Do you ever correct people's spelling online or their pronunciation or choice of words when they’re talking, when your input hasn't been requested, or make a joke out of their mistake? Who benefits? What will your action achieve? Is there a hope that they will walk away, happily enlightened and grateful for the correction, feeling like a bettered person? Or, is there a chance you might make them feel not good enough? Do you do it for them? Or for you? Perfectionism is such a toxic poison - be careful when spreading it. What's the story you tell yourself, and is it helpful or hindering? Remember though - it's your life, your choice! After all, this is the Manual of YOU! Until next time, take care, stay safe - and sane - and make kind choices! #CultureOfImperfection #GenerousContribution #RadicalKindness #EthicalLiving #ConnectingCommunities #ReframingNarratives #TheManualOfYou
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Steve Chandler believes that "curiosity is love and caring in action. It's the most powerful relationship creator. (...) It's the opposite of fear." AA calls curiosity the adventurous side of uncertainty. For me, curiosity is the opposite of judgement and life-changing to our relationships (professionally, personally, intimately and internally) because it stops us from presuming the worst about other people's intentions. You can ask, with pretend curiosity, why someone did or said what they did, and maintain judgement. Or, you can ask, with genuine curiosity - allow me to see the world through your eyes - and during that period of listening, you can't also judge, because then you're not truly listening, nor truly being curious. Being curious opens the world up anew, reinforces or creates new connections, reduces harmful presumptions and judgement and unlocks new learning and growth for you, as a person. What's not to love? What's the story you tell yourself, and is it helpful or hindering? Remember though - it's your life, your choice! After all, this is the Manual of YOU! Until next time, take care, stay safe - and sane - and make kind choices! #CultureOfImperfection #GenerousContribution #RadicalKindness #EthicalLiving #ConnectingCommunities #ReframingNarratives #TheManualOfYou A friend said to me: "No one has been in touch to ask if I'm ok." She was hurt. She'd been battling anxiety since the beginning of the first lockdown, and as the Covid-19 restrictions were eased during the summer of 2020 and as her colleagues returned to the office, she got signed off sick - too panicky to go. I asked: "Have you asked any of your colleagues how they've been getting on, working through a pandemic in an over-filled office, never knowing if today would be the day they would catch Covid and bring it home to their families? Have you asked how they feel about, perhaps, feeling duty-bound to return when they’d rather be home too? Have you wondered if their anxiety makes them show up because they fear the judgement attached to not? Maybe they fear their managers more than they fear Covid?" She had not. Who takes the first step? Whose responsibility is it? When we feel hard done by, is it possible someone else has experienced it differently? When we feel misunderstood is it possible that we’re the ones misunderstanding? What's the story you tell yourself, and is it helpful or hindering? Remember though - it's your life, your choice! After all, this is the Manual of YOU! Until next time, take care, stay safe - and sane - and make kind choices! #CultureOfImperfection #GenerousContribution #RadicalKindness #EthicalLiving #ConnectingCommunities #ReframingNarratives #TheManualOfYou Don't underestimate the power of needing control and don't mock those who seek it. Humans are not designed to enjoy uncertainty. Uncertainty is not good for the genes' survival. When people stockpile toilet paper during a pandemic, show them kindness and empathy. They're more scared than you. When people protest against 5G, don't laugh and scowl. They feel far more powerless than you. When people stick around in bad relationships, don't call them stupid or shame them. They're far more worried about being alone and worthless than you. When people criticise others relentlessly, don't call them bullies and turn away. They dislike themselves far more than you or the people they criticise and are filled with pain. Conspiracy theorists and unkind or irrational actions are signals of fear, pain, disconnect and a sense of such great uncertainty, that certainty is being creatively created by generating alternative realities to feel in control, be that via actions or beliefs. Don't argue back. Don't play the eye-for-an-eye game. Don't belittle or get angry. Make generous presumptions about their personal struggles. Offer them compassion. They're as human as you. What's the story you tell yourself, and is it helpful or hindering? Remember though - it's your life, your choice! After all, this is the Manual of YOU! Until next time, take care, stay safe - and sane - and make kind choices! #CultureOfImperfection #GenerousContribution #RadicalKindness #EthicalLiving #ConnectingCommunities #ReframingNarratives #TheManualOfYou You can dismiss someone by saying ‘it is what it is’. It shuts down the conversation and it can make the other person feel unheard, misunderstood, not validated or ignored in their story. You may do the same by saying ‘it was meant to be’ or ‘it was God’s will’ or ‘YOLO’. It’s called a ‘thought-terminating cliché’ that doesn’t bring people closer and doesn’t show empathy. However, if you say ‘it is what it is’, ‘it’s in God’s hands’ or ‘carpe diem’ you may also bring a situation into perspective, you may offer a new point of view, you may reframe the meaning of the story at hand, it may calm the nervous system. That’s why it’s called an ‘emotion-regulating strategy’. “I feel sad because I was dumped but it is what it is” – for one person this may be a way to dismiss their sadness and not give it due attention because they don’t feel they deserve it. “I feel sad because I was dumped but it is what it is” – for another person this may bring some perspective. There’s nothing that can be done about this. It’s a fact that they feel sad and were dumped. It’s accepting reality while also allowing their feelings to be heard. Same words, different meanings. So, what are you to do? Never presume. Make your intentions clear – for yourself and others. Ask for their view instead of imposing your own. For it might be that it is what it is - but we can never know what that is for someone else. What's the story you tell yourself, and is it helpful or hindering? Remember though - it's your life, your choice! After all, this is the Manual of YOU! Until next time, take care, stay safe - and sane - and make kind choices! #CultureOfImperfection #GenerousContribution #RadicalKindness #EthicalLiving #ConnectingCommunities #ReframingNarratives #TheManualOfYou We were one of the weakest animals roaming the world, so evolution gave us the gift of our pre-frontal cortex and the ability to create fantasies and fiction from nothing. This ability allowed us to plan ahead, to predict dangers, to image the worst case scenario - all in the quest for survival. It made us able to create something from nothing. To be inventive. To strive for more. For growing beyond our caves and eventually beyond this planet. Evolution, likewise, gifted us with our negativity bias: Seeing dangers were there are none. Rather jump at a branch 100 times than get bidden by a venomous snake even once. These gifts have become modern-day curses, as we overthink ourselves into stress and anxiety and we allow our negativity bias to overshadow all the good that we have. The awesome thing about our brains is that we can change them. Use the gift of this magnificent mass to predict what will be good, what will turn out wonderfully, and what will work, and take charge of your focus towards what's worth being grateful for. What's the story you tell yourself, and is it helpful or hindering? Remember though - it's your life, your choice! After all, this is the Manual of YOU! Until next time, take care, stay safe - and sane - and make kind choices! #CultureOfImperfection #GenerousContribution #RadicalKindness #EthicalLiving #ConnectingCommunities #ReframingNarratives #TheManualOfYou We hear someone talk, and it's fine. We hear someone laugh, and it's fine. We hear someone yell, and it's a bit uncomfortable but we're more curious than concerned. We hear someone cry, and it's not fine. It's uncomfortable. It's problematic. Make it stop! It doesn't matter if it's the observer or the crier: Make it stop! We shame tears. We apologise for tears. We hide tears. We fear tears. But, tears are healing. Tears are truth. Tears are beautiful. Tears are honest. Tears are the ultimate expression of vulnerability. If you're the observer: It's not a problem to be fixed, but a healthy solution in itself. If you're the crier: You're doing the healthy and right thing. You're stronger than most. Be proud. Let's de-shame tears. They're powerful. They're beautiful. They're healing. What's the story you tell yourself, and is it helpful or hindering? Remember though - it's your life, your choice! After all, this is the Manual of YOU! Until next time, take care, stay safe - and sane - and make kind choices! #CultureOfImperfection #GenerousContribution #RadicalKindness #EthicalLiving #ConnectingCommunities #ReframingNarratives #TheManualOfYou When someone says something mean about you - especially if it's to your face - it's hard not to take it personally. What else could it be? I'll tell you: It's not about you. It's about them. I promise! It's a manifestation of their own issues, projected onto you. You now have a choice whether you take hold of this projection as if it belongs to you, or you reject it. Likewise, when you react to someone - if they make you feel annoyed, for example - it's not actually about them, but you. How can I know? Because what you find annoying, another person won't. What someone finds disgusting, someone else won't. What you find unacceptable, someone else won't. So, what you find annoying is not a universal truth. It’s about your concept of what’s acceptable and what’s not. Why do you take things personally then? Because whatever has been projected your way, has hit a nerve. If you know you're hilarious and feel confident in this, you won't care if someone calls you unfunny. That’s their problem, not yours. However, if you feel insecure about your looks and someone calls you ugly, you'll take it personally because it hits a nerve. A nerve that belongs to you. But for someone to judge you as ugly, it only shows that they're struggling with their own issues around societal standards of beauty and their fear of being rejected due to their looks. But it’s a hell of a lot easier to project their internalised self-rejection onto you than to do the work on themselves and face their fears. If they did not have their own issues around physical appearances, it'd never occur to them to call you ugly. It's a 'them' problem, not a 'you' problem. But if you're taking it personally, it's because you're making it a 'you' problem, not them. What's the story you tell yourself, and is it helpful or hindering? Remember though - it's your life, your choice! After all, this is the Manual of YOU! Until next time, take care, stay safe - and sane - and make kind choices! #CultureOfImperfection #GenerousContribution #RadicalKindness #EthicalLiving #ConnectingCommunities #ReframingNarratives #TheManualOfYou Many of us say we ‘over-analyse’ but what does that even mean? That we replay events to death? Ruminate? Lie awake at night? I’ve found that when people say they ‘over-analyse’ they go over events until they’ve made themselves the problem – torturing themselves with guilt, blame and criticism. That’s not analysing anything. That’s self-harming. You’re beating yourself up. You’re constructing a new narrative, a story, a truth that’s based on making yourself the problem. It’s narrow, limited and in no way nuanced. It’s not fair on you and it’s not fair on others. It hurts yourself but it also hurts your relationships as people can’t trust you to have honest conversations as you will make it about yourself. Ironically, over-analysing stems from low self-esteem and a fear of being the problem, of being a burden, of taking up too much space and attention and yet our way of handling the situations that we’re over-analysing is to make it all about us – the opposite of what we’re wanting. So, no, you’re not over-analysing. You’re constructing a narrative that’s based on putting too much responsibility on yourself in a way that serves no one. It’d be much better if you learned to analyse like a scientist – look at the data, separate logic from emotions, give other people due and joint responsibility and make an informed decision. What's the story you tell yourself, and is it helpful or hindering? Remember though - it's your life, your choice! After all, this is the Manual of YOU! Until next time, take care, stay safe - and sane - and make kind choices! #CultureOfImperfection #GenerousContribution #RadicalKindness #EthicalLiving #ConnectingCommunities #ReframingNarratives #TheManualOfYou We don't know what we don't know. If you take on this philosophy, you might suddenly find yourself more humble and careful in your opinions. Because what if you lack the information you didn't even know was out there that would radically change what you think you knew for sure? Self-assurance and presumptions are the enemies of growth and compassion. What's the story you tell yourself, and is it helpful or hindering? Remember though - it's your life, your choice! After all, this is the Manual of YOU! Until next time, take care, stay safe - and sane - and make kind choices! #CultureOfImperfection #GenerousContribution #RadicalKindness #EthicalLiving #ConnectingCommunities #ReframingNarratives #TheManualOfYou |
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