I work with autistic adults and we often discuss the cost of emotional labour. That might look like this: The emotional labour of showing up at work, pretending to fit in and that the work conditions are okay, is high. However, the emotional labour of having to disclose that you’re autistic, when you don’t want to, and explain your needs to your manager, or others, to have them met – having to share private information to be allowed to be you - is also very high. It's not a matter of which option is better or has less emotional labour attached. It’s about calculating which emotional labour will benefit you the most in the long run, despite the immediate costs. Often, it seems easier to persevere than out oneself. Often, it seems easier to disregard one's mental health and needs than to ask for them to be respected and met by others. But that's not just relevant to autistic people, is it? In all our daily choices there is an emotional cost and we tend to choose based on what will offer us the most immediate pleasure and reduce pain – but in the short term. The straw that broke the camel's back was a short-term decision based on the easy way out in the moment, based on pleasure over pain, avoidance over confrontation. But it, nevertheless, broke the camel’s back so was it the best decision in the long run? Emotional labour may not be paid but it certainly comes at a high cost. What's the story you’re telling yourself, and is it helpful or hindering? Remember though, with whatever you read online, take what you like and leave the rest because it's your life and, therefore, your choice of how to live it. After all, this is the Manual of YOU! Until next time, take care, stay safe - and sane - make kind choices and stay flawsome! Don’t forget, you’re fucking brilliant! (This was written by a human – a dyslexic one at that! Yay!) #CultureOfImperfection #GenerousContribution #RadicalKindness #EthicalLiving #ConnectingCommunities #ReframingNarratives #TheManualOfYou #YourLifeYourChoice
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In the coaching industry, there's a saying that the client is whole, resourceful and creative. As a counsellor, I think of some of the individuals I've spoken to who've described themselves as broken, clueless and useless. I ponder how a mantra like that - theirs as well as the coaching industry's - impact their mental state. Their mantra makes them feel bad but the coaching industry's mantra might make them feel even worse. Some research suggests that if we try and make ourselves believe something that is too far away from our self-view it can cause even more damage as we now feel like liars. So I may think my clients are whole, resourceful and creative but I don’t offer them this mantra if I think they’ll disagree. I offer this, silently, to my clients and friends and the homeless person I pass on the street: I believe in you. I believe in your potential and capabilities to feel whole and complete because that's how you felt when you were born. I know you're resourceful, I see it, we just need to get you to see it too. And we're all creative, we may not all think our creativity yields beauty but we can all sway to music, all smear paint whether on a wall, canvas or face, all put words together that spell out understandable sentences, we can all interact with an instrument to make sounds, even if it’s awful. Creativity isn't about the result, it's about the process. It changed my relationship with my worldview to believe in others' wholeness, resourcefulness and creativity. I don't need to voice it to know it. I believe that viewing people as whole, resourceful and creative makes my interaction with them healing on its own, without words, compared to if I interacted with them believing the opposite. I wonder what it'd do to your worldview if you were to do the same? What's the story you’re telling yourself, and is it helpful or hindering? Remember though, with whatever you read online, take what you like and leave the rest because it's your life and, therefore, your choice of how to live it. After all, this is the Manual of YOU! Until next time, take care, stay safe - and sane - make kind choices and stay flawsome! Don’t forget, you’re fucking brilliant! (This was written by a human – a dyslexic one at that! Yay!) #CultureOfImperfection #GenerousContribution #RadicalKindness #EthicalLiving #ConnectingCommunities #ReframingNarratives #TheManualOfYou #YourLifeYourChoice Conformity is fitting into a neat, socially prescribed box. Tick the box to let others know which box you fit into... Gender, sexuality, disability, political affiliation, employment status, relationship status... Many resent being assigned a box and yet, struggle to break free from it. Because, you know what, living inside a box can feel pretty damn good because it's safe. But it's also restrictive. However, do you know what else a box offers? A great vantage point for looking over the sides and seeing what else is out there. You can have the safety of your box, while also gathering information about the world beyond, see what you like, and reject what you don't until you're ready to create your own weird-shaped container. What's the story you’re telling yourself, and is it helpful or hindering? Remember though, with whatever you read online, take what you like and leave the rest because it's your life and, therefore, your choice of how to live it. After all, this is the Manual of YOU! Until next time, take care, stay safe - and sane - make kind choices and stay flawsome! Don’t forget, you’re fucking brilliant! (This was written by a human – a dyslexic one at that! Yay!) #CultureOfImperfection #GenerousContribution #RadicalKindness #EthicalLiving #ConnectingCommunities #ReframingNarratives #TheManualOfYou #YourLifeYourChoice You can be anything you want and you can have everything that you want and you can be everything 100% of the time to everyone – the best parent, colleague, partner, friend, lover, fixer, thinker and hobbyist without compromise. And if you believe that, you’re allowed to but you have a hard life ahead of you. I’m choosing to call this capitalism’s greatest April Fools. What's the story you’re telling yourself, and is it helpful or hindering? Remember though, with whatever you read online, take what you like and leave the rest because it's your life and, therefore, your choice of how to live it. After all, this is the Manual of YOU! Until next time, take care, stay safe - and sane - make kind choices and stay flawsome! Don’t forget, you’re fucking brilliant! (This was written by a human – a dyslexic one at that! Yay!) #CultureOfImperfection #GenerousContribution #RadicalKindness #EthicalLiving #ConnectingCommunities #ReframingNarratives #TheManualOfYou #YourLifeYourChoice "She stopped having sex with me 6 months ago. I found out she calls her ex all the time. They reconnected 6 months ago." What's your conclusion? "My sister died 6 months ago. My partner doesn't relate. I feel deeply depressed and lonely. My ex got in touch when he found out. He lost his brother when he was a teen. He gets it. It's nice." What's your conclusion now? Careful buying into half a story. Even if it's a trusted friend who's the storyteller. What's the story you’re telling yourself, and is it helpful or hindering? Remember though, with whatever you read online, take what you like and leave the rest because it's your life and, therefore, your choice of how to live it. After all, this is the Manual of YOU! Until next time, take care, stay safe - and sane - make kind choices and stay flawsome! Don’t forget, you’re fucking brilliant! (This was written by a human – a dyslexic one at that! Yay!) #CultureOfImperfection #GenerousContribution #RadicalKindness #EthicalLiving #ConnectingCommunities #ReframingNarratives #TheManualOfYou #YourLifeYourChoice Am I living my best life? Will my life have an impact on this world? What is my purpose? What if I regret wasting my potential in this one life? These are some of the BIG existential questions and they are frequent in the counselling and coaching space. For me it boils down to two things: 1) Does it bring me joy? 2) Does my thinking or goal come from a place of expansiveness and love, or limited thinking and negative feelings (like, comparison, perfectionism or judgement)? Following these two rules, you may not have an impact at all but you're a heck of a lot more likely to die loved and with a smile on your face. What's the story you’re telling yourself, and is it helpful or hindering? Remember though, with whatever you read online, take what you like and leave the rest because it's your life and, therefore, your choice of how to live it. After all, this is the Manual of YOU! Until next time, take care, stay safe - and sane - make kind choices and stay flawsome! Don’t forget, you’re fucking brilliant! (This was written by a human – a dyslexic one at that! Yay!) #CultureOfImperfection #GenerousContribution #RadicalKindness #EthicalLiving #ConnectingCommunities #ReframingNarratives #TheManualOfYou #YourLifeYourChoice Adam Grant writes in Think Again that the path to embracing mistakes is to remember mistakes are essential for progress. Jeff Bezos said that people who are often right listen a lot and they change their minds frequently. If you don't change your mind frequently, you're going to be wrong, a lot. Change your relationship to mistakes and being wrong and you'll change your life. What's the story you’re telling yourself, and is it helpful or hindering? Remember though, with whatever you read online, take what you like and leave the rest because it's your life and, therefore, your choice of how to live it. After all, this is the Manual of YOU! Until next time, take care, stay safe - and sane - make kind choices and stay flawsome! Don’t forget, you’re fucking brilliant! (This was written by a human – a dyslexic one at that! Yay!) #CultureOfImperfection #GenerousContribution #RadicalKindness #EthicalLiving #ConnectingCommunities #ReframingNarratives #TheManualOfYou #YourLifeYourChoice Big organisations, small businesses, romantic relationships, family dinners, the classroom... We bring disruptive energy into every space we enter, projecting our insecurities onto others and then blaming them for what we see in them which is our mirrored reflection. We mix and match, bringing the frustration of work home, and the annoyances with the other half into the boardroom. We transfer our family interaction onto our patients, clients, customers and pupils. We read the news and rant on social media because our limited viewpoint isn't represented and holding others accountable for our lack of speaking up or making a difference. We blame, we blame, we blame. We point, we react, we judge. But where is the act of taking responsibility for the energy we bring? For the projections and assumptions? For our inability to understand and manage our own emotions? For forcing our under-researched and biased opinions upon others? Knowing what are our assumptions, hang-ups, insecurities, fears and problems are, is rare. Noticing when we project instead of acknowledging our emotions as ours is rarer. Taking responsibility is seldom role-modelled at home, at school, in governments or politics, on the news or on social media. How are we supposed to know better? Because we recognise it in others. We blame others for doing 'it'. We know what ‘it’ looks like when done to us. You looked at the image and thought: "I know someone who does that!" But did you look at the image and think: "I do that!"? When are you going to role model emotional containment yourself and be the change you wish to see? What's the story you’re telling yourself, and is it helpful or hindering? Remember though, with whatever you read online, take what you like and leave the rest because it's your life and, therefore, your choice of how to live it. After all, this is the Manual of YOU! Until next time, take care, stay safe - and sane - make kind choices and stay flawsome! Don’t forget, you’re fucking brilliant! (This was written by a human – a dyslexic one at that! Yay!) #CultureOfImperfection #GenerousContribution #RadicalKindness #EthicalLiving #ConnectingCommunities #ReframingNarratives #TheManualOfYou #YourLifeYourChoice I saw a client the other day. They'd been intensely anxious about a potential punishment. The quick solution would be to seek out the punisher and ask if trouble was on its way or not. But that wasn't the right solution, or the best, for this problem. Because it wasn't the problem that was the problem - it wasn't whether or not they'd get punished that really mattered. The real problem was the reasons they feared the potential of punishment so much - the problem of being found out; of having been found guilty of making a mistake; of not being good enough; the fear of judgement. Now, it might seem a logical move to focus on this fear and address whether other people's judgement matter or not. But again, is that really the best or right solution? Because the problem isn't really other people's judgement, or other people not thinking we're good enough, or that other people know we've guilty of mistakes. The real problem is our relationship with ourselves - the Top Judge. After all, if you like yourself enough to accept yourself, flaws and all, and if you like yourself enough to think you're good enough as you are, you won't fear other people's judgement the same. You won't fear being 'found out' because you're already living authentically you. You've come out of the closet as imperfect and you're not shaming yourself for it. The problem is seldom the problem and sometimes the solution isn't the real solution either. Dig deeper. What's the story you’re telling yourself, and is it helpful or hindering? Remember though, with whatever you read online, take what you like and leave the rest because it's your life and, therefore, your choice of how to live it. After all, this is the Manual of YOU! Until next time, take care, stay safe - and sane - make kind choices and stay flawsome! Don’t forget, you’re fucking brilliant! (This was written by a human – a dyslexic one at that! Yay!) #CultureOfImperfection #GenerousContribution #RadicalKindness #EthicalLiving #ConnectingCommunities #ReframingNarratives #TheManualOfYou #YourLifeYourChoice There's a famous cartoon of a man asking WHO WANTS CHANGE? Everyone in the crowd raises their hands. WHO WANTS TO CHANGE? Everyone in the crowd looks away awkwardly. WHO WILL LEAD THE CHANGE? Everyone runs away. Change is often wanted but it's hard to do. Because change is scary. Even when we're not happy with the status quo, the brain likes familiarity. Even unhappy 'stuckness' offers certainty and a sense of control. Change can feel overwhelming. When we think of the change we want we often use words with a negative connotation, like 'move away from'. We use avoidance language like 'I want to lose weight as I looked awful on my last holiday'. 'Away' goals are harder to sustain than positive 'towards' goals. So, try thinking of change coming from a positive mindset: 'I want to feel empowered', 'I want to more of…', 'I strive towards'... And see what happens. What's the story you’re telling yourself, and is it helpful or hindering? Remember though, with whatever you read online, take what you like and leave the rest because it's your life and, therefore, your choice of how to live it. After all, this is the Manual of YOU! Until next time, take care, stay safe - and sane - make kind choices and stay flawsome! Don’t forget, you’re fucking brilliant! (This was written by a human – a dyslexic one at that! Yay!) #CultureOfImperfection #GenerousContribution #RadicalKindness #EthicalLiving #ConnectingCommunities #ReframingNarratives #TheManualOfYou #YourLifeYourChoice |
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