by referring to your emotional well-being as mental health, you go right ahead. All I wanted to say is that the way we talk about 'mental health' with a presumption it's something negative and the presumption that it's seperate from our physical health is a bit of a misconception. There's just one health and it needs tender love and care. Now, another reasons we got the wrong end of the stick when it comes to being mentally fit or mentally unwell has to do with not understanding our design as humans. A lot of what we consider to be wrong with us, like 'people pleasing' or our fear of rejection, or our rumination (replaying bad events over and over in our heads), or how negative we are and how hard we find it to be more positive, or how we compare ourselves to others makes a lot of sense if you look at it through an evolutionary lens. If your interst is peak, why not have a look at this article about just exatly that: You're Saner Than You Think. Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed this article. If you did, or didn't, or want to add something or have a question, feel free to comment below (but try and be kind about it - I'm a terribly sensitive soul).
Don't forget that this is just my opinion. You don't have to agree. These pieces of writing are just here to make you think and take from it what you like and find helpful and ignore the rest. At the end of the day, it's your life and, therefore, what you consume, what you believe, and what you think and feel is your choice. Also, this article has been brought to you by a perfectly imperfect, flawsome dyslexic. I hope any potential spelling or grammar mistakes didn't take away from your enjoyment. What's the Difference Between a Counsellor, Psychotherapist, Coach, Psychologist and Psychiatrist?30/11/2022
Figuring out all the different names for services that are quite similar can be a confusing mess. Here, I've tried to explain, as simply as possible, the varoius different terms and approaches for common mental health support practitioners. Counsellor "Counselling falls under the umbrella term ‘talking therapies’ and allows people to discuss their problems and any difficult feelings they encounter in a safe, confidential environment. The term can mean different things to different people, but in general it is a process people seek when they want to change something in their lives or simply explore their thoughts and feelings in more depth. A counsellor is not there to sit you down and tell you what to do - instead they will encourage you to talk about what's bothering you in order to uncover any root causes and identify your specific ways of thinking. The counsellor may then look to create a plan of action to either help you reconcile your issues or help you to find ways of coping. Counselling does not come in a cookie-cutter format and each session is generally tailored to the individual. There is flexibility within this type of therapy that allows for a variety of counselling methods." (Source: Counselling Directory) There are over 450 recognised counselling methods in the world which can, quite frankly, make the process of finding a therapist a bit daunting and confusing. One of the more common methods are called Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) which is a wonderful framework but it tends to ignore issues from the past as well as bigger problems in society that might impact a person's mental health, such as racism or sexism, as CBT's focus is on creating better thoughts for yourself to promote more helpful feelings and actions. I've trained in a number of methods such as CBT, narrative therapy (and coaching), transactional analysis (TA), existentialism, positive psychology, solutions-focused therapy as well as using psychology in my session, such as offering insights into the science of our brains and the impact of evolutionary psychology. Psychotherapist Psychotherapy in the UK is the same as counselling, at this moment in time, and neither are protected titles. This is different in different countries. In The United States there are very strict definitions and requirements to be able to use these titles. In Denmark, the word 'counsellor' doesn't exist and the title 'psyhotherapist' is unprotected, so you don't have to have any training to set up a private practice as a psychotherapist. In Denmark, psychotherapists are also trained at private organisations that have no links to the Danish educational system, whereas my counselling and psychotherapy training happened at a recognised Scottish university and earned me a degree qualification. Some people prefer to call themselves 'psychotherapists' to illustrate that they have a very lengthy degree in a very specific area, often within 'psycho-analysis' or 'psycho-dynamic analysis' or 'transactional analysis'. A criticism of counselling and psychotherapy can be that it's a whole lot of navel gazing and going round and round in your emotions and focussing on the past and it can leave you feeling exhausted, helpless and wonder 'but how do I move forward'? or 'I've gained all this personal insight but what do I do with it now'? This is where coaching can be really helpful or if you find yourself a counsellor or psychotherapist with a more proactive and solution focussed approach. Above information is correct to my knowledge as of 2022. Life Coach No training is needed to call yourself a 'life coach' and those who have done training or gained a diploma or certificate can do so from so many different places and sources, it's hard to say if their qualifications are particularly good or not. Coaching still offer you a private and (ideally) confidential space to talk about your problems and obstacles in life. However, generally speaking, coaches are more focussed on 'goals' and 'outcomes' and you're looking ahead, planning, creating new habits or breaking old ones and focussing on the future, whereas counselling, traditionally, focus more on the past and on feelings above actions. Coaching is therefore considered more action-based and dynamic than counselling and can have a more proactive approach to it. Life coaches are not suppose to offer advice, but some might still. You might think that sounds really appealing but there are many dangers in giving advice, something I'll write about soon (so keep an eye out). Or, you can read my free e-book about the problem of being a 'rescuer' here. Psychologist In Denmark 'psychologist' is a protected title (unlike in the UK, where only specific areas of psychology are protected, like 'clinical psychologist' and 'educational psychologist'). In Denmark a BSc (bachelors) and a MSc (Masters/kandidat) in psychology, automatically, earns you the title 'psychologist' if you've taken your degree at a Danish university. You can then go on to prove your experience and knowledge and become an 'accredited' or 'authorised' psychologist. Not all psychologists will have extensive training in the art of 1 to 1 talk therapy but might still set up a private practice. A psychologists degree will be far more extensive than a psychotherapists and in Denmark, psychologists are trained in offering diagnoses, such as Bipolar Disorder or ADHD. A psychotherapist should never diagnose you, though they might talk about symptoms relating to a diagnosis (like depression or anxiety) and suggest further investigation through the proper channels. A psychologist can, therefore, work in many areas, including HR. Psychiatrist A psychiatrist is a medically trained doctor who's done extra training within the field of mental health problems. They can also offer diagnoses as well as medicine. They are often big believers in the biological/medical model of mental health problems which is a hotly debated topic across the world. I'm currently working on a piece about that which will be published soon. My All-Round Approach At The Manual of You(TM) I offer an all-round approach (well, nearly). I believe it's really important to understand our past and how it's shaped us to be able to truly break those patterns (that's the counselling/psychotherapy bit), but I've, likewise, seen the damage of people who've attended counselling for years and feel stuck and confused because they keep just muddling around in their unhelpful feelings and though they've gained lots of insights into their feelings, they don't know how to move forward or create a better life for themselves, and that's where coaching comes in. I believe it's very important to have an eye on the goal you want to achieve and actively work towards a better future. However, we can get ourselves stuck by not understanding basic, underlying principles like how our brains work or how they were designed, so I infuse all my sessions with psychology and psycho-educational means (a fancy word for 'information'). I do not, however, offer diagnoses. Nor am I part of the Danish health system, and as mentioned on other places on this website, I am not allowed to use the title 'psychologist' in Denmark, as my degrees are from Scotland, despite having a BSc and MSc in Psychology (even paid for by the Danish state), so I offer therapeutic psychology coaching and call myself a psychotherapist and psychology coach. If you'd like to know more about me, you can read the About Me section. If you have more questions about what I offer or about the world of therapy, you might find your answers under Articles or my Frequently Asked Questions section. If you'd like to see what else I have on offer, check out the Offers section. And if you'd like to get in touch to set up a cheap taster session, please get in touch via the form here. Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed this article. If you did, or didn't, or want to add something or have a question, feel free to comment below (but try and be kind about it - I'm a terribly sensitive soul).
Don't forget that this is just my opinion. You don't have to agree. These pieces of writing are just here to make you think and take from it what you like and find helpful and ignore the rest. At the end of the day, it's your life and, therefore, what you consume, what you believe, and what you think and feel is your choice. Also, this article has been brought to you by a perfectly imperfect, flawsome dyslexic. I hope any potential spelling or grammar mistakes didn't take away from your enjoyment.
There are over 450 recognised talk therapy methods in this world so if you don't know what I'm talking about, safe to say, that's OK! It's rather confusing, to be honest. Or, if you've only ever heard of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) and thought that was the only method, that's also totally understandable, considering the attention and widespread use of CBT. And safe to say, that I can't possibly cover all 450+ here but I'll mention a few - so you know how I work but also so you get an idea of what's meant by talk therapy/counselling/psychotherapy and by methods/approaches/framework (because apparently, my industry likes to make everything super complicated and confusing for outsiders, which I don't find entirely ethical and, definitely, not helpful). Let's see if I can make things clear as mud here ;-) Let's start with some definitions...     In short, whether a practitioner is talking about a method or an approach or a framework, we're talking about a structured way and a system of working. As it says under 'approaches' - it's a way of dealing with a problem. And throughout the decades, different practitioners have found different ways to work with people. Some of them have had profound insights into the human psyche and have had access to an enormous amount of knowledge, while others have been busy projecting their own issues onto their clients or patients and drawing conclusions based on all sorts of unhelp biases. That’s how we end up with more than 450 methods/approaches/frameworks out there. And nothing wrong with that (except for the fact it’s a bit overwhelming and confusing to navigate around all the options). I’m, myself, working on my own framework called the Curious Questions Framework (CQF) of how to use curiosity as our superpower to be more compassionate and resolve our own internal issues, relationship issues and issues at the workplace (but, let’s not get into that now). In other words, different practitioners will work in different ways. They’ll apply different methods/approaches/frameworks to their way of working and with their clients. These methods can be both practical, structured ways of working like Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) which is based on the concept of identifying your thoughts, your feelings and your behaviours and by becoming aware of which thoughts, feelings and behaviours aren’t helpful and which you’d like to change, the practitioner will start to work towards having more helpful thoughts by, perhaps, challenging your existing thinking and perspective. Others will use CBT but also have a philosophical framework added to their practice, so for example, in Denmark it’s still a widespread thought method to think of mentally ill people as being broken and they might ask and talk about ‘what’s wrong with you’. Whereas, there’s a different (thankfully, growing) way of thinking when it comes to working with mental illness and disorders which is to say ‘what happened to you?’ and examine which external factors impacted your mental health. So, the focus is no longer on you being broken, crazy or wrong but rather on something that happened in your life that shouldn’t and your brain had an understandable reaction to this event (usually, trauma of some sort whether that be abuse or being bullied at school). There was recently an article in a Danish newspaper, where someone with an eating disorder said she was tired of the focus being on what was wrong with her and measuring her mental health based on the number on a scale. She wanted the mental health professionals to ask what happened for her to develop an eating disorder and what’s wrong with our society that creates these problems for people. This is a way of working and thinking that I feel very passionately about. The so-called ‘medical model’ has caused so much stigma and problems and prolonged people’s pain by insisting on a medical explanation for mental health problems, such as the chemical imbalance myth (I won’t go into that here, but if you Google that term, you’ll get a lot of articles about it). I’m not here to say that there isn’t or can’t be a genetic or biological reason for someone’s struggles (though the evidence of this is lacking and problematic at best) and I’m certainly not here to suggest that medicine can’t help (despite the issues around research in this area), but what I am interested in, is in having helpful conversations were we, especially us practitioners but also society as a whole, reduce or remove stigma instead of adding to it without outdated ways of thinking and talking to each other. Even if there was solid proof of a biological basis for a mental health problem, is it helpful to focus on that instead of focusing on how to get better, how to improve, how it makes the person feel, and make them feel understood, accepted and loved regardless? Back to actual, structured methods… The likelihood of there being a method out there that suits your unique self is high but you have to know that you can and are allowed to search for this to be able to find it. If you’re highly spiritual and it’s important to you that your belief system is respected and taken into account when talking to a therapist, then you should go and seek someone who understands and respects these beliefs. And if you are a person of science and evidence-based methods, then you should find someone who offers this kind of approach. There is no therapist in the world who can accommodate every single person out there and who knows all the methods that exist, able to apply just the right one for your unique self. You’ll have to do some of that work yourself. If you’re dealing with complex trauma and you’re in a place where it’s impacting your sleep and eating, your quality of life, and your relationship with yourself and with others, you really should go and see someone who specialises in trauma. Not a ‘trauma-informed’ therapist, nor necessarily a psychologist, but someone who’s trained in trauma-specific methods like EMDR, or if you’re wanting to quit smoking and believe in the power of suggestion, you should perhaps try a hypnotherapist (and no, they don’t take control of your mind or anything sinister like that. You’re fully conscious and in control, all the time, unless, perhaps, if you go and see Darren Brown). If you prefer something more practical CBT might be your thing. However, if you’re dealing with issues from your past (which can be trauma related without you being traumatised – most of us will have experienced trauma in our lives. Some people talk about trauma with a small t such as bullying, divorce, or physical health problems and then there is trauma with a big T such as abuse, neglect, war, violence, etc) or if you’re dealing with systemic issues such as discrimination or racism, CBT can be problematic as it puts the full responsibility on the individual and ignores society’s role. Likewise, if you know you tend to intellectualise things and not feel your emotions, CBT might help you sustain an unhelpful way of living rather than help you get in touch with your emotions so that you can work through them. If you like to be listened to, feel validated and have a mirror held up, try someone who’s person-centred, or if you’d like something that’s quite perspective, maybe solution-focused therapy is your jam. If you’re a creative person and you like to journal or draw or otherwise think outside the box, find a creative practitioner. If you hope to get a diagnosis and medicine, we’re not talking method as much as the right practitioner and you should talk to your doctor and get referred to a (clinical) psychologist or psychiatrist. And if you’re wanting to improve in your career, become a better team leader or manager or get your team to excel at work, maybe a coach is more your thing. Here are the methods I offer and apply (interchangeably, rather than strictly one method per session). Person-centred
At the core of my practice lies the person-centred approach. Carl Rogers is quite a famous fella among us counsellors, and he invented the 'person-centred' way of working with clients, to challenge other therapeutic methods like Freud's psychoanalytical style. The name kind of gives it away - the client is at the centre of attention. It's based on listening a lot, reflecting back feelings to the client and offering unconditional positive regard, empathy and congruence. Mighty fancy words, right? Unconditional Positive Regard is the basic acceptance and support of a person regardless of what the person says or does, especially in the context of client-centred therapy. Empathy is the ability to understand and share another person's feelings and shouldn't be misunderstood as 'sympathy' which refers more to feeling pity for someone. Pity is saying "I feel so sorry for you", whereas empathy is more like saying "I can understand why you reacted like that. I'd find that situation very difficult to handle too." Cognitive-behaviour Therapy
I'm both a big fan and big critic of the CBT approach. As you can read above, I think CBT is a very handy and practical way to address some basic issues, like obsessive or compulsive thoughts but I also think it's hugely lacking in addressing past and systemic issues. It's becoming more widely known that CBT isn't a great method for neurodivergent people.
Cognition is the mental action or process of acquiring knowledge and understanding through thought, experience, and the senses. So what is going on in your head - your thoughts and feelings. Behaviour obviously refers to your behaviour, as in your reaction to things but also your bodily/physical reaction. CBT is often done by walking through a specific situation (see below) and try to come up with alternative explanations to find more healthy thoughts, feelings and behavoiurs to a situation. CBT is supported by giving clients worksheets to fill out at home, such as a thought diary, to monitor where thoughts and emotions might become unhelpful to behaviours. It's a lot easier to explain in a handy diagram: 
The therapy part is when we think, feel and behave/react in a way that's problematic or unhealthy. So, for example, a person with depression, let's call them Joey, sees a friend on the street and waves. The friend doesn't wave back. Joey now thinks the friend doesn't like them and was ignoring them (thought). This can lead to further thoughts of worthlessness and being disliked by everybody (this is called 'black-and-white thinking'). Joey's heart starts racing and they feel flustered with burning cheeks and stinging eyes because they feel like crying (bodily reaction). This makes the emotion fly, and Joey feels hurt, sad, and rejected. By the time Joey gets home, they’re in a bad mood and shout at their partner, and may even go and hurt themselves, by self-harm by cutting, banging a head against a wall or drinking or taking drugs, to release some of the negative feelings (behaviour). CBT offers a way to analyse this pattern and offer alternative ways to react. Maybe the friend didn't see Joey, in which case there was no need to react so strongly. Even if the friend did ignore Joey, does that make Joey worthless? Is it correct for Joey to think that they’re disliked by all? What about their partner? (Here, the counsellor would be working with Joey's thoughts and presumptions - their cognition - to try and alter this black-and-white thinking). Could Joey do a few breathing exercises to calm down their bodily reactions before the emotions become too strong to control? When Joey comes home next time, after having had CBT, they might not feel quite so emotionally upset because they’ve been able to reason a bit more with themselves and they don’t shout at their partner but gets a hug instead and they don't feel like self-harming today (behaviour) because they controlled their thinking (cognition) and feelings and this helped to control their behaviour as well. Existential Therapy
Have you heard of Danish Søren Kirkegaard? He was a philosopher and the father of Existentialism. He, famously said: "Life can only be understood backwards, but must be lived forward." How many of us have said, "if only I'd known this when I was younger?"
Existentialism is a philosophical theory and approach, which emphasises the existence of the individual person as a free and responsible agent determining their own development through acts of the will (fancy, right? I stole that from Google's dictionary). Existentialism, as a philosophy, often focuses on the meaning of life and what our purpose on this Earth is, as it deals with the questions around our existence. Why are we here? What am I to do now? What happens when I die (and so, often, existentialism also focuses on the fear of death or our discomfort with mortality). Existentialism is a massive framework and many different philosophers, as well as practitioners, believe different things about this framework and, therefore, apply different methods. I tend to focus on these four aspects 1) The importance of responsibility and feeling like we’re responsible individuals with responsibility over something 2) Coming to an awareness or having an understanding of our version of what purpose and meaning is 3) Isolation versus connection 4) Being ok with our mortality. You may also be familiar with the term 'existential crisis' which is something we cal all go through at various different times of our lives. Here's what The School of Life has to say about that... Narrative Therapy
Michael White and David Epston came up with the framework ‘narrative therapy’ and David Drake created the framework ‘narrative coaching’, whereas I specialise in something I call ‘narrative practices’ borrowing from narrative therapy, coaching as well as psychology (neuroscience and evolutionary psychology), sociology, anthropology, creative means and much more. It’s about growing one’s awareness of the stories we tell ourselves and whether they’re helpful or hindering. It’s learning to write and re-write better narratives for ourselves and allowing the space, patience and compassion for seeing other people’s narratives, unique and separate as they are from our own stories and perspectives. In our first proper session (the one after the taster session) I will ask for your consent to tell me your life story as it helps me to see the 'narrative' you live in. Have you ever found that a sibling doesn't remember your childhood the same as you? That's because they have a different narrative, much like when you're arguing with your partner - it's because you don't see eye to eye because you each have a different narrative, a different story of what’s happened. Using narrative therapy is a way of working with 'your story' in life and during events, to become clear on your perspective, and add a different perspective to the mix, for example, or to change the story a little bit to open up your eyes to possibilities instead of limitations. Narrative therapy can also help externalise a problem, which can be very liberating and rewarding. Instead of thinking of ‘you’ as the problem, it’s about thinking about the problem as the problem. It’s not ‘you’ that’s anxious but rather that Anxiety has a hold of you and for us to examine what it’s doing to you, what it’s whispering, what it’s making you believe against your better judgement. And we might ‘thicken’ the story by adding forgotten or ignored layers to your story. For a long time, I told a story of being bullied as a child and how it gave me a ‘bad childhood’ and I was so blinded by this ‘thin’ story that I forgot all the good things that happened in my childhood as well. Once I’d ‘thickened’ the story it changed my whole relationship with my past and it helped me create a better narrative for my future as well. Transactional Analysis (TA)
T.A. can be a very powerful tool to bring into therapy and allows you to evaluate how you communicate with others and why, as well as how you feel about yourself in any given situation. These two videos do a great job of explaining it.
But there is lots more to TA than the PAC (Parent-Adult-Child) model shown in the two videos. Like, the beliefs, or scripts, we live by, like, ‘be perfect’, ‘be invisible’, ‘be strong’, ‘hurry up’, ‘don’t grow up’, ‘don’t exist’, ‘don’t feel’, ‘don’t think’, ‘don’t speak’, ‘don’t be important’, ‘don’t waste your life/time’ and so on. TA looks at ‘racket feelings’, so our ‘go-to’ feelings when things go wrong, may that be anger, sadness, frustration, blame or a number of other repeat feelings we picked up somewhere in childhood and are now, unconsciously, playing out over and over. TA also uses a framework called the ‘drama triangle’ which I’ve written an e-book about which you can get here. Psycho-educational means
In my article here I write about how psychology is a big and important factor. What that means is that I use science, data, research and evidence-based methods to inform my practice, including offering the people I work with educational tools and resources (what's called 'psycho-educational means'. I suspect, whoever came up with this word wanted to feel really clever, as it's certainly not a helpful layman's term). The ways that psychology informs my work is, by staying up-to-date with the current scientific beliefs around how we, as humans, work and how the world around us influences us. I also use neuroscience and evolutionary science to enhance people's experience of understanding themselves and their problems. You can read more about that here in my article You're Saner Than You Think. I hope this helped you get a bit clearer on ways to work in therapy and the ways that I work. If you were to add some thought to the Manual of You what might you think would work well for you? What might you like and why? If you have any questions, feel free to get in touch, or if you're wanting to book a heavily discounted taster session, click below... Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed this article. If you did, or didn't, or want to add something or have a question, feel free to comment below (but try and be kind about it - I'm a terribly sensitive soul).
Don't forget that this is just my opinion. You don't have to agree. These pieces of writing are just here to make you think and take from it what you like and find helpful and ignore the rest. At the end of the day, it's your life and, therefore, what you consume, what you believe, and what you think and feel is your choice. Also, this article has been brought to you by a perfectly imperfect, flawsome dyslexic. I hope any potential spelling or grammar mistakes didn't take away from your enjoyment. Hello, Beautiful Thinkers... You’ve found someone who knows how to listen to you, like, really, deeply listen to you and make you feel safe, understood, accepted and validated. It’s this beautiful hour you have together and you come out feeling elated, even when it’s been a hard session full of tears because you’ve felt so listened to. You might also have found out a few things about your therapist, like things you have in common – a love of books, sailing, or travelling on trains. You realise that your therapist might be the best friend you’ve always wanted! Or, if not even that, you just want to give back. Thank them for all their help – give them a present or invite them to the wedding that wouldn’t have happened without their help! Or, you might even have developed romantic feelings for them. Without all the hardships you’ve had, romantically, isn’t it possible that this therapist is your dream person? The one that makes you feel so good about yourself, who understands all your shortcomings but doesn’t make you feel bad about them and who you can trust to be fully open and honest with. But, how to bring this up? I’m really sorry to be the one to tell you that you don’t. Even if you feel sure that the therapist feels the same way (and to be honest, often we do!) Why not then? The short answer – it’s not ethical. But that’s not a very satisfying answer, right? Because what does that even mean? It will mean different things to different people. If you’re what would be termed a ‘vulnerable person’ you might be easy to take advantage of and a bad and unethical therapist might do exactly that. If they accept your invitation for friendship, social engagement or a romantic relationship, they are most likely predators in disguise as a caring professionals. And if they offer friendship, socialising or, worse, sex or romance, they are definitely out to harm you. But, why can’t you be friends with the good therapists? The ones that really have your best interest at heart? For one, you don’t actually know them. A therapist – a good therapist – won’t share much or anything of themselves in sessions. So, what you’re liking so much about them isn’t really about them but how they make you feel. Therapists will be highly opinionated and emotional beings outside of the therapy room so where you might find them highly compassionate and kind and understanding and accepting, they might not be in their private lives. Also, what do you think happens when the attention is no longer on you in the friendship but you have to hear them complain about their family, partners and friends? Are you up for supporting them too and do you think you can hold them in the same high regard once you see them as the flawed human that they are? You might also, temporarily, forget that they know a lot about you and your personal and private life. Do you really want them to mingle with your friends and family with everything they know? To be in the same room as your partner when they know intimate details about your sex life? To be face-to-face with your best friend when the therapist knows you’ve slept with her partner behind her back? Do you think it’ll feel good when everything that makes therapy so special – the confidentiality, the safe space, the undivided attention on you, the privacy of sessions – is now no more and you start to share a space outside of the therapy room? What now, when your therapist has a right, as your friend, to comment on your life and life decisions? To offer advice based on their own life, as normal friends do? When they know far more about you than you do them? And, obviously, there’s no going back either. If you allow a therapist into your private life (which is sometimes common within the coaching world) you can’t go back to having a one-sided, therapeutic relationship later and you’ll have to find a new therapist. Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed this article. If you did, or didn't, or want to add something or have a question, feel free to comment below (but try and be kind about it - I'm a terribly sensitive soul).
Don't forget that this is just my opinion. You don't have to agree. These pieces of writing are just here to make you think and take from it what you like and find helpful and ignore the rest. At the end of the day, it's your life and, therefore, what you consume, what you believe, and what you think and feel is your choice. Also, this article has been brought to you by a perfectly imperfect, flawsome dyslexic. I hope any potential spelling or grammar mistakes didn't take away from your enjoyment. Hello, Beautiful Thinkers... I’m one of the talk practitioners who only works with people ready, willing and able to engage in talk therapy. Not every practitioner out there will agree with this stance so if you’re reading this and you think ‘this doesn’t apply to me, does that mean I can’t get help?’ – don’t worry, the beauty of you being your unique self is that there is also a unique practitioner out there who’s best suited for you, it might just not be me. Ready – it might seem quite self-explanatory but a surprising amount of people wanting change in their lives aren’t actually ready. But being ready can mean many things. It can be that they’re not ready to commit time-wise to therapy. Much like, if you wanted to get fit, but you only wanted to dedicate one hour once a month to it, you’re unlikely to see any significant results. And I don’t say that because I want your money and want you to commit to seeing me once a week for the next few years. Because, you can get fit by hiring a personal trainer you see once a month (or less, or not at all) as you as you keep going to the gym and applying what you know about getting fit. But if you just sit on the sofa, hoping you’ll get fit by watching exercise videos, you’ll be sorely disappointed. Likewise, if you were to only talk to a personal trainer about your fitness programme every week, you still won’t get fit if you don’t actually apply the training programme. So, being ready to talk to a practitioner like me, doesn’t necessarily mean making the time to see me weekly, but it does mean taking your change process seriously and wanting to apply yourself, wanting to make changes in your life and having the time to do so. Because, if you work full-time and you’re a mum of two, and you’re doing most of the housework and you think going to the gym is more important than taking care of your mental health, then you might, realistically, not have the time to apply what you learn when talking to someone like me. And there’s no shame in that. There’s no judgement from me. All I’m saying is that you have to be ready – ready to commit, ready to do the work, ready to step into discomfort and apply changes. Because if you don’t change anything, nothing will change. Willing – again, it’s pretty explanatory and relates to my first point about being ready. But again, sometimes we think we’re ready and then when it comes to making difficult choices, we’re just not ready. And again, there is zero shame in that and no judgement on my part. I’ve been there! I’ve been the one desperately wanting life to change, really wanting to feel better about myself but I wasn’t willing to face the facts of what was making me unhappy and change it. I was in a relationship where I felt lonely and unaccepted which made me feel unloved a lot of the time but I was also so in love and so worried about living a life alone that I refused to acknowledge that my problems stemmed from the relationship I was in. I wasn’t willing to go there. Even when my body started to shut down, physically as well, I still refused to acknowledge the role of my relationship. Working with me I don’t expect you to be ready and willing to blow up your entire life. But I do expect you to be willing to face some hard truths even if you’re not ready to make any changes yet. To be willing to acknowledge your role in your stuckness. To be willing to talk about it and not avoid uncomfortable conversations and feelings. Again, not all practitioners will share this stance, so if you’re having any kind of negative feelings towards me or my words as you read this, I’m probably not the right person for you. And there’ll be someone else, ready and willing to work with you and hold you where you’re currently at and what you’re needing but you also have to be honest with yourself about what you’re wanting to get from talk therapy – no shame, and no judgement – is it simply someone to listen with no changes applied? Is it someone who’ll push you and challenge you? Is it someone who’ll teach you new perspectives? Is it advice or a compassionate ear? Be honest with yourself so you can find the perfect match for you and your needs at this moment in time. Able – this one is tricky! Able can mean many things. Are you able to financially cover therapy? Are you able to physically and mentally apply changes just now? Are you able to find the time to commit to this process? Are you in a relationship or family dynamic where you’re able to attend therapy? Are you in a situation where there’s external support to help you during your therapeutic journey? Are you able to do the work? If you had to make an entry in the Manual of You, what might you put down under each category
Are you ready, willing and able to change? Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed this article. If you did, or didn't, or want to add something or have a question, feel free to comment below (but try and be kind about it - I'm a terribly sensitive soul).
Don't forget that this is just my opinion. You don't have to agree. These pieces of writing are just here to make you think and take from it what you like and find helpful and ignore the rest. At the end of the day, it's your life and, therefore, what you consume, what you believe, and what you think and feel is your choice. Also, this article has been brought to you by a perfectly imperfect, flawsome dyslexic. I hope any potential spelling or grammar mistakes didn't take away from your enjoyment.
If you have friends you feel you can open up to and talk about your personal problems, that’s fantastic! Enjoy and make the most of this wonderful connection (while also being mindful to not use them as free therapy and that friendship is about give-and-take and is, therefore, reciprocal. No one likes to feel used. However, the thing about friends is that, as I just mentioned, they’d also like attention and sooner or later you’re going to have to listen to them too. And maybe you’re totally up for that (I hope so for their sake) but other times, when we’re going through a really hard time, it can be difficult to listen to other people’s problems. Whereas a therapist won’t be burdening you with their issues and you don’t have to ask about their day and their feelings during a session. It’s this glorious hour that’s all about you! Now, for some, that’s not actually all that glorious and they get self-conscious and feel selfish and self-centred. For those, it’s, perhaps, even more, important to talk to a therapist because it indicates a life of service and never being given the space to speak about themselves and feel heard, seen and understood. And that’s a crying shame. It feels wonderful to be truly listened to. Because that’s the other thing about friends. They tend to listen to answer. A truly great listener, like a therapist, listens to understand. When we, or our friends, listen to answer, it’s about giving either advice or turning the conversation back on us/them. Again, there’s nothing wrong with a friend who turns the conversation back on them – that’s friendship – back-and-forth but with a therapist, you don’t have that (but also, if a friend always makes it about themselves, they may not be very good friends and they may have narcissistic tendencies. Having said that, they might also be neurodivergent and wants to show how deeply they relate to you and your story by sharing a similar story. You can tell the difference between whether the person is really nice and has good intentions or whether the person tends to take advantage of you and tends to always have to ‘win’ whether it’s at being better than you or by having suffered more than you, as in ‘you think you have it bad, listen to my story…!) Listening to give advice can often make us feel unheard and unheld (what does it mean to not be held… well, it’s to not feel like you’re being taken good care of within the relationship. Is the person holding your hand or dragging you along?) (I’ll be writing an article about the perils of giving advice so keep an eye out for that one but also I’ve written a whole e-book about it which you can find here). Your friends will also have your back. They often forget to have a measured overview of the problem or consider multiple perspectives, so if you tell them that your partner has been a dick to you, they tend to become your cheerleader and hate on the partner. That can feel really nice at the time but if you then change your mind about your partner being a dick, you might feel awkward around your friend who you complained to. Might worry they judge your partner, your relationship or your decisions. A therapist doesn’t do that. It’s not their job. They’ll have your back but not blindly. They are there to support you in living the life you want and not the life they think you ought to live. And even if you do feel awkward about something you said in therapy, you could stop seeing the therapist whereas it’s harder to cut off a good friendship. And if you’re complaining about your family or partner or another friend to a friend, you might find yourself in the awkward position of the friend interacting with the people you’ve moaned about which again won’t happen with a therapist. They’re neutral, impartial and best of all, not involved in your daily life. Once you close that door (or Zoom call) with the therapist, they don’t have access to anything else or anything more. What you’ve said and that relationship belongs in a neat container, inside a pre-arranged day and time and for an hour. Now, what can happen is that we think our therapists would make an excellent friend and we might want to know more about them or hope they can stay friends after therapy, which they, sadly, can’t. I’ve written an article about that here. Finally, talking to a friend doesn't guartentee confidentiality nor their undivided attention, both which are core pillars of therapy. Friends might have biased views and say really hurtful or unhelpful things like 'just get over it' or 'why are you still hung up about that?' which a therapist won't. They're usually not qualified to help with mental health issues and can make you feel ashamed or judged and, thereby, make you feel worse. Or you might fear judgement and, therefore, won't be fully honest, whereas in therapy, it might be hard to honest but it's a much safer space to be so in. What do you think might be different for you in talking to a friend versus talking to a professional therapist? When might a friend be more helpful and when might a therapist? Do you see the pros and cons of each? Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed this article. If you did, or didn't, or want to add something or have a question, feel free to comment below (but try and be kind about it - I'm a terribly sensitive soul).
Don't forget that this is just my opinion. You don't have to agree. These pieces of writing are just here to make you think and take from it what you like and find helpful and ignore the rest. At the end of the day, it's your life and, therefore, what you consume, what you believe, and what you think and feel is your choice. Also, this article has been brought to you by a perfectly imperfect, flawsome dyslexic. I hope any potential spelling or grammar mistakes didn't take away from your enjoyment.
Oh my gosh, you have no idea how eager counsellors and psychotherapists are to shed the mystique around what we do behind closed doors! If nothing else, because it's good for business. All this secrecy and societal stigma are not good for our business model! But, perhaps, we only have ourselves to blame. In the counselling world, it’s all very much about secrecy – ensuring our clients' confidentiality, the negativity surrounding counsellors’ disclosure of personal information and how we’re notoriously bad at social media. Unlike, say life coaches, who cannot shut up long enough to hear anything but their own voice (this is a gross and unfair statement but it is also accurate for the likes of American self-help guru Anthony Robbins, motivational speaker Mel Robbins (not related) and the many self-trained relationships, anxiety, and various life coaches on TikTok and Instagram, so busy making reels I wonder when they have time to work with clients). It’s a lot easier to find the ‘heart-breaking’ details of Tony Robbins’ tough childhood online – as documented by himself – than it is to find the details of Carl Roger’s personal life (founding father of the person-centred framework and one of the most influential psychotherapists in the world) (you can find details about his personal life but they’re not from him delivering this information on a stage, surrounded by thousands of people but rather uncovered by nosy biographers). Tony Robbins doesn’t shy away from giving you advice and telling you how to live your life, nor share many stories about himself as well as share stories of the people he’s worked with. Indeed, he’s famous for his weekend intensives where any member of the audience can have their intimate details exposed at any minute. This is the opposite of what goes on in counselling. In counselling it’s all about you, your needs, your pace, your right to withhold or share information, about confidentiality and about the counsellor staying impartial, objective and neutral. Why is that? Why are we so secretive? What we do, say and share can impact the client's journey. For example, if your counsellor tells you that she'll have to cancel a few sessions because of her cancer treatment, you may withhold information about fearing death or about the lump you’ve found. Or if your counsellor lets it slip that she can't have a child, you may not want to talk about how much you hate children and feel pressured into having them by your partner, or indeed of your infertility because you worry about upsetting your counsellor. Whereas, in the coaching industry, your personal story is your selling point. The more pain and obstacles the coach has faced, the better! It's a motivational story of how YOU can overcome your stuff too and be a big, raging success, just like your overpriced coach. They'll also flaunt their private pictures on social media to show you the life YOU could have if only you signed them up as your coach. Now, there's a big difference between each counsellor/psychotherapist out there - huge! As well as coaches. Many of my dearest friends are quiet, private people, many without any social media platform, so I cannot account for all of them but safe to say, each to their own. Some counsellors will find it hideously wrong for a client to know ANYTHING about their private life, like if they're married or have children. There are debates online, on counselling forums, whether you're allowed to tell your clients you're going on holiday or whether you should just tell them that you're closed. Are you allowed to tell them you're getting married, or will that disturb them too much, if they're dealing with a breakup? No one agrees. Some counsellors think it's wrong to portray any facial expressions during a session as to not give away any emotional state to a client and potentially influence them in some way or form or give them the wrong idea (I once winched at a client’s story. They thought the winch was because I was judging their poor choices, whereas, it was meant to display my deep empathy for their problems) and some counsellors find humour a big no-no. After all, you might be a 'people-pleaser' and if I laugh at one of your jokes, or show amusement on my face, you might start playing up to that to gain my approval and I will have provoked your people-pleasing tendencies instead of helping you overcome them. Some counsellors won't say much, but expect you to do all the talking; some will give you homework; some will talk to you like a friend. What goes on behind closed doors for each counsellor/psychotherapist or indeed coach out there, I cannot tell you, but I can tell you this:
For me, I want someone friendly and warm, someone who is qualified, someone with a few years of experience, someone who will show a bit of themselves to me, so I feel like I'm having a human-to-human connection. They'd need to be integrative in their approach (meaning, they don't just use one, rigid approach). They'd need to share some of my values in life which I'd try and figure out via their website or during an initial meeting. When you come to see me, you can expect a joint, reflective conversation. I won't expect you to do all the talking, and I will assume you'd like to hear some of my ideas about the things you've said, but I will expect you to do most of the talking. I'll be friendly, warm and approachable. Trust is essential for the relationship to work, so I'll do my best to ensure you that I'm a trustworthy person, in how I act, speak and via the confidentiality clause in my contract. I'll respect you and make you feel understood and accepted in the room, but I will also challenge you when you talk or think in unhealthy ways. I'll ask lots of personal questions and some of them will hit hard and deep. I will support you and help guide you, but I'm not someone who will give you the answers or solutions. Why not? Because my ideas of a solution or answer, won't be yours, and I need to respect your needs, and I'll do that by helping you discover your own answers, needs and solutions Often when we see a talk therapist, it's because we're feeling a bit lost and maybe a bit unsure about who we are and what direction we want to be going. This sense of inner confusion often stems from parents telling us how to live, teachers telling us how to be and think, peers pressuring us into doing certain things and so on. The last thing you need is to pay me to also tell you how to think, feel and behave! I'm here to help you find that out for yourself so you can gain confidence in your own voice and opinions. We'll talk about whatever you like, and we can focus on the past, present or future as you see fit. However, if you tell me too many irrelevant details, if you start doing small-talk and updating me about your day-to-day life, I will ask you if you're trying to avoid talking about the heavy stuff and why that might be. After all, friends are GREAT for small talk - talk therapists, not so much. We're in it for the deep stuff! Speaking of friends, why can't you just talk to a good friend about your stuff? Well, I wholeheartedly encourage you to! There are just a few problems with that sometimes. Friends are amazing but none of us are taught how to really listen to understand someone. We're taught how to listen in order to answer. Ever noticed that when you're telling someone about a bad day or an awful situation, they're super keen on giving you advice on how to deal with it or fix it? But that's not really what you wanted. That's because they're listening to answer and not listening to understand. Also, friends haven't necessarily figured out life themselves, so they're likely to offer you unhelpful advice that's based on their own unhelpful ways of thinking about life. Friends are also great champions, so they're quick to defend you and use nasty language against anyone who's hurt you. And that is truly awesome when you're in a bad mood. It's just not very useful for resolving a situation. If you want to moan about your partner to a friend and they say "Oh yeah, she/he is so selfish. Such an a**hole. You really should just leave." It can quickly feel awkward when you don't leave and stay with this person your friend has declared an a**hole! A therapist won't do that. They'll stay impartial. They'll listen and validate your feelings and story and then they'll offer you an alternative way of seeing things. And best of all, if you moan about your partner, mother and boss, your therapist will never meet any of them in real life! Awkwardness avoided! Behind closed doors, we're just fellow human beings. We've had our own issues and we're dealing with life's challenges as well, but the session will be about you and not us. You don't need to worry about offending us, saying the 'wrong' thing, or about pleasing us or entertaining us. You don't have to censor yourself, and you don't have to be polite. If you like to swear, swear, but don't be too surprised if your therapist joins in to show you that they get it. Behind closed doors, you'll be respected and not judged - even if you think you'll be judged because you've cheated, or because you've lied, or because you've hit your children. We get it. We get that life just gets overwhelming and tough. We might not agree with your actions, but that doesn't mean we don't get them, and that we can't empathise (see the world through your eyes) or sympathise (feel sorry for you). We won't think you're a bad person for what you've done but we might suggest that your actions weren't very helpful to you or those around you. We're good at keeping secrets but we do have our legal limits, so always check out a therapist's confidentiality clause (I’ll email you mine along with the contract before we start working together). We won't become your friend outside the counselling space but we will be cheering you on inside of it. We will even think about you out side of sessions, wondering how you're getting on - did you get that promotion? Did you have that chat with your partner? Did you call your dad? And we'll be reading up on ways to help you better next time or to understand your specific problem better. And we will really like you. That's another one of those unspoken things in the counselling world, but we really will because we get the honour of seeing all of your - warts and all - and we're rather addicted to 'authenticity' and honest, raw, realness. We won't think your issues are too small or too complicated. We won't find it unbearable to hear about your traumas - not because we don't care, but because we're trained in dealing with that sort of stuff, and also, people tend to think their problems are very dramatic and we've likely heard far worse (sadly). The most important thing overall is that you find someone who suits you and your needs. If you don't like them, don't blame yourself - they're just not your kind of person. Talk therapy can be so wonderful, so do yourself a favour and don't give up on experiencing that connection. There are plenty of therapists to go around! Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed this article. If you did, or didn't, or want to add something or have a question, feel free to comment below (but try and be kind about it - I'm a terribly sensitive soul).
Don't forget that this is just my opinion. You don't have to agree. These pieces of writing are just here to make you think and take from it what you like and find helpful and ignore the rest. At the end of the day, it's your life and, therefore, what you consume, what you believe, and what you think and feel is your choice. Also, this article has been brought to you by a perfectly imperfect, flawsome dyslexic. I hope any potential spelling or grammar mistakes didn't take away from your enjoyment. |
|
The Manual of You CVR 42444182
Copyright (c) 2023 Teri Kansted @ The Manual of You(TM) |
|
